“So, you’re saying I should just change the subject when she asks me how I feel?”
“Fuck no! I’m saying, if she asks you some girly shit, you throw your nuts at her. Whip those puppies out, roll them around in your hands, and get her to focus on those bad boys instead.”
Remind me again why I thought calling him was a good idea?
“I’m not showing her my balls!” I whisper angrily into the phone.
Uncle Drew laughs and before he can give me any other stellar advice, I hear Aunt Jenny in the background.
“Drew, did you just tell Gavin to show Charlotte his balls to avoid talking about how he feels?”
“Babe, why did you get down from the roof? The almonds are almost ready and the pickled relish is cooling on the stove,” Uncle Drew pleads.
“Drew Parritt, are you telling Gavin not to talk about his feelings?” Aunt Jenny demands again.
I hear a rustle of fabric over the line and then Uncle Drew shouts, “ Jenny, look at my nuts!”
Peering around the corner, I see Charlotte walk into the room and look at me questioningly.
“Ooooh, I love your nuts. Don’t forget to grab the salad thongs. I’ll see you on the roof.”
A few seconds later, Uncle Drew comes back on the line as Charlotte walks right up to me and stands a few inches away, staring into my eyes.
“What did I tell you? Nut tossing works every time. Good luck. I gotta go. There’s a few orgasms calling my name.”
The dial tone sounds in my ear and I end the call, slowly lowering my arm down and placing my phone on the counter next to me, my eyes never leaving Charlotte’s.
“Are you done with work stuff?” she asks.
I nod my head in response, unable to speak because of her close proximity. I want to touch her boobs. They’re right in front of me, straining against the front of her T-shirt. They’re doing this on purpose! They know I can’t just reach out and touch them whenever I want. Fucking boob teasers.
“We kissed the other night,” Charlotte whispers.
I swallow thickly and nod again, trying not to look directly at the boobs since it would be rude.
“What were you feeling right when we kissed?” Charlotte asks, leaning in closer so that her boobs are now pressed up against my chest.
I want to snuggle her boobs and I want to kiss her and never stop, and she wants feelings! I have feelings, dammit! I have all the feels! But what if my feels aren’t the same as her feels and I look like an idiot because of my feels? I don’t want to look like an idiot!
Staring down the front of her shirt, her warm breath on my face, I reach for the fly of my jeans without even thinking about what I’m doing.
“I HAVE NUTS!”
Chapter 12 – Here’s to You, Mrs. Robinson … er, Ellis
“You look guilty. Why do you look guilty?” Tyler asks as soon as he hops into the passenger seat of my car and I take off.
How the f**k does he do that? Of course I feel guilty. My best friend stuck her hand down my pants last night and jerked me off. And when I tried to reciprocate and wound up ripping her underwear by accident, she left without saying a word. I’m way beyond feeling guilty. I’m f**king mortified.
My mom had a meeting she couldn’t miss this morning and my dad is being released from the hospital. She didn’t ask so much as tell me I would be picking him up today.
“You need to pick your dad up from the hospital. And take him wherever he wants to go. I don’t care if he has to go back to the doctor for an enema, you will go with him and hold his hand.”
Even though Tyler spent half the evening with my parents last night after I left the hospital with Charlotte, I didn’t feel like that punishment was enough for him, considering he roofied my dad, so I told him he was coming with me.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t feel guilty,” I finally reply, refusing to look in his direction.
“Liar, liar, you’re a f**king whore. Spill it,” Tyler demands as I stop at a red light.
I can feel Tyler’s eyes boring into me from the other side of the car, and I know my face is heating up and turning red.
“Oh my fuck. Is that a hickey on your neck?” Tyler shouts.
Craning my neck, I look into the rearview mirror, and sure enough there is a little red mark right below my ear. Hot damn.
“I think you have your answer right there, bro. When a chick gives you a hickey, she means business.”
Looking away from the mirror, I glance over at him in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
Tyler shakes his head at me. “Dude. She marked you. Now, every chick that sees you is going to know you’re taken. She should have just pissed all over you and been done with it. Golden shower, party of one!”
I’m sure that’s not why Charlotte did it. It was the heat of the moment and all that shit. Tyler’s insane.
“So, you made a move. Little Gavin is all grown up. It brings a tear to my eye. Under the shirt AND under the bra? Did you blow your load in your pants as soon as you touched her tits? Is that why you feel guilty?”
I scoff at him and roll my eyes. “What are we, twelve? Did you seriously just ask me that?”
I know, I know. I totally DID blow my load like ten seconds after she touched me, but I’m not about to tell Tyler that.
“Hey, it happens to the best of us. I once came in my pants when I was thirteen and Christy Collins made me play with her My Little Ponies.”
I laugh and glance Tyler’s way as I wait for a red light to change. “Was Christy Collins THAT hot when she was thirteen?”
Tyler shakes his head and pulls his cell phone out of his back pocket. “It had nothing to do with her. Have you ever played with My Little Ponies? They have such silky smooth hair and cute little butts. Twilight Sparkle is my favorite.”
I can’t form words right now, even if my life depended on it.
“Dude, did you jerk off to a My Little Pony?” I ask in disgust.
“See? I knew you’d judge me. It’s not like that at all. It’s all about her personality,” Tyler argues.
“It’s a f**king plastic horse! Holy shit, you don’t bang animals do you?” I yell in horror.
“Oh my God, that’s just sick, Gavin. Really, I expected better from you. Can we please change the subject? I really don’t like discussing my Bronie status with someone who doesn’t live the lifestyle,” Tyler complains.
“Did you just say Bronie? What the f**k is that? Is this some sort of club or something?”
“Not that you care, but yes. Bronies are a select group of men who appreciate the beauty and personalities of My Little Ponies,” Tyler explains.
“And by appreciate I’m assuming you mean jerk off to,” I say with a laugh.
“IT’S NOT LIKE THAT!”
I just nod, trying to contain my laughter and overall disgust from this conversation.
“So, did you close the deal and f**k Charlotte?” Tyler asks, changing the subject.
“Stop. I would never f**k Charlotte. I would make love to her gently,” I tell him.
“Alright there, McSensitive Pansy Ass. Did you make sweet, sweet love to your beautiful goddess?” Tyler asks, folding his hands under his chin and batting his eye lashes at me.
“No, we didn’t get that far. I did rip her thong, though,” I tell him sheepishly.
“BOOM! That JUST happened! Maybe you really do have a penis hiding between your legs after all.”
Before I can call Tyler a My Little Pony-fucking freak, he puts his phone up to his mouth and speaks into it.
“Siri, where is the closest Victoria’s Secret?”
“I do not understand the question, Hot Lover Boy Big Penis Man Titty Tickler.”
Listening to Siri spout off the name Tyler makes her call him, I roll my eyes and shake my head.
“Don’t judge me. Siri speaks the truth,” Tyler says distractedly as he presses the speaker button and talks into his phone once again. “Siri, my friend needs to buy some thongs for a chick he almost banged. Where the f**k is Victoria’s Secret?”
“I do not appreciate your tone of voice, Hot Lover Boy Big Penis Man Titty Tickler.”
Tyler curses at his phone.
“Why exactly do we need to go to Victoria’s Secret for thongs?” I question.
“Um, hello? Item number seven on the list. Buy that bitch some lingerie.”
Damn, I forgot about that one. Come to think of it, I’m surprised I even know my name after what happened last night with Charlotte. I don’t even need to close my eyes to remember what it felt like to have her small, warm hand wrapped around me. Things escalated quickly between us in my kitchen, and I hope to God she doesn’t have any regrets because I want a repeat performance as soon as possible. One where I actually last more than a few seconds. I have no idea what any of this means. Is she going to break up with Rocco now? Was last night a fluke because she was a little buzzed and it will never happen again? Why the f**k can’t vaginas come with instruction manuals?
“Siri, you are a worthless piece of shit,” Tyler complains.
“I could say the same about you.”
“You f**king whore! Take a note, Siri. Go f**k your mother.”
“This note has been recorded and added to your Notepad.”
“FUCK YOU!”
“I do not understand your request, but I could search the web for ‘fuck you.’”
“How about you search the web for why you’re such a cunt cake?”
“I don’t think you appreciate me anymore, Hot Lover Boy Big Penis Man Titty Tickler.”
“I’m sorry, Siri. I still love you.”
“Impossible.”
“PIPE THE FUCK DOWN AND TAKE A COMPLIMENT, YOU WHORE FACE BAG OF DICKS!”
Tyler tosses his cell in the center console and crosses his arms angrily in front of him.
“You seriously need a girlfriend. The relationship you have with Siri is disturbing,” I tell him as we pull into the hospital parking lot.
“She’s a bitch, but she’s the only woman who understands me. And anyway, do you know any single women who would call me Hot Lover Boy Big Penis Man Titty Tickler?” he questions.
“I don’t know any single women who could even just think that in their heads without throwing up in their mouths a little,” I reply as I find a parking spot.
“Exactly. So, anyway, I’m going to guess your mom never told your dad about the whole ‘shroom chocolate incident since I haven’t heard about any hits out on me.”
“You’re lucky my dad never found out. Your body would be buried in a ditch somewhere.”
“Aww, I think Carter would take it easy on me. That’s the best trip he’s ever had. You’re mom probably got laid in the hospital,” Tyler says with a frustrated groan. “I knew I should have stuck around longer. She probably would have thrown me a bone.”
“In what universe would my mother ever throw you a bone?”
“In Tylerverse. Where there are rivers of beer and na**d chicks servicing me all over the land,” Tyler replies.
“I’m going upstairs to take a nap. I still don’t feel all that great,” my dad tells us as we walk into my parents’ house an hour later.
“I could make you a snack if you’d like. Maybe some delicious chocolates?” Tyler shouts to his retreating back as my dad makes his way up the stairs. I shoot him a dirty look as the front door opens behind us and my mother walks in carrying an armload of paperwork.
“How’s your father?” she asks, handing me the paperwork so I can set it on the foyer table.
“He’s okay. He just went upstairs to lie down.”
Tyler walks up next to me and winks at my mom.
“Hello, Claire. You’re looking beautiful as always,” Tyler says with a cocky smile.
My mom, who normally looks like she wants to chop off Tyler’s balls and feed them to the nearest shark tank, gets a sudden gleam in her eye. This is not good.
“Hey there, hot stuff. How about you come over here and show Mama a little sugar,” my mom says with a sultry purr to her voice that I’ve never heard before. It makes me wince and gag a little.
“Um, I don’t … what?” Tyler squeaks.
My mom saunters over to Tyler with a sway of her h*ps and stops right in front of him, letting her tongue skim her bottom lip.
I’m going to puke. I’m totally going to puke all over the floor right now. What the f**k is she doing?
Mom presses her palm against Tyler’s chest and leans in close until her lips are grazing his ear. “You’re heart is beating so fast, big boy. Want Mama to make it all better?”
Tyler’s face immediately turns ten shades of red, and his eyes are so wide I’m surprised they haven’t popped out of his head. His fantasy has come to life and he’s realizing it’s really a nightmare.
“What’s wrong, Tyler-pooh? I thought this is what you wanted?”
Tyler shakes his head back and forth frantically, looking over at me in a panic. As disgusting as this is to witness right now, I’m pretty sure Tyler is going to be scared straight when it comes to my mother and his sexual comments.
Mom drapes her arm around Tyler’s shoulder and smiles at him. “Don’t be afraid. I’ll be gentle with you. I’ll make sure to use the small strap-on.”
She runs her finger down Tyler’s cheek, and I’m pretty sure if I look close enough I’ll see that he’s wet himself. I’m suddenly cured of my nausea and totally on board with whatever warped plan Mom has brewing in her head right now.