The fuck I do! “I don’t want my old life! I don’t want anything without you! You are my everything, Harper. You and our baby are my everything.” She was leaving me, my world, my heart—was leaving me. Sobs tore from my chest, and my head dropped into her lap as my body shook violently.
“Maybe sometime later, after you’ve had a chance to think about what you really want, we can give us a shot again.”
My hands tightened into fists around her shirt in a pathetic attempt to somehow keep her with me. “Princess please, please don’t do this. I can’t lose you.”
“You don’t have to,” she whispered. “We can remain friends, you can be at all the appointments, and I will continue to live here if that’s what you want. But, Chase, you have just shattered my heart over what will probably only be one night with Trish. Because of that, I can’t be yours right now. I can’t be the naïve girlfriend at home with a baby while you’re off with other women.”
“I won’t be, I only want you.” God, if I had a selfless bone in my body, I would have told her she’s right and let her live a life she deserved. She needed someone like Brandon, someone who would take care of her even after we screwed him over. Not me. Even without trying, all I do is hurt her. She deserves so much better than me, but fuck, I can’t lose her.
“It’s going to take a lot for me to believe you again, Chase, but I’m willing to give you the opportunity to earn my trust again. We’re going to have to start over as friends, though.”
“I don’t want to be your friend, Harper!”
“It’s that or nothing, Chase.”
“Baby, I’m so sorry. I promise, I wouldn’t have done that to you, I don’t remember anything from last night.” Even with the pictures, I could hardly remember anything after Trish showed up.
“I told you, I’ll give you a chance if you want it. But I need a few days before we can try to be friends. I really—I’m hurting, Chase, I feel like you just confirmed every fear I’ve ever had of being in a relationship with you. And I’m still not sure how to begin to deal with this.”
I was at war with myself—part of me was yelling to let her go so she could be happy, the other was dying inside at the thought of not having her to myself. I cupped her cheeks and kissed her deeply. “I will get to the bottom of whatever happened. I love you, Harper, more than you can ever imagine.” I caught her lips again with my own and prayed that this wouldn’t be the last kiss we shared.
System of a Down came blaring through my phone, and I went to hit ignore, knowing it was someone from work. When I caught sight of the name, I did a double take and took the call, standing up and storming off into the kitchen as I yelled into the phone, “What the hell did you do to me? Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”
“Chase—how can you talk to me like that after what we shared last night? Everything you promised me?” Trish asked, sounding hurt.
Shared? Promised? I didn’t—Fuck! “No!” There’s no way I would have done something like that to Harper, no fucking way. “You just ruined my life, do you understand that?”
“I-I-I’m sorry, I—”
“Don’t fucking apologize to me! Harper is the only person you should be apologizing to, but understand that if you ever contact her, or me for that matter, again, I will make the rest of your life a living hell!”
“Cha—”
I hung up before she could say any more and threw my iPhone against the wall as hard as I could. The case shattered, and Princess flinched as a chunk flew right past her head. “Oh God, Harper. I’m sorry!” I walked quickly toward her and watched as she shrank into the chair, her face pale and body shaking. Oh my God, I’m scaring her. I couldn’t have made things any worse if I had tried. “I have to go, before I mess this up more.” I brushed my knuckles along her jaw, hating that she flinched when I touched her and trying to memorize her face. “I’m sorry for everything. I can’t say that enough, Harper, I’m so, so sorry. Please don’t end us, though. I will earn your trust again somehow, just don’t do this.”
“Don’t make this harder for either of us; you know how I feel. Let’s give it a few days, and we’ll see if we can start again as friends. No matter what happens to us, Chase, I want you in his life.”
But I wanted to be in her life, too. My world meant nothing if it didn’t have both of them in it. My stomach churned, and my vision blurred as I realized this was it, the moment I’d always wanted her to find but had always dreaded—when she realized she was better off without me. “I love you, Princess,” I whispered before kissing her one more time and walking out the door.
My body shook brutally with a new round of sobs as soon as I was in my truck, and I slumped against the steering wheel. This is what she needed, but I couldn’t let this happen. I was too selfish to let her go; I needed her more than she could ever imagine. Before I met her, I’d thought my life was perfect. But, in reality, it was meaningless, and would go back to being just that if she was gone. Every ounce of my being was yelling at me to go back into my parents’ house, pull her into my arms, and make her forget about what had happened. But if I was to ever get her back, I needed to give her the space I knew she needed. I scrubbed my hands down my face and cranked the engine over, I had to get out of there before the idea of kissing her senseless started sounding better and better.
While I drove, I thought about everything that had happened in the last year with her, and I couldn’t believe one girl had changed me so completely. My chest rose and fell quickly as I thought about everything I’d done wrong when it came to her, wishing I hadn’t wasted so much time being an asshole to her, and at the same time wishing I had continued to push her away. But how do you continue to push away your reason for staying on this earth? My chest tightened as my heart and mind continued to fight for two different outcomes. I didn’t know which side was winning out. I just knew I wanted her—and I wanted her forever.
Thoughts of my conversation with Brandon in the morning kept creeping back, and though I wanted to push them away, I knew he was right. I knew he was what was best for her. Hadn’t I always been the one saying that? To her—to everyone? Brandon wouldn’t do this to her, he wouldn’t crush her over and over again, but I didn’t know if I had the strength to leave her for good. She was mine—she would always be mine.
I lifted my hips slightly to reach for my phone in my back pocket. When I didn’t feel it, I started going through all my other pockets. Nothing. Where was my phone? I needed to call her. Even if she didn’t answer, I needed to tell her I loved her and that I wasn’t giving up on us, I never would. I felt around on the passenger seat, again turning up nothing. I looked in the rearview mirror and out the windshield. No cars around me, and the light up ahead was still green. Leaning over, I ran my hand over the floor on the passenger side but didn’t feel anything. I swear I had just—Trish . . . I threw my phone against the wall. Fuck, I’d left it at Mom’s. I sat up quickly, deciding it was a sign, and I needed to go back and take Harper into my arms and talk everything out.
I saw the lights out of the corner of my eye before I heard the horn. My eyes darted up to see the red light before I turned my head just in time to have my entire body rocked and the sound of crunching metal fill my world.
MY EYELIDS FEEL heavy as I slowly blink them open. There is a heavy ringing filling my ears, and it feels like a crushing weight is sitting on my chest. I try to lift my arms up to my chest to remove whatever it is, but I can’t make them move. Slowly, things start coming to me. The sound of a continuous horn, searing pain throughout my body, the smell of smoke, and something that smells close to rust and salt filling my nose. My head falls forward, and I realize I’ve closed my eyes again. Forcing them open, I see my blue shirt covered in blood. Why am I covered in blood? I start to panic; my chest heaves up and down roughly once, and the movement forces me to cough out a cry of pain—blood trickling past my lips and onto my lap.
I try to take a steady breath in, but it feels wrong, it feels like I’m breathing in fluid. Choking—I’m choking on blood. Another cough, and more blood falls past my lips. I somehow lift my head enough to see a massive grill where my window and door are supposed to be. Flashes of a red light, bright headlights, and a loud horn. Oh God. God no, please no. Tears form quickly, and I shut my eyes against the blurred grill and pain that is slowly leaving. I don’t want the pain to leave because in its place I feel nothing at all. Please, God—please I’ll take the pain, just don’t take me. I don’t want to die. Don’t take me from Harper and our baby.
“You’ll always have my heart, Chase Grayson.”
“Princess? God, Harper—what have I done? I don’t want to leave you and GB. God, please don’t make me leave them. I’ll do anything.”
“One of these days, Princess, I promise you.”
“I would never be desperate enough to want you.”
“We’ll see.”
“I love you, Princess, I’ll always love you.”
“No. I don’t deserve you, either. You need someone who will cherish you, protect you, and take care of you. Someone that realizes they’d never be able to find another you in the world, no matter how hard they looked.”
“Chase . . .”
“That first night, I did realize I would never meet another girl like you. But you deserve someone who has waited for you as long as you have waited for them. And no matter how much I wish I could be that guy, I can’t, Harper.”
“I’ll never leave you—I’ll always be with you.”
“Was that not obvious? Is it not obvious that I’m in love with you?”
“Say it again.”
“Chase, I love you.”
“Tell GB I love him . . . every day.”