No one else will exist to you after me.
But something’s different. He doesn’t hold my stare the way I’m accustomed to. There’s no danger lying dormant, sparking my curiosity with an assurance of something I’ll never forget. What has my skin ignited into a slow burn is the tender caress his eyes are giving me. Like he’s examining my soul for any signs of trauma, silently whispering to me while he moves over my body.
I did this, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.
I don’t know how I do it, but I break the contact and look over at my brother. Mainly because I can’t handle a gentle Luke right now, a Luke who looks as broken as I feel.
Ben smiles, his two dimples sucking in prominently as he looks between the four of us. “You guys ready to meet him?”
I finally move, my legs remembering why I’ve been in this hospital all night. I drop my cup into the trashcan I walk past and keep my attention on Ben. “Is Mia okay?”
His cheeks hollow out even more as he looks unashamedly awestruck. “Yeah, she’s perfect. She was amazing, but she’s completely wiped out. This visit needs to be quick so she can get some rest.”
Nobody argues with Ben. He’ll always do what’s best for Mia, and I love that about him.
Luke hangs back as my parents move through the doors behind Ben. I go to follow, but Luke halts me with a hand on my arm.
“Tessa.”
“Not now.” I pull out of his reach, my skin tingling with the loss of contact. Our eyes lock. “I’m here for Mia, and the baby. I can’t.”
He nods his understanding, but his eyes burn with conflict, and regret, so much that it steals the breath right out of my lungs.
I force myself to keep moving, going against every fiber in my being that wants me to stay still with Luke. I focus on Mia, and Chase, burying my pain deep down, creating a deeper hole inside me. Luke stays by my side, walking with me in silence, but his thoughts are so loud the sound seems to echo off the walls around us. My body begins to pulse with a reaction I haven’t yet acknowledged. I’ve been too numb to feel anything besides empty, but this flares to life inside me, curling my hands into fists.
Anger. There you are.
“You left me,” I spit through gritted teeth. His response comes to me in the form of a sharp inhale, seething into a hiss. I keep my eyes straight ahead, focused on what I’m here for. He doesn’t get my glare, fueled with resentment, or the punch I’m ready to throw.
But he is about to get my mouth.
“I had to,” he quietly replies.
My control breaks, snapping completely in two. “No, you didn’t!” I stop in the middle of the hallway as Luke stumbles to a halt, eyes wide and wild, on me. We’re only a foot apart, and I quickly close the gap, stealing his personal space out from under him. I get as close to his face as my tiptoes allow me, and I don’t hold anything back.
“Don’t you dare act like you didn’t have a choice! You left me because you wanted to! You chose this, and you were a fucking coward about it because you didn’t even tell me goodbye. You knew… you knew I wouldn’t let you leave. You should’ve stayed and fought for us, Luke! I will always fight for us.”
He leans down, scowling, giving me his own neglected anger. “You broke up with me, remember? Who was fighting for us then?”
“I did that because you didn’t want a family with me. I wanted that!”
“I will always want anything that gives me you!”
I suck in a breath so fast I start to feel light-headed. Blinking into focus, I read him for any signs of dishonesty, but Luke isn’t avoiding my scrutiny with little-to-no eye contact. He’s giving me just the opposite.
“I fucked up, okay?” he says, bringing his voice down so that it’s just us in this conversation, and not everyone in the state of Alabama. “You think leaving you didn’t kill me? Because it did.” He jabs a finger at his chest. “I’m a dead man, Tessa. There’s nothing in here anymore. This part of me died when I left. But I did it because I was trying to protect you.”
My eyes well up with tears, but I don’t blink. I won’t give him that.
I take a step back, and he moves with me until I hold my hand up. “I never asked you to protect me, Luke. I asked you to love me.” I let my hand fall. “That’s it. That’s all I’ve ever wanted from you, and you left me because you couldn’t do that.”
He moves in front of me when I try and continue down the hallway. “Wait.”
“Did you even listen to any of my messages? I called you, every day, sometimes more, just to hear that stupid voicemail recording.”
He blinks, then swallows. “I listened to one, last night. I think six times, or something. The one where you just wanted to pretend we were together.”
“That’s it? That’s the only one you listened to?”
His eyes widen at my question, glazing over with guilt. “Yeah.”
“Give me your phone.” I move into him and hold out my hand, palm up. He hesitates, but only briefly, and produces it from the side pocket of his shorts. I take it from him and dial his voicemail, entering the code, and ignoring the look he gives me because I know it.
He’s so close to me I can smell the shampoo he uses, the faint hint of his cologne. He’s freshly showered and I probably look like death run over.
Fucking awesome.
I hit the speaker-phone button, and begin sliding my thumb along the bar to get to the end of a message. I know what I want him to hear. The only important thing I ever said on these messages.
“I love you today. I wish you were here to ask me.”
His eyes shift from my face to my hand, back to my face. Blinking, as if he can’t believe that phone, the very one he’s had with him all this time, had those words hidden inside it. I go to another message, and another, letting him hear seventeen versions of that sentence.
“Tessa,” his whispers, reaching up and pulling me into an embrace. One hand grips the back of my neck while the other secures around my waist.
I don’t fight it. I don’t want to. There will never be a part of me that doesn’t need him, vital and desperate like this.
He drops his forehead to mine. “Tessa,” he repeats, even softer, as his eyes close.
“Ask me.”
I see the slight shake of his head. The hesitation.
His eyes flash open when I lay my hand on his cheek. “Ask me. Please, ask me.”
He waits, shifting his hand on the back of my neck to get a better hold. As if I’ll run, and the thought terrifies him.
“Do you love me today?”
I nod, sending the tears down my face. My yes blows across his lips as he slides his mouth along mine. It’s unexpected, and perfect, and I’m done. I’m so done for with that kiss. He moves from one corner of my mouth to another. Pressing, pressing harder, until I’m being pushed up against the wall. His hands hold my face, guiding me with a tilt so he can kiss along my jaw, my cheek to my ear, where he whispers, “Ask me.”
I don’t breathe as my eyes open to meet his. He smirks. The asshole actually smirks, and it’s beautiful.
“Not here,” I say, and he looks wounded until I run my hands around his neck, pulling him back against me. His lips tease mine, then his tongue, and I know he’s doing it to get what he wants right now.