Aspen starts cracking up. "You guys are such good girlfriends!"
"Thanks, man. You just turned us into girls." Despite his words, Sebastian is pulling a shirt over his head and then following me.
"Ma wants you to call her," Sebastian says as we start down the hall. "She said she tried your cell, but it's turned off."
I forgot I'd done that. I pull it out of my pocket. There's a missed call from Courtney, but no one else. "I will."
"She said to tell you to keep that shit on. She wants to be able to be in touch with you."
"Did she call it shit?"
"Ha ha."
We get to the soda machine and I buy myself a Cherry Pepsi and water for Priscilla. "You want anything?"
"I got it."
I don't know why, but his words bug me. "I can buy you guys a soda, asshole."
"Dude, I totally just missed something. I never said you couldn't, but I also think I'm pretty capable of putting a dollar in the machine, too."
So I might have overreacted. Whatever.
"I really wish you'd quite being all ‘I am island' and talk to one of us about whatever the hell you've got going on, Jay. Seriously." Sebastian leans against the wall, opens his soda, and takes a drink.
His words not only shock me, but I'm sort of grateful for them at the same time. I'm not sure which emotion to focus on. "Love has turned you into a sap. Since when do you want to talk about what's in your heart or whatever?"
"Since I started to grow up. You should consider it sometime. Makes things a whole lot easier, Jay."
The last person I need a lecture on growing up from is Sebastian. "Are we living on the same planet? You never take anything seriously."
He takes another drink before replying. "I take Aspen seriously. My mom. Pris. And your dumb ass. Seriously, man. We've had fun the past few days. Are you really going to bail? It's supposed to be the four of us. Don't pretend you're not having a good time with Pris."
"You're the one who says I need to grow up. Maybe this is how I'm doing it. You're not supposed to be with your best friends forever. That's not the way the real world works, Sebastian. Life might be easy for you, but it's not for the rest of us." But I want it to be. I want to stay with you guys. I want to be someone.
"You're nothing but a waste of space. A loser. One of these days everyone is going to wake up and see that, you piece of shit."
Is it so wrong to want to walk away before they do it? Before Priscilla's parents decide they don't want me around their daughter for more than just a stupid graduation party?
Sebastian shakes his head. "You're right, man. I couldn't possibly know what it's like to have a hard time. There's no way I could actually be there for you or some shit. You might as well keep it all locked in. It's better that way."
My body is tense. Anger sweeps through me.
But it's also twined with the stupid feeling to open my mouth and talk to him. To tell him I don't feel right. Don't feel as good as them and that I can't shut up Mike's voice in my head. That I can't stop wondering if my real dad threw me away too.
That I don't want them to do the same.
"Shit," Sebastian pushes his hair out of his eyes. "I feel like a freaking girl here. We're fighting like crazy. It's just..." He shrugs. "Never mind. Come on. Let's go back to the rooms. I want my girl and I'm pretty sure she's missing me. I'm sure you want to get back to Pris, too." Sebastian winks.
I shake my head. Of course he had to get that last jab in. I don't bother to set him straight, but I also can't stop wondering what he was going to say.
***
I'm still pissed when I open the door to our room. It all gets forgotten when I see Priscilla standing with her back to me and hear her arguing on the phone.
"It's my choice. You promised. It's too late now."
It might be a janky thing to do, but I stand in the doorway, listening. It's not like I'm eavesdropping. She can turn around and see me at any second, and it's not like I snuck in.
For a few seconds she holds the phone, listening to whoever is on the other end. "Don't worry. I get it. I know it's not what Daddy wanted. You don't have to keep reminding me."
This time her voice has an added sadness that I don't like. It makes me open my mouth and say, "You okay, Priscilla?"
She whips around to face me, but she doesn't speak, obviously listening on the phone again.
"It's Jaden," she says, giving me a small smile. I close the door behind me and that's when it starts. Her voice is raised and she's speaking in Spanish, which means she doesn't want me to know what she's saying.
I've never heard her talk so fast. Her free hand is flying through the air, which means she's really mad. When she tries to smile at me I know whatever is going on, has to do with me. How stupid am I? I never should have opened my mouth and said something without knowing who she was speaking to.
She locks herself in the bathroom for a few minutes, making me wonder what's going on. Are they giving her a hard time for hanging with me? Telling her I'm all the things Mike told me I am? There's no way I'll let her get in trouble for me. I'll leave before I let that happen.
When she finally emerges, I'm sitting on the edge of my bed, leg bouncing up and down like I'm on something. My heart is doing the same thing, banging around because I don't like to see her upset.
Priscilla is pacing the room back and forth like I've never seen her do. She's controlled and steady. She's supposed to have it together and it kills me to see her unsure. I want to make it better.
"Dios! That makes me so mad!" she says, still with the back and forth.
"You wanna talk about it?" Those words feel weird coming out of my mouth because I never want to talk about anything, but I don't want her to be like me. I don't want all that shit trapped inside her until she wants to explode.
As though my same train of thought is driving through her head, she looks at me with this funny expression on her face. Her eyes are bigger and browner than I've ever seen them. It's hard to read her face. Anger, maybe? Confusion? And then pain.
That's when it happens. Like a trick of the eye, someone snaps their fingers and tears start pouring down her face. I don't think, don't even pause before I push to my feet, walk to her, and pull her in my arms.
Priscilla's face buries into my shirt as she lets go; big, sobbing cries that vibrate through me. Wetness seeps through my shirt, but I don't care. All I want to do right now is make it better. Take care of her. That's what you do, right? When someone is important to you, you take care of them. You try to take their pain away, pull it into yourself if you can, because it's easier to fight her demons for her than to risk someone scarring her.
I would take them all on if I could.
Nothing else matters right now so I shush her and rub her back and let my hands go through her hair. I'd do anything to make her feel better. Cut myself open and let her see all the secrets inside me. Whatever it takes. Whatever she needs.
But she keeps crying and I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Not saying the right things. When her legs weaken and she goes slack against me, I stand for her, holding her against me as I back us up to the bed.
I lay down with her and pull her to me like I have a right to her or something. Like she's mine when we both know she isn't and never will be.
My lips actually fucking tingle, wanting to touch her forehead, her hairline, down until I find her lips. Which totally isn't what she needs right now, and makes me feel like a dick for thinking it.
"Why won't I ever be good enough for them?" she asks into my shirt.
I try to pull away so I can look at her, but she doesn't let me. Her hand is knotted in the back of my shirt and it feels incredible to have her hold me this tight.
"There's no one you're not good enough for, Priscilla."
This just makes her cry harder and I wonder how I screwed that up.
"Shit... I'm sorry. I just mean... You have to be wrong, ya know? They'd do anything for you. You're good at everything. There's no way you're not good enough for them. Maybe it was me? Because I'm here?"
This makes her pull away enough to look at me. "I don't care what they think about you. And they may be willing to give me anything, but that's not the same as doing anything for me, Jaden. It always comes with strings. Do you know the only reason I got to come to New York is because I agreed to one year of what I want to do, and then I have to go pre-law?" Some of that fierceness is coming back into her voice, but it's all wrapped up in the pain.
"You don't want to be a lawyer." She doesn't. I used to think she did because of her dad and because she's so good at arguing, but it's not her.
"That doesn't matter. That's what's expected. Everything is always for show and not because they give a shit. My graduation party? That wasn't for me. It was for them. To look good. I was there for twenty minutes and no one noticed when I left. All I wanted was to be with you guys and they tried to take that away from me because of—"
Because of me. Her unspoken words hang in the air. Because I'm the one who isn't good enough.
"Me. It's okay. You can say it." I'm still touching her hair and her back because now that I've started, I'm not sure I can stop. "I'm used to it, Priscilla. If my own parents don't give a shit about me, how can I expect yours to?" I immediately want the words back and not even because I regret telling her. Somehow, I'm glad I said it, but this is about her and I don't want to bring my stuff into it.
Our breaths mingle together. I feel the heat from her body as she's tucked against me from head to toe. Her hand squeezes tighter and even though it bites into my skin of my back, I want to feel it more.
"I told you, I don't care what they think about you. They don't know you."
I want to tell her I care. Not for me, but for her. I don't want to be a strike against her. I don't want to hold her back, but I can feel her and smell her and it's all too much. I need more. Just like last summer, she pulls me, guides me, steers me like my beacon and I can't stop myself dropping my mouth to hers.
Chapter Eleven
I come down too hard and too fast and our teeth clank together. I feel like an idiot. I've kissed a ton of girls and never done that, and I immediately want to pull away, but she doesn't let me. Priscilla's hand slides through my hair and her lips move against mine and all I can think is more.
More of everything.
I search my brain for a switch to turn off my thoughts. I don't want anything with me, but her right now as I slide my tongue into her mouth. I taste mint like she brushed her teeth and salt from her tears and still I think, more, more, more.
Her hand tugs at my hair and she makes this tiny little noise in her throat I don't hear, but feel. Feel her lying next to me, kissing me as we lay on our sides in the bed.
I kiss her deeper, letting my tongue get intimate with every part of her mouth. And she does the same, tasting me and then letting me taste her.
All I can think is, this is kissing. This. Which is stupid because, like I said, I've kissed girls, lots of girls, but none of them came close to what this feels like.
Instinct takes over and I roll us, Priscilla on her back and I'm on top of her. She flinches a little when I settle in and I'm sure it's because she realizes what I have going on under the belt.
I pull back, even though it's the last thing I want, but then she whispers, "No," and leans up to find my lips again.
This time, it's me who wants to burrow myself inside her. I kiss her lips, behind her ears, her throat. I lick her skin and touch her hair and she's doing it all to me too.