“Are you wet for me?” he breathed, shoving his jeans to his knees.
Her gaze dropped to where he was holding his cock in his hand, stroking, waiting. She licked her lips. “Find out.”
He lifted her in one swift move, pinning her to the wall with his hips to hold her in place. She expected him to slam into her, but he hesitated, rubbing the head against her clit, making her crazy. She clutched two handfuls of his hair and squirmed, moving forward to force him inside.
“Nate…I need you,” she pleaded. “Make love to me. Please.”
He froze, breathing hard, and…he pulled away. He dropped her to her feet and took two big steps back.
She blinked in surprise as she watched him tuck himself back into his jeans, wincing.
“What’s going on?” When he didn’t answer, fear began to douse her desire. “Nate?”
He stopped pacing and dropped to his knees in front of her, shaking.
“Nate?” she repeated.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I’m so sorry, Lil. I didn’t want to hurt you. That’s why I fought so long and hard against this.”
Ah, hell. He was going to dump her again. She could feel it. She’d been abandoned enough times in her life to know the signs. She blinked up at the ceiling, fighting back tears as he brushed a kiss over her stomach.
“I knew I’d hurt you. I knew I’d fuck this up.”
“Just say it,” she whispered. End it. Get it over with. She didn’t need the pain prolonged.
His shoulders tensed and he gripped her thighs as if he were holding on for dear life.
“I want to be rid of this fucking grief, and the guilt that’s eating me alive. I want it so bad…”
The pain in his voice cut her bone-deep. She wanted to take that pain away, extinguish it, but she was starting to think that wasn’t possible. Nate was so broken inside, so hurt… Getting a glimpse of the anguish he’d been living with made her want to cry.
Would he ever get past this? Would he ever be able to give them a real chance?
“I’m a selfish bastard,” he said. “If I were a decent man I’d walk away from you.”
“Why would you say that? You are a decent man. Do you hear me?”
He searched her eyes and a grimace passed over his face. “You’re wrong. If I were decent, I would have told you the truth three days ago.”
Fear flooded her, and her heart skipped a beat. “What are you talking about?”
Regret filled his expression. “I’m leaving, Lil.”
She scrambled away from him and jerked the ruined sides of her top together. “You’re…what? Leaving before the wedding?”
His jaw tightened. “No. I’m leaving the country. I’ve been recommissioned. I deploy in two weeks.”
The world fell out from under her. He’d known this whole time that he was leaving, and he hadn’t told her?
Pain exploded in her chest as reality hit her hard. He hadn’t told her because he’d never really wanted her. Had the past year taught her nothing? Once again, she’d allowed herself to become a distraction for him. An amusement to fill the time until he had something better to do.
Anguish decimated her insides. She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She wanted to hate Nate Jennings for turning her into the one person she swore she’d never become.
But she couldn’t. She couldn’t hate him…not when she loved him so damn much.
“You never wanted me for anything more than sex, did you?” Her voice broke. “What was I? Just a way to pass the time? One last fuck for the road?”
“God, no!” He shot to his feet, pulling her into his arms, forcing her into his embrace. He exhaled against her hair. “You mean everything to me. But if I stay with you now, Lil…I’ll ruin you. I’m so fucking broken inside. You deserve so much better than me. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see how fucking good you are?”
She choked back a sob and held him close. She couldn’t help him. She couldn’t save him. He wasn’t even going to give her a chance to try.
“All of those things I said to you last year…all of the times I pushed you away…I wasn’t trying to hurt you, Lilly. I was trying to save you.”
“From what?”
He exhaled, and moved a hand up to caress her face. Her lips. He finally took a deep breath and rested his forehead against hers.
“From me,” he whispered. “I was trying to save you from me.”
She swallowed the painful lump in her throat and tears blurred her eyes. She couldn’t do this anymore. He was right. She had to walk away before he broke her, too. She pushed him away and he fell back to his knees, looking up at her with so much pain in his eyes she had to force herself to keep walking. She wiped a tear away from her cheek and looked at him one last time.
“You win. Good-bye, Nate.”
Chapter Eighteen
Lilly focused the lens of her camera on Hayden as the beautiful bride put the final touches on her hair and makeup. The train of her ivory dress was spread around her on the floor, making it appear as if she were floating on a cloud of silk. Lilly wandered around the room, mindlessly snapping pre-wedding shots until she had to replace her memory card. It was good to have something to do. To keep her from breaking down.
Her heart still ached over what had happened with Nate the night before. She would have given anything for a chance to prove him wrong. For a chance to stay by his side. But he was hell-bent on being alone. Her heart shattered all over again, thinking about the pain in his eyes and the regret in his voice as he’d delivered the deathblow to their relationship. She still couldn’t get his words out of her head.
He’s said he wanted to save her from him. Like her getting hurt was inevitable. Didn’t he understand he was hurting her so much more by pushing her way?
She shook off her depressing thoughts and immersed herself in this perfectly romantic day. And on her photography. She was good at her job, and the reason was that she focused on the details. Picked out the good and discarded the bad, to find the perfect shot that captured what the person was feeling in that moment in time. It wasn’t lost on her that she had a talent for picking up on something she herself had never really had—love and happiness.
Maybe it was because, deep down, she wanted that more than she was willing to admit.
This wedding was going to be cake. There was nothing but love between Jace and Hayden. The kind of love people wrote songs about. And she couldn’t have asked for a better canvas. The setting was picture-perfect. She could see why Hayden had insisted on getting married here.
Lilly placed her hands on the windowsill and gazed out over the lush landscape. It looked like something in a Thomas Kinkade painting.
“Okay girls!” Hayden’s mother clapped her hands, tears already smudging her mascara. “Let’s have a wedding!”
Lilly snapped a picture just as Hayden turned to her and smiled. “Is this really happening?”
Clasping her friend’s hand, she swallowed the pesky lump clogging her throat. “Yeah, babe. It’s real. And you deserve every minute of this beautiful day. Now, don’t you dare cry. You’ll ruin your makeup. I can only do so much with Photoshop.”
Hayden’s gaze dropped briefly to the scar on her arm from a bullet that had grazed her last year while she’d been on location in the Sudan.
Lilly put her hand over the scar and smiled. “That much, I can do. You’ll never know it was there.”
“Thank you, Lil.” Hayden gave her a hug and adjusted her veil. “Can you be sure to get some good shots of Nate today?”
Lilly adjusted the focus in the camera, trying to hide the fact that she was dying inside. The man had broken her heart, and now she was going to have to take pictures of him all day. “Of course. He’s the best man.”
“I want to make sure to have some recent pictures of him, in case—” Hayden’s voice wavered and she laid her hand over her belly. “I mean, to show the baby. He won’t be here when it’s born.” She straightened and looked Lilly in the eyes. “I want him to know who his uncle is when he comes home again.”
Lilly’s fingers froze around the lens and her heart stuttered in her chest. She squeezed the camera so tightly her knuckles blanched white. “You don’t think he’ll come back, do you?” she whispered.
Hayden stopped smoothing her veil. “Of course he’ll come back. It’s just…” She swallowed. “Of course he’ll come back.”
Lilly bit her lip and looked down at her camera, concentrating on one breath at a time. Being a Marine was a dangerous job. He’d barely gotten out alive last time. What were the odds he’d have that kind of luck again if things went wrong?
“He’s going to be fine, Lil,” Hayden assured her. “He’s already made it through two tours. He knows the ropes.”
Lilly nodded, and slipped her camera strap around her neck, taking another deep breath. She couldn’t break down. Not here or now. This was Hayden’s day.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow, Lilly would be back home where she could allow herself to crack wide open. But right now she had a job to do, and she’d be damned if she let a man ruin the incredible opportunity Hayden had set up for her with New York Bridal Magazine.
“Lilly—”
“Will you be pissed at me if I leave right after the reception?” she asked. “I’ll get all the shots you need, but I want to get back to my computer as soon as possible to put together the package for the magazine. So I reserved an early flight out. I won’t be able to stay to see you off on your honeymoon.”
Hayden searched her face for a moment, and sighed. “If that’s what you need to do, I support you. But I really wish you would give him a chance.”
Was she really that transparent? Apparently.
But Nate had too many issues to take another chance on him. Lilly’s heart couldn’t bear another rejection. He’d already hurt her too many times. Too deeply.
But the fact was, it didn’t matter if she accepted his flaws and forgave him. Nate was never going to forgive himself. She quelled the anger and hurt rising up inside, and swiped a tear away from her cheek. She forced a smile and leaned over to fluff Hayden’s dress.
“Come on, babe,” she said. “Let’s go get you married.”
…
Nate strode into the music-filled barn, his eyes immediately doing a quick scan for blond hair and a lavender dress. He had to find Lilly. After the way they’d left things last night, he had to apologize. He had to explain. Make her understand that he wanted more with her. He wanted everything, despite the fact that he was leaving.
They could find a way to make it work. They had to.
Hearing her say good-bye to him had only proved what he already knew. He loved her. He needed her. And there was no way in hell he was letting her go that easily.
He’d seen her flitting around the ceremony and reception, doing what she did best. It really was amazing seeing her work. She was great behind the camera—the way she handled people, how easily she brought out a smile or a laugh for the shot. The way she found light in even the darkest places.
Not that there were many dark places here today. Watching Jace say his vows to Hayden on that bridge, seeing the pure joy on his little brother’s face, it was the happiest Nate had felt in a long time. Finally, Jace had gotten a break. Gotten what he deserved. He choked back the emotion the day had brought on and took a swig of his beer.
He just hoped Lilly would still be willing to see a little light in him. Because he was nowhere near ready for this to be over between them. Not even close. A long-distance relationship wouldn’t be easy, but he had faith in himself. In them. In what they could have together.