The ride back to the bus went entirely too fast. I didn’t want to let go of Tucker, not knowing if things were going to be okay between us. We had a lot to discuss. As the bus came into view I suddenly felt a new wave of emotion. Embarrassment. Luckily, the alcohol made me feel brave enough to pull myself from Tucker. I took off my helmet as he got off the bike, shaking out my hair. Tucker stood beside me not saying a word. He took my helmet from me, looking it over before tossing it on the back of his bike.
“We need to talk.” I wanted to clear the air and make all of this go away. I wanted to be mad at him and know that just because I was upset, he wasn’t going to leave me. He nodded, rubbing his hand over his hair as he sighed. It might be too late.
He grabbed my hand and began walking by the bus. I trailed behind him, trying to figure out how we would fix this.
“Thank you for helping Eric.”
He turned his head to look at me, his eyes narrowed.
“I only helped him so you would get on the bike. I could care less where he goes.”
I stopped, pulling Tucker to a halt.
“Why are you acting like this? Eric is your friend.”
“You don’t know the whole story.”
“I know more than you think.”
“You know his side.”
“That’s because you don’t tell me anything! Tucker, you know every pathetic detail of my life, and I barely know anything about your past.”
“Because it’s the past and that’s where it should stay.”
I pulled my hand from his and crossed my arms over my chest.
“Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
“What does that mean?”
The last thing I wanted to discuss was his ex-girlfriend, but I needed to know I wouldn’t be kicked aside the first time I screwed up somehow.
“What happened back there was an innocent hug. Nothing more than that. You need to trust me, and you need to trust your friends.”
“Eric is far from innocent.” He laughed humorlessly.
“What about you?”
“What about me?” he shot back.
“That girl. She was all over you, Tucker, and I didn’t see you pushing her away.”
“It was for work,” he yelled. I glanced behind us, hoping no one from the bus could hear us arguing.
“Why didn’t you want me to be there for that then if it was so innocent?” My anger was matching his.
“Because I didn’t want it to hurt you. It killed me to see the look in your eyes when you saw us on that fucking bike, sweetheart.”
“You got over that pretty quickly.”
“I snapped. Eric and I have a very rough history. I didn’t mean for you to get in the middle of it.”
“I noticed that when I got knocked out of the way.” I glared at him. His expression softened, and I could see his eyes tear over.
“I will never forgive myself . . .” His words cut as he struggled to keep his composure. “I didn’t tell you to leave because I was angry at you. I wanted you to leave because I had fucked up. I don’t deserve you. Not after tonight.”
“What happened in there was an accident. Trust me, I know the difference.” I took a step toward him and let my arms fall to my sides. He looked up at me, his expression pained.
“It doesn’t matter.” He shook his head as a tear slid down his cheek. I reached out to wipe it away, but he pulled back, not letting me touch him. “You don’t deserve any of this.” He kicked at the loose gravel under our feet.
A pair of headlights flashed across us, and we both turned to see Donna pull up beside the bus. Tucker shoved his hands into his jean pockets.
“What are you saying? You are giving up on us just because it got hard? It can’t always be perfect, Tucker.”
“It won’t ever be perfect, Cass. I’m so afraid someone else is going to hurt you that I end up hurting you myself. The way you looked at me after I fought with Eric . . .”
“If you would just talk to him.” I sighed, tossing my hands in the air.
“He doesn’t have a choice,” Eric called out from behind me, startling me with his close proximity. I spun around to see him just a few feet from us, his eyes locked on Tucker.
“I have nothing to say to you, and this is between me and Cass.”
“Seemed like it had something to do with me at the studio.” Eric walked up beside me.
“You mean when you were whispering in my girl’s ear, pulling her snug against your body?”
“He was telling me not to be upset. He told me to trust you, Tucker.” I wanted to fix things in my relationship, but first Eric and Tucker needed to mend their relationship. I hated seeing them hurt each other. Tucker looked over at Eric, not sure he believed me. Eric nodded, raising an eyebrow over his bruised eye.
“That doesn’t make sense. He has been against me from day one.”
“You’re my brother, Tucker. Cadence was a life lesson. This band has been the only family I have, and Cass is a part of that now.”
“You expect me to believe that after what happened?”
“What happened?” Eric threw his arms out at his sides. “I was cheated on by my girlfriend and later I found out it was with someone I had come to consider one of my best friends. I know you had no clue, Tuck, but it didn’t hurt any less.”
“You gave her pills and she nearly overdosed!” Tucker was in Eric’s face, but he stood his ground. Eric sighed, trying to keep himself calm.
“I loved her. I wouldn’t have done anything to hurt her. Just like I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. And I can’t let you hurt Cass.”
Tucker relaxed, his shoulders sagging, and I knew he finally believed Eric. I reached out slowly and looped my fingers in Tucker’s. He looked up at me, his blue eyes red with sadness.
“I know how hard it is to trust people, Tucker. Everyone I ever cared about hurt me in one way or another. I know it is hard for you, too, but we won’t ever make it if we don’t try.”
He nodded, pulling me roughly into his arms. He squeezed me so tightly I could barely breathe, but I didn’t care. I wrapped my arms around him and held on to him as his body shook softy and we both cried. Taking such a leap of faith wasn’t easy for either of us.
I don’t know how long we stood there, holding each other, but when we finally pulled away, Eric was gone.
“You should talk to him . . . alone,” I said, taking a few steps back. Tucker nodded and went toward the bus to find Eric. I let out a sigh and looked up to the millions of stars dotting the sky above me. A few minutes later I heard heavy footsteps on the gravel behind me, and I spun around, not sure who was lurking in the dark.
“You okay?” Sarah asked. She was wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt, her makeup scrubbed off her face and her hair thrown back into a loose ponytail. You would never have guessed her alter ego was a powerful rock chick.
“I think so.” I nodded. “You heard all that?”
“Bits and pieces. It was kind of hard to miss.”
I looked back up at the sky and Sarah did the same.
“You’re lucky.”
“How so?” I asked, not taking my eyes off the sky.
“He wouldn’t have been so angry if he wasn’t so deeply in love you. He cares and it scares the shit out of him. He would give you up if it was what was best for you.”
“I can’t imagine how it would be better for me to be without him.”
“That’s because you love him just as much.” I could see the smile on her face in my peripheral vision. “There is a big difference between loving someone and being in love with him, you know.”
“What’s that?”
“When you love someone you tell them, but when you’re in love with someone you show them.”
“What part of that fight was us showing each other our love?” I looked over at her and she looked at me.
“For starters, he and Eric have been on a downward spiral since I met them. They were dead set on letting it end in a bloody mess, but they didn’t. That was because he loves you.”
She motioned across the parking lot to Tucker and Eric giving each other a hug as they put their past behind them. “We all have shit that scares us. For you it’s getting hurt by someone you love. Tucker is afraid to trust. I’m scared to be alone. We all have our demons, but if we can get our demons to play nice with someone else’s, well, that makes life worth living.”
Chapter Seventeen
I STRETCHED AND TUCKER’S arms coiled tighter around my stomach. I smiled, kissing him lightly on his forehead. He grinned as he slowly opened his eyes.
“I love waking up with you in my arms.”
“Good, because this could get awkward if you didn’t.”
He laughed, placing a kiss on the tip of my nose.
“Gross,” Eric called from his bunk, and Tucker and I both laughed.
“Good morning, Eric,” I called out.
“What’s good about it?”
“I’m going to make pancakes.” I listened as he slid out of his bunk and made his way into the tiny kitchen. Tucker frowned.
“What’s wrong?”
“I didn’t want to let go of you yet.” He squeezed me again, and I peppered a trail of kisses up his neck. “Now I refuse to let go of you.”
I pushed against his chest to break free from his grip.
“Come on. I’m hungry.”
He reluctantly let his arms go slack and I slid out of the bunk, holding my hand out to him. He took it and stood up with a groan. I glanced down over the rough skin of his knuckles that had been busted and swollen from his fight with Eric. He pulled his hand back and ran it over his hair.
“I’m fine.”
I rolled my eyes but walked to the front of the bus to prepare breakfast. I cringed when I saw Eric’s face. His lip was not nearly as swollen, and where it had busted open had healed closed, leaving a thin red line. His eye was another story. It had darkened into deep purples and blues.
“You look rough,” Tucker called out from behind me as his hands fell onto my hips. I bent over to grab the ready-made batter from the fridge.
“I think it suits me. Chicks dig it.”
I shook my head as I listened to them talk as if last night hadn’t happened. I was glad that there was no tension in the bus. I had no clue what they talked about, but it seemed that they had worked out most of their problems.
It felt good to cook, even though it was something simple and most of the work was already done for me. I never learned how to cook homemade meals, anyway, so this was the best alternative. I let my mind drift to what it would be like in the future, standing over a stove in my own home. I wondered if Tucker would be around or off with the band traveling the world.
“Smells great,” Chris said with a groan as he made his way to the front of the bus. He shoved Eric over so he could sit at the table. Terry followed suit, squeezing in on Tucker’s side. Everyone was happy and chatting. I loved days like these; it made everything else worth it.
I stacked the pancakes on a plate, refusing to feed anyone until I had made enough for them to eat at the same time.
After dishing out a stack for everyone, I gave them their plates and leaned back against the counter to eat my own pancakes as I watched them.
“We need this every morning,” Terry proclaimed with his mouth full of food.
“I want to try to make beignets.” I shoved a bite in my mouth.
“What fancy kind of shit is that?” Eric asked.
“Weird donut things with powdered sugar on them. I had them when I visited my dad. So good.”
“Bring some home with you next time,” Chris chimed in.
“All right. I’d like to see him again. It didn’t feel like we had much time together . . . and I let so much go unsaid. . . .”