I run a hand through my hair, not getting what she's saying. And I don't have time for this. Not now. Mom needs me. And I need Priscilla.
"Don't hold it in. Let me be there for you, Jaden." The pain in her voice pulverizes my already shredded insides.
And I want her there. Want her there so much it makes my gut ache. More than that, I want what she's saying. I'm not sure if that makes me strong or weak, but right now it doesn't matter. I just want someone to have my back. Someone who is always there and not only for the good like she said or when they need me. Because even though I'm running off like this... I know Mom wouldn't do the same for me. And that kills me. But Priscilla? She would. She wants to.
"I can't keep doing this. I can't keep getting hurt by trying to be there when you don't want me. I do it with my parents and I can't do it with you, too."
She turns away from me and I know if I were to walk out the door right now, she'd let me. And she should. I don't want to hold it in. I don't want to do it alone. Maybe it makes me selfish or maybe it makes me the biggest fucking pussy in the world, but I want her there.
"Come with me," I blurt out. Funny, how I don't even try to be smooth with her. All I can be is real. "It's going to suck and I hate that you have to see it, or hear however I screwed up this time, but—"
Slowly, she turns and when she looks at me. Questions echo in my brain that I don't have answers to. That I don't want to even think about right now. Not how I will regret this or what she'll see or hear I just... "Come with me. Please."
***
Priscilla calls Sebastian and Aspen while we wait for a cab. They apparently tried to give us some space which really means, ‘we-know-Jaden-is-freaking-out-and-he'll-be-embarrassed-if-we're-there'. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, let me tell you. Even my friends know I can't handle anything.
Then we get on the plane with tickets Priscilla bought while I'd been freaking out. I make her promise to let me pay her back.
My eyes keep jumping to her. My mind pulling up all kinds of scenarios for when we get home. Wondering what she'll think of me when Mom explains how I somehow screwed things up for her. Wasn't I supposed to make things better? By leaving she was supposed to be completely happy and now everything has somehow gone to shit and it's still my fault.
"You okay?" Priscilla grabs my hand.
"Yep."
"Obviously," she mumbles.
"Sorry. I don't mean to be a jerk."
Our flight only has one short layover. The closer we get to home the more edgy I get. I feel like I'm on something—all jumpy and twitchy.
We have to take a cab to my house. My mind is bouncing back and forth between Priscilla and Mom like someone passing a basketball.
What am I going to find when I get home?
What is Priscilla going to think?
Does Mom hate me now?
Do I want Priscilla to see whatever we find there?
The answer to that one is obviously no. "I was thinking... Maybe you should head home. I'll call you later and let you know how things go. I'm sure you don't want to deal with this crap."
Her head drops back against the back of the seat. "Do you not want me there or are you embarrassed? Or do you not think I want to be there?"
"Does it matter?" I scratch my head.
"Are all boys this dense?"
I let out a small laugh. "I don't know, Priscilla. I'm trying here."
"I know." Her head comes down on my shoulder. I love that she's like this with me now.
"I think I need to do this alone. Not because I don't trust you, but...I just think it's best."
"That's fine, Jay. I get it. Just don't shut me out. That's all I want."
"I won't. You're scary when you're pissed."
She pops up and smacks my leg.
"I'm kidding! I meant hot. You're way too hot to piss off."
We both start to laugh. Right as we pull up in my drive way she leans on my shoulder again.
"I'm serious."
"I know. I'll call you tomorrow. I promise."
Chapter Eighteen
I seriously think there is something wrong with me. It seems like I'm always getting these strange feelings or thinking about stuff way more than I used to and I don't like it. I notice things more now, or maybe it's that I'm realizing what I notice? That makes no sense, but the second I step into the house, I feel like I don't belong here.
I was never really happy here. I never felt like it was mine, but it almost feels as though I'm trying to get into a foreign country without my passport. I made it over the border, but I'm prepared to get kicked out at any moment.
And for this particular vacation, it's forced so I'm actually kind of hoping to get the boot.
"Mike!" Mom's voice calls out as I close the door. "Mike, is that you?" She sounds frantic, her feet slapping against the hardwood floor as she runs round the corner. She slides to a stop when she sees me.
"Surprise!" I go for a smile. "But then, I guess it's not really a surprise since I told you I was on my way."
"Jaden." Her arms wrap around me and I find that I wanted it. Maybe needed it a little bit. I'm not sure what that says about me and right now I don't want to take the time to think about it. Or the fact that I'm shocked. She yelled at me on the phone, but she's hugging me?
"Hey, Mom. Are you okay?"
Her eyes are pink. Like maybe they were red, but she cried so much the color bled out.
She shakes her head and then her face is buried in my neck as she cries. The longer it lasts the more stressed out I'm getting. The angrier I am at him, freaked out he hurt her. All sorts of thoughts keep popping up in my head and I try to process them all.
"Come on. Let's sit down." We head into the living room and sit down. How can it feel so strange to be here after such a short amount of time?
"What happened, Mom?"
It freaks me out looking at her. She looks frail and sick. Is this for him? The man who treated me like shit my whole life? I don't get it.
"He's just gone, Jaden. I don't know where he went. It's been so hard ever since..."Her words trail off and she looks at her lap.
"Ever since what?" My body tenses because I have a feeling I know what she's going to say.
"Ever since you left he's been angrier. I keep messing up. I need to get it together so I can make him happy again."
There has never been a moment where I hated Mike like I do right now. Hate him for making her feel like this. I grab her hand. "I'm pretty sure he's never happy unless he's tormenting someone, Mom. It's not you. It's not your fault."
She starts to shake. I don't get it. I don't understand how he can have this kind of effect on her.
"Yes it is. It's always been my fault. If I could give him what he needs, he wouldn't be so mad at me! I wouldn't force him to say such horrible things about me."
Bile rises in my throat and it feels like my chest is cracked open. "Screw that! You don't make him do anything. It's his problem, not yours. You don't need him in your life." Need me. Need your son.
She pulls her hand away and rubs her face. "He's been in my life since I was sixteen years old! He took care of me and protected me. You've never needed anyone, Jaden. I need him."
Her words make me lose my breath. I've never needed anyone? I feel like I need everyone, everything. I can't do anything on my own. And it would have been nice to have her...
"I'm nothing without him." She shakes her head. "Nothing."
My anger helps me find my tongue. "He's nothing! He's a bully. He lost his verbal punching bag and he took it out on you!" I push to my feet. "I'm sorry about that, Mom. I never wanted him to hurt you. I thought it would be better for you, but I can't handle hearing you talking about him like he's a king or something when he's treated me like crap my whole life."
"You don't understand!"
"No, I don't!" It's like she's programmed or something. She's depended on him. He's always been the most important to her, way more important than me, but I can't handle seeing her like this. Hearing her talk about how much she needs the man who called her a slut and shoved down my throat how worthless I am.
I feel like screaming. It seriously threatens to crawl up my throat. My body is ready to explode. She needs him? Him? "You let him treat me like shit! You let him hate me and never stood up for me!"
"Jaden." She shakes her head again before standing. She reaches for me, but I pull away. "It's not like that. I tried my best, by you. I loved you, but you have to think about how it made him feel. You were my mistake and he had to live with it every day. I had to live with it every day."
I flinch.
Somehow it makes her words register. "I didn't mean that. Not the way it sounded."
"It's okay." I take a couple steps backward. It's not okay at all, but I can't make myself say that. I was her mistake. I always reminded her of how she messed up. I ruined her life.
"Things were supposed to be better now," her voice breaks. "You were supposed to be happy there and we were supposed to be happy here. Why did you start in with him on the phone?"
So that's another way this is my fault. Right now, I can't feel, just react. "I didn't! It was him." It all makes sense. He needed someone to take his anger out on and I wasn't here, so he took it out on her. "I'm sorry, Mom."
That must be the wrong thing to say because she starts to cry again. I walk over to her and put my hand on her shoulder.
"I can't be alone, Jaden. I can't do it. I don't know how to be alone."
"You don't have to be alone, Mom. I'm here."
"You'll stay with me? You won't leave me alone?" she asks through sobs.
I want to say no. The thought makes everything inside me freeze—makes me feel lonely all of a sudden. I'm not supposed to stay here with her in this house I hate. I'm supposed to be in New York with my friends. With Priscilla. How can I leave her?
"Yeah, Mom... I'll stay. As long as you need me to, I'll stay."
***
My stomach is inside out as I drive Mom's car to Priscilla. My palms are sweaty. How am I supposed to do this? I mean, how can I leave her, after everything? Part of it is because I can't stand to let her down again. I know that's exactly what I'm doing. Will there ever be a time I'm not letting her down? Or someone down?
More than that, is it's me, too. I love this girl. She's freaking incredible. Everything about her is, and I'm the dumbass choosing to walk away from her? To leave her?
But it's for Mom.
Mom, who kicked me out.
Mom, who said I was a mistake.
I still can't get my head and heart on the same wavelength. After everything I've been through they're still not in sync and I wonder if they'll ever be. If I'll ever be.
My brain tells me to go, but it's that other part that's getting ripped apart. It wants to go, but feels obligated to stay.
Yeah, I'm totally screwed in the head.
"Hey," I say as she gets in the car. Turning sideways, I push a strand of hair out of her face and behind her ear. Her tongue sneaks out and licks her bottom lip. Her lashes are so long and dark, outlining her eyes. "You are so hot."
Priscilla returns my grin. "I missed you, too."
Once the car is in first gear, I pull away. Words bubble in my throat and I can't hold them back, not that I want to. "I did, you know. Miss you."
"I know."
We head to the park because we live in a lame town and there really isn't anywhere else to go. There's a little creek though and we sit by it just hanging out.