Claire smiles at Lindsay then turns to me. “Am I interrupting something?”
“No, Lindsay was just dropping off Kaia. She has a job interview.”
I feel like I should clarify that Kaia is not my child, but I can’t bring myself to say those words. Even though Kaia isn’t my biological daughter, I feel like saying this aloud will give Lindsay the impression that I don’t feel a connection to Kaia. And, as much as I didn’t want this to happen, I can’t deny this girl has burrowed her way into my heart with those tiny fingers.
Lindsay holds out her hand to Claire. “Nice to meet you, Claire.” They shake hands and Lindsay turns to me. “Are you sure you’re okay to watch her alone?”
I don’t know if she’s trying to imply that she doesn’t want Claire to hang out with me while I’m watching Kaia, but I highly doubt Claire will want to hang out after I say the things I’ve been planning to say to her.
“I’m fine,” I say, reaching for Kaia. “Give her here.”
Lindsay smiles as she kisses Kaia’s forehead then hands her over. The look on Claire’s face is pure confusion and heartbreak as she watches me take Kaia into my arms. Fuck. She’s probably thinking of Abigail.
“Sorry I can’t hang out. I’ve heard so much about you,” Lindsay says to Claire as she squeezes past her then turns to me. “I should be back in an hour or two. She just took a nap; so don’t let her fall asleep. I need her to sleep tonight.”
“Got it,” I reply. “Good luck.”
I close the front door as Lindsay takes off. The sound of rain and Kaia’s gurgles punctuate the silence as Claire stares at Kaia.
“Is she… yours?”
I shake my head, still not able to verbalize this denial. “She’s Lindsay and Nathan’s, but Nathan decided to ditch Lindsay a few weeks ago, so I’ve been helping her out while she tries to find a job.”
“Is that why she called you when we were at the game?”
“Yeah, come on in and sit down.” I nod toward the living room, which looks very similar to my living room in Wrightsville, except for the glass doors that lead off onto a patio; huge glass doors where the light pours in when it’s not raining.
Claire appears conflicted as she takes a seat on the sofa where I once gave her multiple orgasms. Trying not to grin, I think of the time I made her scream so loudly that Cora made Tina come upstairs to my apartment and check on us. I can only imagine how embarrassing that was for Tina.
“Well, I came because you said you had something to talk to me about. I have something I need to talk to you about, too.”
She keeps looking at Kaia with hesitation and I feel like, before I say anything, I need to know how her visit with Abigail went.
“First tell me how everything went last night.”
She looks down at her hands in her lap and smiles, the kind of smile that makes me think that it went very well.
“She is so beautiful,” she says, and her voice is barely louder than a whisper. “I wish I hadn’t cried in front of her, but I couldn’t help myself. She’s perfect. It was the best and worst moment of my life, but I’m still on a high from it.”
She looks up from her lap and the smile on her face is unlike any smile I’ve ever seen.
“You look so happy.”
“I am.”
Kaia’s fingers grab onto the front of my shirt and I look down at her round eyes and dainty nose. She looks so much like Lindsay. Even the way she’s drooling reminds me of all the times Lindsay would drool on my chest while we slept. I miss that closeness; that security of going to sleep knowing you’ll always wake up with the person you love right next to you.
Then it dawns on me that Claire came here to talk to me unannounced instead of waiting for me to call her, like we had agreed. Suddenly, I have a feeling that I wasn’t the only one with some bad news to bear.
“Why did you come here?” I ask. “Not that I don’t want you here, but I thought I was supposed to call you.”
She turns away from me and glances around the apartment before she answers. Then she reaches into her purse and my heart stops. I was right.
She pulls her hand out of the purse and holds it out to me, palm up, so I can see the promise ring I gave her six weeks ago. I turn back to Kaia because I don’t want to look at it. It fills me with shame to think that I lost, even if I was prepared to give up five minutes ago.
“I’m sorry, Adam.”
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“Yes, I do. Please look at me.”
I look her in the eye because I don’t want to look at the ring. “I don’t want the ring. It’s yours. It’s not like I’m going to give it to someone else.”
“I can’t take it.”
“You mean you don’t want to take it.”
Her fingers curl around the ring as she makes a fist. “Adam, I’m sorry I brought you into this mess, but I’m not sorry about the time we spent together. I’ll always cherish that and I’ll always be grateful that you were there for me when I needed someone. You will always own a piece of me. But this is a piece of you that I can’t keep.”
She sets the ring on the coffee table and pulls her purse into her lap. Staring at the ring for a moment, I wonder if things would have been different if that were an engagement ring rather than a promise ring. When Lindsay and I broke up, she claimed that she cheated on me with Nathan because she got tired of waiting for me to propose.
“Why didn’t you tell me about her?” she asks, and I know she’s referring to Kaia.
I shrug. “I don’t know. I guess I thought it would just be something temporary, help her find a job, run a few errands, then we’d part ways again. But things got… well, things changed.”
She reaches out and traces her finger along Kaia’s cheek. “She’s adorable.”
“Are you and Chris back together?”
“Yes. Are you and Lindsay back together?”
“No.”
I don’t want to say more because I’m afraid I’ll say something stupid or hurtful. I can already feel the frustration and anger rising to the surface as I think of Chris touching Claire.
“I guess I should get going.”
She looks at Kaia before she stands from the sofa, but in that one-second glance I see the months of anguish and longing for Abigail. Then it hits me. Claire and Chris are back together and Claire has just told me she’s happy. I should be happy for her, not angry with him.
I stand up and follow her to the door. “Claire?”
“Yeah?”
“I want you to be happy, but I don’t want you to disappear.”
She takes a deep breath and turns around to face me. “Look at you.”
“What?”
She looks at Kaia then back to me. “You’re so generous and I would love to stay friends with you, but I need less confusion in my life. Adam….” She takes a long pause that makes me anxious. “Chris is taking me to meet my father in the end of December. I need to get my head straight before I go there. My therapist says I’m making a lot of progress and he doesn’t think he’s going to have to get me a psych referral anymore. That’s a huge deal to me. I don’t want to take medication. I think of my mom and how she self-medicated with heroin and how I was self-medicating with the meditation crap and… I’m so happy that I’m starting to feel normal again, the way I felt before Chris left. I think if you and I were to stay friends, I’d be a mess, because I do love you, Adam. Seeing you right now, holding that baby… I can’t describe what I’m feeling because it would just confuse both of us.”
I let out a deep sigh. “I don’t want to think of what my life will be like without you. You deserve to be happy. And if this is what you need to be happy, then I’ll respect your decision. I won’t call you.” I reach out to brush a few strands of damp hair off her cheek. “But if you ever need someone to talk to, I’ll always be here for you.”
I lean over to kiss her forehead and when I pull away Kaia has a chunk of Claire’s hair in her hand. We both laugh as we attempt to extract her hair from Kaia’s fingers, but our faces are so close that I can’t help but look up to see if she’s looking at me. She looks up at the same time and her smile disappears. My gaze falls to her lips; lips I’ve kissed, sucked, licked, and tasted so many times, and it still wasn’t enough.
She steps back and opens the door quickly. “Bye, Adam.”
As soon as the door closes behind her, my body instantly feels heavier than it did two seconds ago. I feel weighed down and listless, like I could stand here in this spot, in this moment, for the rest of my life and it wouldn’t matter.
This is bullshit. I have to find a way to get Claire back.
Chapter Twelve
Chris
Sometimes you get lucky and the universe throws you a bone, and you have to sink your teeth in and refuse to let go. That’s what happened when Claire showed up at my concert in August. Then there are those other times, when the universe catapults you straight into heaven and you just have to let go and enjoy the ride. This is how I feel after getting to see Abby and getting back together with Claire in the same night last week. My instinct is to keep fighting to make sure I never lose Claire again, but my heart is telling me to let go and enjoy because she’s mine.
And I’ve never been more certain of this as I am when she arrives at Fleming’s Steakhouse carrying a silver box tied with a giant white ribbon and wearing that smile that makes me want to give up everything.
“You look beautiful. I missed you,” I say as I take the box from her hands and lean in to kiss the corner of her mouth. “God, it feels good to be able to say those words to you again.”
She throws her arms around my neck and I laugh as she plants a loud kiss on my cheek. “I love you.”
“This is kind of heavy. What did you get her?”
“It’s a surprise. Is she inside?”
“Yeah, we just got here. I got us a private dining room.”
She hooks her arm around mine and I lead her toward the entrance. “A private dining room? How fancy.”
“Yeah, we’ve got Grey Poupon and violinists, too.”
“Geez, you really know how to impress a girl.”
“Only the best for you, babe.”
I lead her through the warmly lit main dining area toward the private dining room, making an effort not to let her see the discomfort in my leg. When we enter the dining room, my mom is sitting at the far end of a square table that is way too big for the three of us, but it’s better than being out in the main dining area where I may be recognized and hassled. I set Claire’s gift on the table as she and my mom hug each other.
The day after we saw Abigail last week, I told my mom that Claire and I were back together. I haven’t seen her cry so many tears of joy in all my life.
“Happy birthday, Jackie,” Claire says as I pull out a chair for her to sit down.
Once we’re all seated, a waiter takes our drink order and my mom is grinning as she looks back and forth between Claire and me. I know she’s just happy to see us back together, but I don’t want her enthusiasm to put any pressure on Claire.
“Yeah, we get it, you’re happy we’re back together.”
“Oh, Christopher, don’t be such a killjoy and let me enjoy it.” She tilts her head as she looks at us. “You two look so adorable together.”
Claire reaches across the table and grabs my mom’s hand. “How was work?”
My mom smiles before she launches into a long-winded explanation of her day. Claire knows how much my mom loves to talk about the customers at the bakery. I can’t help but feel like I’m falling more in love with her by the second as I watch them laughing and gossiping. They love each other just as much as Claire and I love each other.