“Please,” I whisper. “Please don’t make me do this. Don’t make me choose.”
She brushes the hair out of my eyes and caresses my cheek, wiping away the moisture. “It will be okay.”
I shake my head. It will never be okay. Hope is going to hate me. I’m going to hate me. I hate myself already.
I slump back against the wall and bring my knees up in front of me. My hands fall to the floor at my sides and I stare at the sink. I’ll make this work. We won’t be that far apart. We can switch off and see each other a couple weekends a month. It doesn’t have to be permanent. I could go just long enough to finish school. Hope and I could do the long distance thing for eight months. Then I could come back and we could go to college together. We could move back there after we graduate. Together. She could see where I came from. She’ll love Chicago.
It’s not forever.
Hope won’t really be alone. She has Guy and Chase. And she and Annie will make up. There’s the twins and Addie. Dylan will keep her busy. Misty. And Park.
I thud my head against the wall a few times. If she ends up back with Park… I don’t know what the fuck I will do.
But I can’t be pissed about it if I’m leaving.
No. She’s mine. She told me that herself. She won’t run to Park just because I’m a couple states away.
A couple states away.
States away.
I close my eyes and Mom backs out of the room, giving me space. I can hear her moving around, packing. I stay where I am. Too weak to make her stop. Too weak to help her.
I give in to the rage boiling inside and slam my fist into the wall.
I’m such a bastard.
Chapter 40
Hope
It’s weird not having Mason with me. Not that Chase isn’t good company. It just feels weird. Not even a full day since I’ve seen him and I miss him like crazy. I pull into Park’s driveway and kill the engine. But I don’t get out yet. I need a minute. I hadn’t realized I was angry with him until we got to his house.
I have a startled realization. I’m so mad at Park because he purposely did something that hurt him. Just like I do—all the time.
This helpless, betrayed feeling is what Mason feels every time I do something to myself. I mean, I knew this already, but I didn’t understand it until this moment.
“Are we going in or…are we staying in the car all day?” Chase’s hand hovers by the handle, waiting.
I nod. “Let’s go.”
Park opens the door before we knock. His eyes are both blackened. I don’t know if it’s from his broken nose or the fight prior to the accident. He looks terrible. I glance down at his fingers, expecting to see them dark with fingerprinting ink. They aren’t. I think they do that with a computer now.
He moves past us and sits on the top step of the porch and lights up a cigarette. My hand itches to pluck it from his lips and throw it in the yard. But I don’t have that right anymore. As his friend, however, I still scowl and make a spectacle of waving the smoke away.
One side of his mouth turns up in smile. “Let’s get it over with,” he says.
“Get what over with?” I ask.
“You came here to either berate my ass or beat it. I’m tired. Didn’t sleep well in jail. So get on with it. I wanna go back to bed.”
“I am mad at you for being stupid, but I didn’t come here to yell at you.”
“I did,” Chase huffs. “I’m here to smack some sense into you.”
I grin at him. Chase thinks he’s such a badass since he “single handedly served Christian Dunkin his ass to him on a platter.” I’m pretty sure that first surprise hit he got on Christian was the only one.
Park smiles too as he blows a puff of smoke out. “You forgot your army.”
“I don’t need one,” Chase says, insulted. He gestures at me. “Hope’s all the backup I need.”
“Hope can kick my ass by herself. You aren’t as gifted in that department.”
“We’ll ask Christian about that.” Chase lowers himself beside Park and plucks the cigarette from in between his fingers and tosses it down, stepping on it.
“What the fuck?”
“You need to get your shit together man. Quit being dumb. Quit smoking. Quit drinking so much. Quit driving drunk.”
“I got it,” Park says, his voice sharp. “I know what I did. I don’t need you to tell me.” His jaw works as he looks out at the driveway where his car should be, but isn’t. “How’s Guy?”
“He’s doing really well,” I offer. “He’ll be in the hospital for a week or so. Hopefully less.”
“You should go see him,” Chase says dryly. “Apologize for almost killing him.”
With a tight nod, Park stands up. “I’m going to bed.”
“That’s it?” Chase cuts him off before he can open the door. I stay where I am, not sure what I want to say or do yet.
“That’s all I got,” he says with a shrug.
“That’s pretty weak,” I counter softly.
Park turns his glare on me. “Add that to my list of faults. I’ll review it later.”
I don’t know who I’m disappointed in. Me for not pursuing the issue? Park for acting like he doesn’t care? Both of us for being cowards? All I know is it consumes me as I watch him walk inside, swinging the door closed behind him.
My day drags without Guy and Mason. Chase takes off after Park’s house. Annie and I still can’t be around one another without murder plots being formed in our minds. Now I’m lying on the couch, dreading going upstairs where I have to share a room with her.
I pull my phone out and text Mason.
Me: I MISS U.
Him: MISS YOU TOO.
Me: WHAT WAS IT U TOLD UR MOM ABOUT PLAYING DR?
Me: I COULD COME OVER & SEE IF I COULD MAKE U FEEL BETTER.
Him: NO. DON’T WANT YOU GETTING SICK TOO.
I sigh. He must really feel horrible if he’s turning down sex. That makes me miss him more. I want to make him feel better. He’s always trying to take care of me.
Me: I DON’T CARE ABOUT GETTING SICK.
Him: I’M TIRED ANYWAY. JUST GOING TO GO TO BED.
I frown at my phone. Even his texts are off. I don’t like the nervous sensation that runs through me, raising the hair on my arms. Too much has happened lately and it must be making me paranoid because I feel like he’s lying to me.
But this is Mason. He pushed this relationship. He’s been several committed steps ahead of me at all times.
Me: K. FEEL BEETER. LUV U. NIGHT.
Him: LOVE YOU TOO. GOODNIGHT.
I stare at the screen rereading the message a few times. Yeah. I’m paranoid. He just doesn’t feel good and this weekend sucked for sleep. He’s probably exhausted. I roll off the couch and make my way up to bed.
As much as I’m dreading school after all the ridiculousness of the Friday night rumble, I can’t wait to see Mason. I know it was just a day, but it was long and excruciating. I miss his face. I need his always-there smile. His adorable dimple. Those gorgeous green eyes that look back at me like I’m something special.
I park Neko and lean back against the seat with my iPod as I wait for Mason to find me until it’s clear he isn’t coming.
Me: R U COMING 2 SCHOOL?
Him: NO. STILL NOT FEELING VERY WELL.
Me: THAT SUCKS. WANT ME TO COME TAKE CARE OF U?
Him: GO TO SCHOOL. I’LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
My stomach twists and my eyes prickle. He’s asked me to trust him, and I do, I want to. But something feels so off and it’s driving me crazy. My fingers move to the ignition, hesitating on the keys. Part of me wants to ignore him and turn the key, go to his house, and see for myself what’s going on. A huge part. But then that’s me not trusting him. I yank the keys out and tuck them into my book bag instead, making an active choice to believe in him.
Me: GET LOTS OF REST CUZ TOMORROW UR ALL MINE. SICK OR NOT! <3
I don’t get a response right away, so I pocket my phone and head inside. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, but it definitely isn’t this. People I have never spoken to stop me to ask about Guy or to wish him better. It happens in the halls. In every class. At my locker. Even in the bathroom and that is just so…past my comfort zone. Can’t a girl pee in peace? It’s weird. I don’t like people as it is. I’m feeling claustrophobic by the time I get to lunch.
Our table is sad with only me and Chase there. He drops an oatmeal cream pie down in front of me with a pointed look. Guess he isn’t letting that go.
“Where’s Park?” I ask.
Chase shrugs. “Home in bed, feeling sorry for himself?” He rips the plastic off his pie and takes a huge bite. “Where’s Mason?”
“Still sick.” I hate this day. Seriously.
The chair beside me slides out noisily and Adam Harris sits down. As in Christian Dunkin’s evil boy wonder, Adam Harris. Have I mentioned this day sucks?
“What do you want, Adam?”
He stares at me for several extremely annoying seconds. “How’s your friend doing?”
I raise an eyebrow and he grins. “My friend?” Chase makes a noise across from me. My eyes flick to him and he’s watching Adam so closely it’s like he’s trying to set him on fire with his eyes. I almost explain to him that he doesn’t have laser vision, but I skip the smartass comment and turn back to the dumbass beside me.
“The little gay one. Heard he was in the hospital.”
Guy is gay, it’s well known, but the way Adam says it, he makes it sound like a big joke, which irritates me even more.
“He’s doing good,” I say, my words clipped.
He nods, leaning closer to me. “Good. Good. And Park? He got arrested, right?”
I’m suspicious about where he’s going with this. My eyes narrow into a warning glare. His smile widens at the look I’m giving him and it throws me off enough to answer.
“Yes. But he’s out.”
“Really? Isn’t it a hate crime? Trying to kill a homo?”
I know my mouth is hanging open and my face must be bright red because it’s burning. Did he just say that?
“Dude, get the hell outta here,” Chase demands, his voice scary low. He stands up, hands balled into fists at his side.
“Hey,” Adam says defensively. “I’m just concerned. This is my school and it seems like they’ll let anybody in. Fags, attempted murderers,” he nods at Annie sitting at the next table. “Whores.” And then he looks at me. “Psychopaths.” He shrugs his broad shoulders and splays his hands out in front of him. “I’m thinking it’s time something is done about it.”
The smart thing is to get Chase and walk away. Go talk to a guidance counselor or something. I, however, am the first person to admit I am not smart.
I know I’m getting suspended again today as I push my chair back and stand. Not much else runs through my mind though. I reach back quickly and pick up somebody’s book. Who’s? I don’t know. Gripping it with both hands, I pull it above my right shoulder and swing it sideways, right into Adam’s face. His chair tips back with him still in it. As he’s lying on the floor in shock, holding his mouth, I toss the book and move in so I can kick him.
Bad thing about fighting during lunch, there are too many people packed too closely. I have no idea whose hands are on me, but I’m being wrenched away, my feet still trying to reach Adam.
“Get the fuck off her,” Chase shouts. I’m able to turn my head enough to see Christian’s profile. A nauseated shiver runs through me. I hate that he’s touching me. I squirm and wiggle, trying desperately to get out of his grasp.
“Calm down and I’ll let you go,” he grunts. I do. I stop immediately and he drops me in a heap onto the sticky cafeteria floor. “You need to take your crazy ass outta here before I forget you’re a girl.”