When she didn’t reply, I dropped my arm to look at her. Silver-dollar sized eyes met my stare. I’d totally just screwed up. She’d never let me live this down and unlike with Jaden, she wouldn’t be teasing me, she’d be hopeful. That was much worse. “Not for me! I’m too young and having too much fun to go and think I’m in love, it’s just…Jaden—yeah, Jay met this girl and he’s all whipped over her and asking me how he knew if he loved her or not so I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.” And ramble. Since when did I start rambling? First to Mattie about Aspen and the hippie stuff and now this.
I could practically see the happy sigh fall from my mom’s mouth. I’m sure her heart was doing some love dance pitter-patter in her chest. “It’s okay, you know, Sebastian. My mistakes and your dad’s, that doesn’t--”
“Ma!” I interrupted her. “Not going there, okay? I said it wasn’t about me. Let’s not play Oprah.” I stood up and grabbed my shoes. What the hell had I been thinking?
She stopped me with her words. “Okay, then tell Jaden that I can’t really explain it. It’s just something you know. You want to take care of them and let them take care of you, too. They make you happy like no one else can.”
I tossed my shoes to the floor and sat back down. This was a huge mistake. Like making out in Alex’s room sized mistake, but I couldn’t stop myself from asking anyway. “But is it worth it? All the times you’ve been hurt? How do I, I mean how does Jaden know that he won’t get left or end up hurting her?” I’d seen my mom cry so many tears, some of them shed because of my own dad, that I wasn’t sure I could risk doing that to Aspen.
“Oh, honey.” Mom got up and sat next to me on my bed. My legs itched to get up and blow off this whole conversation, but they were too heavy. Like something weighed them to the ugly brown carpet of my bedroom. “You never know what’s going to happen. You have to have faith. All the heartache I’ve felt is worth it. I’ve met Roger and I’m willing to risk heartache because, not only do I think he’s worth it, but I’m worth it.”
I couldn’t really understand what she meant. Sure, it’s easy to say something was worth it, but I didn’t know if I agreed. How did you know beforehand if it really was worth it? How did you know if you could deal with the aftershocks? I didn’t know if I wanted to risk it. What if I was right and the whole love thing was just a crock and I ended up losing Aspen? My best friend?
“I think Jaden should go for it. For the first time in a long time, my life feels pretty much perfect. I have the world’s best son and a boyfriend that I love. There’s nothing else I want.”
I huffed, trying to sound lighter than I felt. “You’re such a girl.”
Mom hugged me. “I love you, Sebastian, and you tell Jaden I don’t think he has to ever worry about hurting a girl. He may not want to admit it, but his heart is always in the right place.”
We both knew we weren’t talking about Jaden. “Hmm, maybe he can use that excuse in the future when he’s being an idiot.”
She laughed. “Probably not a good idea.” Then she sighed and added, “You’re the best thing in my life, Sebastian. I’m so lucky to have you.”
This was getting way too heavy for me, so I quirked my brow at her, still as confused as ever. “Yeah, that’s what all the girls say, Ma.”
***
Aspen picked me up since we both worked the same shift that night. It was weird, the erratic thump of my pulse like I was nervous to be around her or something. Sebastian Hawkins didn’t get nervous around girls. It made me feel like a fish out of water. No, that was kind of a lame analogy. A fish out of water probably felt as though it was dying and I didn’t feel that. My palms were sweaty, my heart beating like a drum, my muscles all twitchy as if I was jacked up on five triple shots of espresso.
“Hey, you okay over there?” she touched my leg with those new, shiny nails I was still unused to. I looked over at her, in her matching DJ’s polo shirt and smiled. Well, I tried to smile, but it felt more like a grimace. “You’re being weird and you look like you’re going to puke.” She swatted me. “Oh my God, Sebastian, are you on something?”
Yeah, the crazy train because I think I might be in love with you. “Hell no. You know I paid attention to all those, “this is your brain. This is your brain on drugs,” lessons in health. I don’t mess with that shit.”
She shrugged. “I know, but, I don’t know. Things have been different lately. I just wanted to be sure you’re still the same old Sebastian I know and love.”
I love you, too. What the hell was wrong with me? Someone needed to shoot me before I could fully morph into some slobbering lovesick puppy. “Nah, I’m the same. You’re the same. Nothing’s changed.” Except nothing was the same. Everything was different.
Aspen laughed and little tremors went off inside me. Her laugh made me want to do it, too. She was quiet for a minute before she sighed. “It’s inevitable, you know. Things change.”
“Not us.” I didn’t want lose her. That was my biggest fear. So many people came in and out of my life. Besides my mom, Jaden, Pris, and Aspen had been the only one who stayed. “You’ll always be my little hippie, Woodstock.” My fingers itched to reach out and grab her. To do the hand holding thing I swore I would never do.
A smile tilted her lips. “Except, I’m not a hippie. You know that.”
She was right. She’d never been quite as bad as her parents. When I realized she didn’t argue with the part where I said she was mine, I fell back into the seat, and relaxed for the first time since getting in the car. “I know. You’re just you. That’s what makes you so damn cool. I mean, Sebastian Hawkins isn’t best friends with just anyone.” And she was one of the cool girls. The one I told PA most guys don’t notice. I hadn’t. Not until recently at least.
Aspen laughed again. “No one makes me laugh like you. Things have been kind of screwy with me lately. I still feel bad about bailing on you. Want to hang out after work tonight? Unless you’re going out or something.”
My stomach got all heavy. This was the perfect chance to test my hypotheses. For the first time in my life I was excited about a science experiment. “For you, Woodstock, my schedule is completely open.” Now, I only had to hope once I had my answer, I’d know what to do about it.
***
“I’m going to run home and get cleaned up and I’ll be back over,” I told Aspen when we pulled into her driveway at about 11:30 that night.
“Can you use my window? I don’t want my parents to know you’re over so late.”
I groaned. “Just sneak me in. All the lights are already off, so you know they’re in bed.” Yeah, I know I was being lazy, but the whole window thing was lame. Plus, heights were kind of scary.
Even in the blackness of the night, I could still see the Aspen scowl on her face. I faltered for a minute, almost telling her I’d climb the stupid side of her house, but I was tired after a long day of making pizza so, instead, I just said, “Please?”
She stomped her foot. “Fine. You’re so spoiled, Bastian. I’ll be at my door in fifteen minutes. If you’re not there, you’re not coming in.” She stormed away before I could reply. With an extra bounce in my step (yes, I’m fully aware at how stupid that sounds), I ran to my house and let myself in. I took another speed shower, got dressed and then knocked lightly on my mom’s bedroom door. The light shined from under her door so I knew she was awake. Probably reading one of those puke-worthy romance books she liked.
“Come in,” she called out. I pushed the door open enough just to stick my head inside. Sure enough she was curled up in her bed with a book that had a guy on the cover with longer hair than her.
“I’m going to go over to Aspen’s to watch a movie. I’ll be back late.” Mom was pretty lenient, but more so when it came to Aspen. I had a curfew just like the next guy, and if I told her I was going to any other girl’s house to watch a movie at midnight I’d get a big hell no. But because it was Woodstock, I got a smile.
“Have fun. Tell her I said hi.”
“Thanks, Ma.” I jogged over to the bed, gave her a hug and then bailed. I knew Aspen well enough to know if I wasn’t at her door when she got there, she wouldn’t give me another chance. I liked that about her.
As soon as I stepped up to the porch, the door slid open slowly. I took off my shoes and left them on the porch, sneaking upstairs in my socks. The cool thing was, her parents had done some remodeling a few years back and their room was downstairs on the other end of the house. We were pretty safe up here as long as we were quiet.
“What do you want to watch?” She asked. For the first time since I got inside, I really looked at her. She’d taken a shower, too, because her hair was wet, tied in some kind of bun thing on top of her head. Her contacts were out and a pair of wire-rimmed glasses sat on her nose. She wore a pair of black pajama pants with a purple tank-top.
And, holy shit, did I want to touch her. I wanted to trace the strap of her shirt over her shoulder and down her back. Her skin looked so smooth, so creamy that I almost needed to touch it just to make sure it was real. I wanted my tongue in that little hollow spot at the base of her throat and, for the first time, I wondered what she tasted like. What it would be like to kiss Woodstock. Woodstock!
She shouldn’t look so good, all dressed for comfort, but she did. Way better than Alex in her skimpy skirts or Abby and Crystal had at the party.
I jumped like a little girl when she clapped in front of my face. “Hello? Are you tired or something? You were totally spacing off for a minute there.”
I shook my head. “I’m cool,” I said, trying to play it off when really I was anything but cool right now. She shouldn’t look so hot at this moment, but she did. Is this what love was? Thinking a girl looked beautiful in her pajamas and glasses? Glasses that I was probably one of the only guys she’d let see her wearing? Was that a good thing or a bad thing?
“Soooo? What movie did you want to watch?” she asked, her hands on her hips.
“Um, as long as it’s not a romance, I’m game.” I sat on her bed, my back against the headboard. I had enough to worry about in my own life to contemplate a happily ever after for two bad actors on a movie screen.
“Comedy?”
“Yep.” I took a few deep breaths, trying to clear my head.
She put on some Will Ferrell movie and sat next to me on her bed. We’d done this a million times, leaned against this same headboard, our arms touching as we watched a movie, but it felt different. My skin tingled a little where she touched me. I was totally aware of that one spot more than I’d been aware of anything in my whole life. I didn’t know if I wanted the feeling to go away or to feel it forever.
“So… I never said thanks for the other night.” She dropped her head onto my shoulder. “God, I don’t know what got into me. I was kind of nervous about something. I must have looked like such an idiot.”
I put my arm around her. “Aw, don’t worry about it. We’ve all gotten drunk and puked on a friend before. I think it’s like a teenage rite of passage or something.”
Her voice was soft when she spoke again. “Yeah, but I was going into a room with a guy I didn’t even know, Bastian. What would have happened if you weren’t there?”
I pulled her a little closer, trying to tell her that I would always be there. I hated it when girls got upset, especially Aspen and all I wanted to do was make it better. “But I was. That’s the whole point of the PPP. We watch out for each other.”