I found that I was just a little disappointed by her answer and the look of relief on her face. What the fuck? Exactly what the hell is wrong with you? You’ve lost your damn mind is that it? You haven’t had a sensible thought since you met her, and now you’re pissed because you didn’t just breed her. I pulled out of her body and sat back, leaving her to fix her clothes while I put my cock back in my pants and zipped up.
I refused to let the evening end on an awkward note, so I pushed what just happened to the back of my mind and concentrated on feeding her. I’ll take out my reaction later once I am alone and look at it more seriously. She didn’t seem too worried, unless she was a very good actress, so I presumed she was definitely sure about the timing.
I didn’t touch her again when we went back out to the car, or on the way home. I walked her to her door and with just the rub of my thumb across her lower lip turned and left. I had to think, things were moving faster than I expected and seemed to be heading in a direction I hadn’t perceived.
Sure I wanted her in my bed, on my arm. But my reaction when she said that my seed wouldn’t bear fruit was something I’d never experienced before. I wouldn’t say I was afraid of where this was heading. I don’t know what I am, other than confused. I at least had the decency to wait until she went inside before letting the driver pull out and leave her driveway.
The next morning I was in a pissy mood. I was still no closer to an answer as to what was going on with me. Instead of staying awake all night as I thought I would, mulling over this new hiccup, I’d dropped off to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Only to awaken with the same questions nipping at my heels.
I left the house earlier than usual and went to the office, but could find no peace there. I have to get out of here. There was a company I had my eye on in Arizona, maybe I should take a few days and go out there, clear my head. I didn’t give myself time to talk myself out of the decision. I’d never let anything stop me from going after what I want in the past, I don’t see why this should be any different.
It was in my private jet on the tarmac that I remembered she was supposed to accompany to the opera that evening and there were a few other engagements that we were supposed to attend this week. I called my secretary and cancelled everything, clearing my calendar for the coming week. Then I sent a text off to Emily, letting her know that I wouldn’t be needing her for those dates after all.
I didn’t call her because I wasn’t quite ready to hear her voice yet this morning. Not until I’d had time to deal with whatever the hell was wrong with me. I did have second thoughts about doing things this way; it felt too much like running away. Something I’m not known for. But until I made sense of this, of that one moment in time when I felt a small glimmer of hope, and the disappointment that followed when she said that we should be safe, I have to distance myself.
Once in Arizona I threw myself into work. It’s what I do best, what I’ve always loved most, and this time was no different. I worked myself into the ground, as thoughts of her chased me throughout the day. I could taste her still on my tongue, and her scent seemed permanently etched on my senses.
I suspected that I knew just what was going on, had known it since the third or fourth time I’d seen her in my office. But I wasn’t ready, hadn’t felt even remotely ready to settle down with anyone. It wasn’t the settling down part that had me running scared, and yes, I admit that that’s exactly what I’m doing. It was the emotion, the raw feelings she invoked in me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a marriage based on love. In fact I’ve always found talks of love and happily ever after laughable.
So why was I now feeling that I had fallen into that trap? I’d always planned to one day settle down with some beautiful woman, have a few kids, but keep my heart safely out of it. I’ve seen what ‘love’ can do to people. My mother had loved my sperm donor her whole life. Even after he’d left her pregnant and penniless when she was more than a mere child herself.
I’d watched her over the years pine away for a man who’d done nothing but hurt her with empty promises time and again. I vowed at a very young age that I would never put myself in that position. Would never give anyone that kind of control over me. And what’s more, never be the one to put another through such pain and sorrow.