What kind of monster was I? My body’s reaction to being in the space only magnified that sickening thought. I felt excited. I wanted more than anything to have a memory of Emma’s body naked, legs spread and waiting for me.
I stepped back into the elevator and made my way to the main living area. I didn’t want to remember anything. I didn’t want to find out what kind of man I had been. How could I feel so much love for this woman and at the same time have no regard for her feelings?
I collapsed on my bed with my phone in hand, my thoughts racing as the alcohol slowly took over, and I drifted off into sleep.
I awoke a few hours later from a dreamless sleep to my phone vibrating in my hand. I flipped it over, anxious to hear Emma’s sweet voice, but the caller ID read Angela.
I answered it with a quick hello, my voice rough from sleep.
“Thank God. I heard about the accident. Are you okay?”
I sat up, groaning as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I couldn’t place her voice. “I’ve been better. I guess.” I pushed to my feet. I was still wearing my jeans and nothing else.
“I wanted to come see you at the hospital, but…” her voice trailed off, and I yawned as I made my way to the kitchen to make coffee.
“It’s fine. I was in a medically induced coma for most of my stay.” I prepared the pot and grabbed a mug from the cupboard. It didn’t hurt my feelings that someone I couldn’t remember hadn’t come to see me. Judging from what I had learned about myself yesterday, it was probably best everyone kept his or her distance.
“Jesus, William.” I could hear the pain in her voice. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you.”
“It’s fine. Emma was with me.” It hurt to say her name. Angela didn’t respond for a moment.
“Is she with you now?” She asked as I poured coffee into my mug and took a sip.
“No.” I didn’t want to elaborate. It hurt just thinking about her, and I had no idea what my connection was with this woman. She seemed genuinely concerned for me, but I had no idea why.
“Of course she isn’t there for you when you need her. I would have been.”
“You weren’t,” I spat out angrily. I didn’t like her tone as she talked about Emma.
“I’d like to come see you. I need to talk to you.”
“I don’t know if that is a good idea.”
“It’s important.”
I glanced at the clock on the stove, wondering if Emma would be awake yet. I needed to hear her voice and convince her to see me. I wanted to make this right, if that were even possible.
“Can I call you back later? I have something I need to do this morning.”
“Yes, anytime. Just call me.”
“I will.” I hung up the phone as I took another drink from my cup. My head was throbbing from my injuries and from a slight hangover.
I scrolled though my contacts until I found Emma’s name and clicked call. After two rings, the call connected, and I could hear her breathing on the other end.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” she repeated, and she sounded so much younger and fragile on the phone. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I guess. Just lonely around here. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come by. We could go out for dinner or…” I couldn’t find the words. I just needed to look into her big, beautiful green eyes.
“I have a lot of things to do today.”
“Alright, I understand.” I didn’t want to push her. I had no right to ask anything from her. “I’m supposed to meet up with some woman later, anyway. Angela, I think her name was.”
“You can’t!” her voice sounded pained. “She’s your ex-girlfriend. You just…can’t.”
That was the glimmer of hope I had been desperate to find. Emma still cared. “My ex?” That explained why she didn’t come see me in the hospital.
“Someone you used to sleep with. You told her it was over, and she wouldn’t accept it.”
I thought that over. Emma knew about Angela. If I were cheating on her, why would I break it off with her and let Emma know what was going on. Maybe I wasn’t as bad as it all seemed.
“That explains why she was such a bitch.” I laughed quietly. I seemed to have that effect on women.
She laughed sadly but didn’t respond.
“I won’t see her, Emma.” She didn’t say anything. “I won’t keep you.” Ending my conversation with her was physically painful.
“Bye, William.” She hung up before I could respond.
I squeezed my eyes closed and leaned my forehead against the cupboard in front of me. I didn’t want to know who I had been. I wanted to keep it all locked away as a bad dream. The feelings would fade, and soon I would only be left with the little bit of information I had looked up. If I had been cold and heartless before, why would I change that now? I knew why, and it killed me inside. Emma had gotten in my head.
Chapter Seventeen
The hours began to run together as I let myself slip deeper into depression. It killed me knowing I was missing so much and unable to remember any of it. The isolation of my apartment, Emma avoiding me, and the loss of any memory of her was like my own person prison cell. I was locked away from my own mind, and my heart screamed for me to make it right. I was in physical pain from her absence.
She had made it clear that she needed her space. I could deal with a little time. I had all the time in the world, but I couldn’t handle forever without her in it.
As the days bled together, I was becoming more like a caged animal. Little slivers of the real me began to show through, and I began to hate myself just as much as she did.
I drank to numb the pain. I drank to make time slip away. None of it dulled the ache in my chest. How was it possible to be so physically attached to someone who was a virtual stranger? I was more and more convinced that the loss of memory was more my own doing than that of the accident.
I spoke to the doctor, and all he could offer was for me to talk to someone. Opening up might trigger something from my past. If I could identify what it was I was running from, I might be able to bring myself to face it. I was running from myself, and spilling my secrets to a stranger would not make it better.
The one person willing to talk to me, and who seemed privy to those secrets, was Allison. I turned my phone over and over in my hand as I thought of calling her. I typed out a quick text and hit send before I could talk myself out of doing the right thing. I was willing to lose it all forever, if I could have Emma.
Can I see you?
I stared at the screen as I waited for a response.
No.
Emma had once again made it clear that she had moved on with her life. Leaving me stuck in my own personal hell to lose my mind.
I tossed the phone on the floor in front of me as I stared out over the twisted sexual devices that filled the third floor. I sank to my knees, my hands gripping in my hair.
Pain. Pain is what drove me, and now I was getting it back tenfold. I was being made to suffer for my sins, and I was my own warden. I stared off at my phone on the floor.
I grabbed it without over thinking my decision and called Allison.
“I didn’t think you would ever call,” She purred.
“I was…indisposed.” I said as my eyes danced over the devices in front of me. “You wanted to talk?” I didn’t want to discuss my accident. I only wanted a few answers.
“I’m sorry.” Her tone changed from confident to weak and regretful.
“If forgiveness is all you want, you have it.” I said through clenched teeth as I tried to remember.
“Nothing is ever that easy with you, William.”
“Things have changed.”
“You’re going to feed me the I have changed line? People like us don’t change. It’s who we are. It’s how we survive.”
“I want you to forget who I am. I have.” I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to force the throbbing in my head to subside.
“You want me to forget what it feels like to have your hand around my throat while you’re inside of me?” Her breathing grew heavier, and I hated the way my cock twitched from her words.
“Don’t.”
“You are who you are, William. That will never change. You may try to hide it, but it will always be there, under the surface, begging to come out.”
“Allison, if you come near me again, or Emma, I will cause you pain that you will not enjoy.” I was shocked by the anger in my own voice and by how much I meant those words. I hung up the phone and took a deep breath.
It was time to escape my past and move forward. I grabbed my phone and slid my finger across the screen. That is when I saw it. My key to freedom. A tiny green circle pulsed on the screen. I clicked it, and it pulled up a list of updated locations and a small map.
I looked up the number to a local cab company and had them take me to the last location.
Chapter Eighteen
I knew where I was going. All roads led to Emma. I tried to force the thought from my mind that I had kept tabs on her location.
As we pulled up in front of the small house, I immediately recognized it from the pictures in the envelope. I paid the cab driver and slowly made my way to the front door. The house was dark, and I could see Emma curled into a ball on the couch. I turned the knob, and the door popped free from the latch.
I wanted to be upset that she hadn’t locked it to protect herself, but I knew the only one she needed to keep out was me, and it was more than obvious that wasn’t going to happen.
I slipped inside and closed the door behind me as she let out a whimper. I quietly made my way to her side as her brows furrowed. She was having a nightmare. I placed my hand on her shoulder, electricity pulsing through my fingertips from the touch of her warm skin. She flipped over and her eyes flew open, filled with fear.
“It’s me.”
She took a deep breath as her eyes scanned my face. “Jesus.” Her head fell back on the cushion.
“What was your nightmare about?” She looked away and rubbed her hands over her face but didn’t answer. “Me?”
“What are you doing here? Did you…did you remember?” There was a look of hope and fear in her eyes.
“No. I couldn’t take not seeing you. My place feels so empty.”
“How did you find me?” She sat up, stretching her arms over her head, revealing a sliver of her small waist.
“There was a tracking app on my phone.” I smiled when she didn’t seem to recoil or panic at my presence. “That probably isn’t a good thing.” I pulled my hand back from her shoulder, my heart sinking at the loss of contact.
“Not really.” She swung her legs over the edge of the couch. I stood up, wanting to pull her into my arms.
“I really fucked up.” I sighed as I shoved my hands into my pockets to keep myself from touching her.
“How did you get here?” she asked.
“I took a cab.”
She pushed to her feet, just inches from me as she nodded. Her shirt had ridden up in her sleep, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off her panties. Her gaze followed mine, and she pulled down her shirt and walked around me toward the kitchen. She began to make a pot of coffee, and I cursed myself for not waiting until a decent hour to come see her. I had a million questions running through my mind and so few answers. I was terrified to let her know that I had pieced any of it together until I could see the big picture.
The time away from Emma only confirmed that not having her in my life wasn’t an option. I just needed her to open up to me. If I could get her talking, maybe she would see that not everything was a lie.
“Whose funeral did we attend?” I asked as her back went rigid.
“My aunt’s.” Her voice was softer now. “You remember?”
“Not everything. Just bits and pieces.” A half-truth. I was able to figure out some of what had happened over the past week, but none of it seemed like it was real. It was all just outside my grasp. “Did she live here? With you?”