He touches my face again like he did in the diner. “So serious, Little Ghost.” He’s all intensity and sincerity and the words flood through me.
“I am. I’m not good with words like you are, but I can tell you I love you. You say I haunt you, but it’s you who haunts me. You made me happy for the first time in four years. You inspire me and your words are a part of me and you make me feel strong. I never realized it, but I never felt strong before. I let Maddox run my life and tried to save people who didn’t want to be saved. I know I can’t do that anymore. It’s not up to me and you taught me that.”
“I did all that?” One of his eyebrows rises.
“Stop.” I’m laughing and crying at the same time.
“Don’t cry, Little Ghost.”
His words make me cry harder.
“Shhh.” And then he’s wiping my tears. I’m nuzzling his hand. “I missed you. I wanted to hate you, but I couldn’t. I know it wasn’t your fault, but it’s hard when it’s all tied together like that, but then… I read The Count again after you gave it to me. I remember reading it and always looking up to Edmond. Even when I was a kid because he beat the odds. He beat his shitty life and prison and everything else. But I realized he didn’t have what was important. Edmond ended up alone and I already lost Ash… I don’t want to lose you too.”
I swear my heart leaps out of my chest. I feel weak and like I’m invincible at the same time. “Adrian—”
“Shhh,” he says again. “I have to get this out. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect. Hell, I know I won’t be and I have a whole lot of shit I’m still dealing with, but… I can’t get you out of me. Your smile’s in my head and your voice in my ear.”
I’m crying and smiling and so full of Adrian I’m bursting at the seams.
“You helped me stop bleeding. You made my heart beat when I thought it was gone. All those things you said I do for you? They’re nothing compared to what you do for me.”
“Adrian—”
“Stop interrupting me.” He smiles and I smile. I don’t think I’ll ever stop doing it again. “You reminded me what it feels like to love. You made me fall in love and, fuck, I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to lose you.”
Unable to stop myself anymore, I lunge at him. He catches me as he falls against the back of the couch. “Kiss me.”
So I do. I kiss him and his taste is a burst of familiarity. His tongue teases my lips and then finds its way inside. He’s kissing me and then standing, my legs wrapped around his waist. Adrian walks to my room and I kick the door closed behind me and then we’re falling to my bed, our mouths still fused together.
“Let me make love to you, Little Ghost.”
“Yes.” I arch toward him and he kisses me again. And then all our clothes are gone and he’s putting a condom on and this time when we come together, we’ve stepped out from behind our façades. The masks are gone and we’re naked together for the first time.
“I love you,” he says.
I look at him. This amazing man who’s been through so much. “I love you too.”
Epilogue
~Adrian~
My hands are fucking shaking so bad I can hardly stand it.
“You’re doing great,” Delaney tells me as I park the car.
“I’m losing it,” I tell her. “But I’m here. I’m doing it.”
She leans over and kisses me. Christ, I still can’t believe I’m here. I can’t believe I’m with this incredible girl and that I’m about to get out and go see my son for the first time in four years. God, I need it, though. Need to talk to him.
We get out of the car and make our way through the cemetery and over to Ash’s tiny grave. I close my eyes, not wanting to see it, but fuck if I don’t need to for him. I need to do this for my son and I will, so I open them up and kneel on the ground.
I read his name, Ashton Adrian Westfall.
Loving son and nephew.
“I think I overdid it on the As.” I try to laugh, but it doesn’t really work.
“It’s a perfect name,” Delaney replies.
“Yeah… you’re right. I think it is.”
I study his grave some more. “Hey, Ash. It’s… it’s me, Daddy.”
Laney sniffs and I know she’s crying next to me. My eyes are wet, too, one of the tears escaping down my face.
“I miss you. I miss you so much, little man.” I reach out and trace the letters of his name. “And I’m sorry. So sorry I didn’t do better for you, but it was never because I didn’t love you. I’m going to start coming to see you too.”
It’s more than a tear now. It’s like a race to see how many can make it down.
“I won’t let you be lonely anymore, okay? We’ll come all the time and I’ll tell you stories. I’ll write a new one for you every time.”
My ghost’s hand is on my shoulder. She doesn’t interrupt, just lets me talk. I tell my son that at twenty-two I’m going to school next year. That I’m going to work on telling more stories and maybe one day other people will read them. I tell him I was wrong when I told him about the Count. That he isn’t someone to look up to. That I probably never even should have talked to him about it in the first place.
And I tell him everything I do from now on will be for him. How his auntie fights for him and how I want to do the same.
We’re out there for over an hour talking to Ash. To my son.
Each word makes me feel stronger. Better. I know I have a long way to go, but I’ll keep fucking going because he never had the chance. I’ll go for him.
Finally, I stand up. Delaney’s right behind me. “We have to go, little man. I’ll be back soon. I love you.”
She latches her hand with mine and we walk to the car. We drive the few hours back home, to the apartment she used to share with her brother that I now share with her.
Colt’s outside, messing with Chey’s car when we get there.
“Fucking piece of shit,” he says.
I laugh as I walk over to him. “Don’t blame the car because you don’t know what you’re doing.”
“Then shut up and help me.” He tosses me a wrench, which I catch.
“I’m going to go upstairs. I’ll see you later,” Delaney says. She leans forward to my ear and whispers, “You did great today. Don’t forget you have to go see Lettie in a couple hours.” She doesn’t pay me for helping her anymore and she still gives me shit the whole time I’m there, but she also cried when I came back. We’ve talked about Ash and I found out she lost a daughter.
I nod and kiss my girl before she goes upstairs and then I lean over to look at the engine.
“You went to see Ash?” Colt asks.
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
We’re quiet for a minute, screwing around under the hood of Cheyenne’s car and then he says, “It gets easier. Going, I mean. It fucking killed me the first time I saw Mom.”
“Yeah?” I ask him.
“Yeah,” he replies again.
We keep working on the car. He talks about his mom and I talk about Ash. I think about Delaney upstairs. The woman I fucking love so much it’s crazy. How she’s probably sitting there talking to Colt’s girl, whose like a sister to me. And my best friend standing next to me. My sister back home who I talk to every day.
I realize I’m lucky. There’s an ache inside me that will never go away. I’ll always keep his shirt and always write for him. He’ll always be in my heart and in my head, but I also know I’ll be just fine, with these people in my life, and for him, I’ll be okay.
THE END