I felt like I was trapped in the movie Groundhog’s Day. One day ran into the next. It didn’t help that I had begun to use alcohol again to numb the pain. It only helped temporarily; sometimes all it did was magnify my sadness.
I prepared myself some coffee and a boring breakfast while I stared at my phone, hoping that at least I could hear William’s voice. He didn’t call. Perhaps he finally regained his memory and realized I wasn’t the one he had wanted. That all of this was a sick game to seduce me and have me at his every beck and call. I shuttered at the thought.
Deep down, I’d believed William when he told me he loved me. I knew he wasn’t the picture perfect ideal man for most, but I loved him.
My nearly nonexistent appetite disappeared once again. If anything good was going to come of this, at least I would have a decent figure. How William ever looked at me like I was perfect, I would never understand. Perhaps he was a better liar than I realized.
I made my way to the shower so I could cry in peace. The house was empty, but it became my sanctuary. Kicking William out of my heart was like kicking a drug habit. I had no idea what power he had over my emotions until he was suddenly taken from me. In reality I had pushed him away. I was good at pushing people away that cared about me. It was easier to hurt them before they could hurt me.
I sunk to the floor of the shower and pulled my knees to my chest as I let myself get lost in my own sadness. I could have been closer to Judy if I had just tried harder. I never made an effort.
I dried and dressed, not bothering to brush the wet tangles from my hair. I grabbed another book from my room and made my way to the living room. I forced myself to escape into the story of a brooding vampire who falls in love with the helpless and naïve girl.
Day drifted into night and soon I was curled on the couch, alone, with a bottle of vodka beside me.
Tonight, in my dreams, William was in my arms.
I held him close to me as he stroked my hair and told me how much he loved me. I smiled and told him how much he meant to me. A small delicate hand snaked over his shoulder from behind as Angela’s face appeared.
“I thought you loved me?” she pouted. William turned back to face in and kissed her deeply.
“Of course I love you, Angela.” Their eyes both fell on me as the laughed.
I sat up, heart racing, as I felt along the floor for my bottle. I knocked it over and quickly wrapped my hands around the neck of it. I unscrewed the cap and drank back the contents until it ran dry.
I let myself fall back on the couch and waited for my heartbeat to slow so I could go back to my heart wrenching nightmares.
They did not disappoint.
William appeared with his hands and mouth all over a woman. His back was to me. I ran to him, crying, begging him to stop. As I grabbed his arm and turned his body, I was face to face with my aunt.
I sat up, drenched in sweat once again as the sunlight streaming through the blinds made my head to pound.
At least it was morning. I could use a few hours without the pain of seeing William.
I decided to venture out of the house today. I needed to get away. Some social interaction would do me some good. I made my way to the local grocery store and stocked up on a few can goods, just in case my appetite ever resurfaced. I also grabbed a variety of liquors. I was willing to try anything to help dull the ache in my heart.
By the time I returned to my aunt’s house, I had successfully killed two hours of the day. It was awful. I prayed for the days to pass and when night came, I begged for the sun to rise and the nightmares to end.
William hadn’t tried to contact me since our last conversation. He was obviously fine without me. Why couldn’t I get over him? Why did his moving on make it so much harder?
I sat my bags on the counter, prepared a can of chicken noodle soup, and made myself an icepack. The alcohol was numbing the pain less and less, and soon I would have to go to greater measures to remove William from my heart. Perhaps replace the aching emptiness with someone else. It didn’t matter who. Anyone who could make me feel like I was alive again would do. I shook the thought from my mind and drank down my drink. The thought of being in someone else’s arms made me sick.
The microwave dinged and I grabbed my steaming hot food. I sat at the table and took a few bites. Nothing tasted good anymore. I got no joy out of life.
I was a basket case before William, but how did I let it get to this point? Because he gave me hope. When I felt like I had nothing, was worth nothing, he made me feel like I was special.
I fixed myself another drink and prepared to forget about him. My phone chirped to life. I grabbed it from the table as I checked my messages. It was William.
Can I see you?
I wanted that more than anything. I wanted to hold him, tell him I loved him. I needed him. I couldn’t give in now. The hurt and agony I had felt when I saw him with that other woman was too much. Finding out about my aunt.
No.
That was all I said. I switched my phone to silent and stuck it in the silverware drawer. I wasn’t sure the point of that, but I was already feeling less pain from my drink and I just wanted to forget.
I walked back the hall and grabbed a new book. This was a dystopian favorite and was sure to take my mind off love lost.
I settled into the couch and began to read. My eyes flicked to the kitchen drawer. I wondered if he had said anything back. If he cared. Maybe he was bored or… lonely. If he was lonely, I’m sure he could find comfort elsewhere. The thought caused my heart to clench. I concentrated on the words on the page. I needed to get lost in the story.
Page after page, I read and willed my mind to drift off in a fantasy. Soon, exhaustion took over and I was able to drift away.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I snuggled tighter into the couch as I fought off another nightmare. This one was William with another woman and tears poured down my face as I begged him to stay with me. He only laughed and turned back to her. To Allison, as he kissed her passionately.
A hand gripped my shoulder firmly and I flipped over, nearly jumping off the couch.
“It’s me.” William’s eyes searched mine as he waited for me to become fully awake.
“Jesus.” I let my head fall back against the cushion.
“What was your nightmare about?”
I looked away from his eyes and rubbed my face with both hands.
“Me,” he sighed, and rubbed my shoulder with his thumb.
“What are you doing here? How did you… you remember?”
“No. I couldn’t take not seeing you. My place feels so empty.”
“How did you find me?” I sat up, stretching my achy muscles. The couch was far from comfortable, but I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in my bed. Not with the memories of William and I in there.
“There was a tracking app on my phone,” he smirked, but his expression quickly went blank. “That probably isn’t a good thing.” He shook his head and pulled his hand back.
“Not really.” I sighed and swung my legs over the edge of the couch.
“I really fucked up.” It wasn’t a question and I didn’t respond. He swallowed hard and shoved his hands in his front pockets.
“How did you get here?” I asked, remembering his car had been totaled in the accident.
“I took a cab.” I nodded and pushed myself up to stand in front of him. The electricity in the air was palpable. I pulled my t-shirt down to cover my panties and slid past him. He followed me into the kitchen, sitting down at the table.
I began to make a pot of coffee, knowing damn well I wouldn’t be going back to sleep now. I glanced at the clock on the stove. It was a quarter past four.
“Whose funeral did we attend?”
My body went stiff as I held onto the counter. I cleared my throat.
“My aunt’s.” I tried to keep my voice from shaking as I turned around. “You remember?”
“Not everything. Just bits and pieces.” I turned back to the counter and finished preparing the coffee.
“Did she live here? With you?” he asked as I sat a mug down in front of him. “Thank you.”
“I lived here with her, yes.” I glanced towards the hallway and took a small sip of my drink. He looked behind him, following my eyes.
“It has to be hard for you to be here.” He took a drink and I nodded. He had no idea.
“You can come home… with me. I won’t touch you if that’s what you want. I can sleep on the couch. I haven’t been able to sleep since you left.”
I held up my hand to stop him from talking. “I couldn’t make you sleep on the couch in your own home.”
“Then it’s settled. We’ll sleep together. Strictly sleep, I meant.” He grinned playfully and I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. Why did he have to be so damn sweet all of the sudden? It was hard to say no to those big blue eyes. So easy to forget all the hurt.
“Please, Emma. I need you.” He reached across the table and placed his hand on mine. He was suffering with loneliness as much as I was, just not the heartbreak. I envied his memory loss.
There was no way I could tell him no. I bit my lip and nodded. He flew out of his chair and wrapped his hands around my waist, lifting me off the ground and spinning me. I squeezed his neck tightly and inhaled his scent. He smelled of soap and musky cologne. Unmistakably William.
“Grab your things. I want to get you home.” The way he said home made my heart race. He sat me down and I took a second to regain my balance after he had made me dizzy.
I dashed back the hallway and began throwing some of my clothes in a bag. I didn’t want to take too much time and talk myself out of going. He needed me I told myself. I couldn’t leave him helpless and alone. I laughed at the thought of William ever being helpless. It was me who needed him.
“What’s so funny?”
I jumped and turned to see William in the doorway of my bedroom. The memories of us in this room together flooded my mind and every part of my body noticed. He pushed off the frame and walked towards me, smiling. His eyes glanced around the unfamiliar room.
“I’m ready.” I slung the bag onto my shoulder. He reached out, letting his fingertips graze my skin as he slid the strap of my bag off my shoulder. Every nerve in body took notice.
“I’ll carry this for you.” He reached out his hand for me. I hesitated but placed my hand in his. He laced our fingers together and pulled me down the hall.
Chapter Twenty-Four
I gripped the steering wheel tightly causing my knuckles to turn white. I could feel William’s eyes on me, but couldn’t bring myself to look at him. What was I thinking? How long could I live in this fantasy with him before he got his memory back and it all came crashing down?
I reached out and turned on the radio, relaxing as the music drowned out my thoughts. Listening to the lyrics of Criminal, I had to laugh to myself. At least William wasn’t a criminal. William’s eyes were on me again and I cleared my throat and switched the station.
I didn’t loosen my grip on the steering wheel until we pulled inside the garage of William’s place. His eyes lingered on me for another minute before he got out of the car. I blew out a loud breath and opened my door to follow him. He grabbed my bag from the backseat of my beat up Rabbit and slung it over his shoulder.
I followed him up the stairs and waited as he unlocked the door. He swung it wide open and waited for me to walk inside. It felt like home. I missed being here with him. It was the only place in the world I wanted to be. I stopped a few feet inside the door and stretched as I yawned.
“Want to go to bed?” His breath tickled my ear from behind me.
I was suddenly nervous to be in his bed with him. I knew it was only a matter of time before I gave into my carnal wants. I missed his hands on my body, possessively claiming me as his. I missed feeling anything else besides sadness.
“Come.” He walked around me and held out his and for mine. That word coming from his lips was enough to make me lose all of my senses. Did he really have no idea what kind of effect he had on me? Maybe this was just another horrible nightmare. Soon enough he would break my heart and I would awake on my aunt’s couch.