“I’m… uh… Sorry about that,” I stammered, not sure the apology was fitting coming from me. I’m not sure that he deserved an apology, period.
“Don’t. Please don’t apologize. It just makes this harder.” Before he started speaking again, he sighed. “Listen, Kacie. I have no idea what to say except I’m sorry. I’ve been replaying the other night in my head over and over and I can’t figure out why I did what I did.”
“First things first—why did you drink?” I searched his face, looking for a sincere answer.
“Honestly?” He looked up at me. “I don’t know. Something about hanging with the girls at the park just set me off. I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself when my friend Brett called. Before I knew it, we were in a bar and I was throwing back rum and Cokes like I just came in from the desert.”
I studied his face as he stared down at his hands, clearly ashamed.
“What does this mean? Ya know, for your sobriety?” I asked, genuinely concerned.
“I’m still taking everything day by day. I’m just going to check in more often with my sponsor, and instead of going to meetings a couple times a week, I’m going to go every day for awhile. I’m not worried about that part. I’m worried about the damage I did… to you.”
“Yeah, that part sucked, but it wasn’t completely your fault.” I took a deep breath. “Had I told Brody that you were back and we’d talked, he wouldn’t have reacted the way he did.”
“It wasn’t your fault I got drunk and came over uninvited.” He shook his head.
“That’s true. It’s over and done with, though; nothing either of us can do about it. Now I just have to try and figure out how to fix things with him.”
“That’s actually why I wanted to talk to you,” he said slowly. His eyes caught mine and my stomach sank.
“That first time I saw you here, at work, I felt like there was a reason we were put together at the same hospital at the same time. I mean, what are the odds? Out of all the hospitals in our area, out of all the departments you could have been placed in, out of all the shifts between the two of us… we ended up in the same room at the exact same time.”
“I would call that dumb luck on your part. From my end, it was terrifying.” I didn’t mean to sound like a total bitch, but I was being honest.
“I realize that. For me, it seemed like maybe a second chance at what I’d missed out on five years ago.”
I started to roll my eyes and he reached forward and grabbed my hands. “Hear me out. Time has gone on and, as one pissed-off hockey player reminded me, I threw you and the girls away. I didn’t miss out on anything.”
When had Brody told him that? Ugh. That damn truck ride.
“That’s right, you did,” I said quietly.
“That’s my point. I’ve always, in my head, twisted everything to feel like I was a victim of my disease. I’m not. And the decisions I made during the height of my addiction were just that—my decisions. I have to own them and that’s what I plan on doing, starting now.” He let go of my hand and sat back in the chair. “Life is about choices. Every day we make them. From things as minor as what we should eat for breakfast to major things like if we should leave our family today. Well, I made a bad choice. I tell myself that I left to protect you guys and I suppose in some ways, that’s true. But mostly, I left because I was selfish.”
“Where are you going with all this?” My eyes were damp with tears. I was sick of him rehashing our past every time we saw each other. I just wanted to be happy again.
“I’ve made another choice and I pray to God it’s finally the right one. I’ve been selfish my whole life when it comes to you, so for once I’m doing the exact opposite. I’m going to walk away, again. Except this time, it really is for you and the girls.”
My mind raced in a hundred different directions.
He’s walking away again? We’d just gotten to the point where I could be in the same room with him and not want to kill him. I’d been thinking about how I’d tell Lucy and Piper their real dad was back and wanted to see them. And now he wanted to go?
“I don’t understand.” I blinked and my eyes darted around his face.
“Selfishly, I would give anything for another chance with you, but I can see that your life was pretty awesome before I came barging back into it. Me being around has caused you nothing but stress, so I’m going to disappear. The girls didn’t know who I was, so it’s no loss to them. You seem really into Brody, and he’s obviously very into you and protective of my daughters. I really couldn’t ask for any better for them or you.”
I dropped my head into my hands and rubbed my eyes, desperately trying to digest all that he’d just said to me. My own dad took off when I was ten years old and I hadn’t seen or heard from him since. When I was in high school, I often wondered how different my life would’ve been if he’d stuck around. Naturally, I wanted a better life for Lucy and Piper than I’d had and if that meant asking their biological father not to walk away, so be it.
“Kacie?” he questioned quietly after a minute.
My head snapped up to face him and I took a deep breath. “I don’t want you to go.”
He pulled his brows in tight and cocked his head to the side. “You don’t?”
“No. I don’t. I never imagined myself saying this, but we lost you once, Zach. I don’t want to lose you again. You’ve been through a lot and you’re right, you made some shitty decisions. But you’ve shown me more change in the weeks we’ve been in contact than in the whole three years we were together before.”
A shy smile spread across his face and he looked down, fidgeting with his phone.
“You were right about one thing, though,” I continued. “Romantically, there’s no chance for us. My heart belongs to Brody and it always will.”
“I understand.” He nodded.
“I’m going to try like hell to get things back on track with him, and in time we’ll see about introducing you to Lucy and Piper. Like I said a few weeks ago, though, my trust for you is pretty broken. It’s going to take a long time and a lot of work to fix. And no more drinking. Period. That’s a deal breaker.”
“As long as it takes. You’re in charge. And you have my word about the drinking. I’ll never touch the stuff again.” He smiled slowly as his shoulders relaxed.
Relief rolled across his posture and I was jealous. I could only feel that kind of relief with contact from one person right now, and he wanted nothing to do with me.
Diesel’s cold nose pressed against my cheek, waking me out of a sound sleep.
“Morning, buddy. You gotta piss?” I asked without opening my eyes.
I lifted the pillow and shoved my head under it, trying to block out the sunlight.
We got back really late the night before from our road trip and I came home and collapsed. My body and my brain were exhausted. I was playing like shit and thinking about Kacie nonstop, but I couldn’t bring myself to call her. Not yet.
She wasn’t the only one trying to reach me. My mom had called me so many times, I was surprised she hadn’t sent out a search party for me yet.