My answer left him wondering as he stared at me longer, still and frozen as we breathed simultaneously, caught in our own world of wonder.
“I came inside you—I forgot to ask, are you on the pill?”
His question not only took me off guard, it left me a little confused. I wasn’t sure if he was insinuating we continue our sexual fervors or if it was simply because he hadn’t meant for it to happen again and needed to tie loose ends, meaning me and what the consequences of that one hefty mistake could bring.
“I’m not. I stopped a few years ago.” I licked my lips as his gaze intensified before me, sparking passionate green. “We’ve been trying to get pregnant, and since I haven’t successfully conceived, I came to the conclusion that I’m barren, so if you’re worried about any consequences, you shouldn’t. Nothing will come out of it. I can guarantee you that.”
His gaze dropped low to my lips before he penetrated my soul once more, leaving me breathless. “How sure are you, Ava?” His tone was hard, harsh almost.
“Ninety-nine point nine percent. I’m that sure.” It was a shameful thing to admit that I lacked confidence in my body’s ability to do the very thing Mother Nature had set out for women to do. I supposed I would never really know, would I? Maybe it wasn’t in the stars for me. Sometimes people were made for other tasks, so maybe my calling hadn’t been written for me yet.
Thinking optimistically, I broke eye contact and brazenly touched his chest, applying enough pressure to put him at a good distance. “Now that we’re here,” I said, voice shaking as I gathered my bearings, gathered every atom in my body to bring me strength as I readied to pour my heart out, “I apologize for barging in here and interrupting your work day. You must understand the kind of shock I had after learning my father had played a role in hiding you from me. I was manic and didn’t eat for days after they couldn’t find your body among your friends’ remains. And, even though that was the case, they concluded that something must’ve happened to throw your body off somewhere upon or before impact, and they simply couldn’t find it. I should’ve known something wasn’t adding up, but since your parents weren’t saying anything, and with no one prodding for more answers, the case simply closed. I can’t even imagine how much money my father poured into making this go away just so I would stay away from you.”
I was ashamed of my parents, although most of all, I was embarrassed my mother had used her warped mind to twist my father into doing something so despicable. It wasn’t Reiss’s fault he had grown up impoverished. Besides, it hadn’t made him a bad person then.
“I can’t apologize enough for my parent’s involvement in this, but I want to tell you how much I regretted letting you go—” Breathe. I could go through this. I knew I could.
I couldn’t look at him, or I might falter and end up running away again, in fear that he’d laugh at my face. But I knew I should. I had to let this out, or I would be hounded by the ghost of him forever.
“I had no idea the depth and the capacity of that mistake until you vanished. I didn’t realize it then until later on, but even if I’m ten years too late, I feel that I must tell you, or I won’t ever move on from this guilt that’s been crushing me alive ever since I rumpled your world when I threw your love back in your face…
“Declining your proposal took everything in me. Little did I know then that I was actually in love with you, too. Thinking back, it is the only explanation I have for giving myself to you. I gave myself in a way I hadn’t to anyone else and not just in a physical sense. Nothing barred me; my mind consisted of you, and my heart had you in it.
“I was young and foolish, believing in things I had set out for myself, thinking the promise I shared with Ashton was true and meant to stay that way. Back then, I believed you were someone to have fun with. Falling in love with you wasn’t part of that plan, but I was proven wrong.” I took a deep breath, gathering more strength. “I’m sorry I’ve caused you so much pain, and I’m sure, even though you’re quite successful now, you’ve lost quite a lot along the way.”
“Self-respect…” I barely made out what he said.
Blinking at him, I frowned. “I beg your pardon?”
“Self-respect, that’s what I sacrificed,” he easily provided without emotion. “You’re confession is truly irrelevant. I couldn’t care less about what you felt then, and I couldn’t care less what you feel now.” He pierced me to the core, but he wasn’t done disarming me. “Your selfishness led to other peoples’ demise. Your cowardice back then and your bravery for telling me all these irrelevant details now might seem like it would change the world for you, but it won’t do a bloody thing to mine. You are nothing except a selfish brat! You don’t know what it’s like to be a hopeless pawn in someone else’s game or how it feels to be openly rejected by someone you claimed to love. You know nothing of the kind of hell I have been through!”
“Reiss—” I gulped in between pants. “I said I was sorry for everything.”
“I don’t want your petty sorry, Ava!” he roared, making me shiver. “I don’t want anything from you. I fucked you to prove a point, but don’t get it into your puny, little simpleton head that I want more than that. That one fuck was enough to sober my senses—that you’re nothing good other than in bed. You’re spoiled and selfish. No decent man would want anyone like you.”
He was vindictive, but I’d had no clue how far he’d go to eviscerate me until then—until he truly marred everything I treasured most.
I wasn’t sure how I got the nerve to still live and breathe after his hurl of insults, but I somehow managed to function. Silly didn’t cover how I felt at my heart-poured confessions about the past. Nothing mattered to him it seemed; therefore, I should take my spoiled and selfish self away from his disapproving, superior goodness.
“I guess there’s really nothing left to be said between us, is there?” I made a dry laugh, feeling more vulnerable than at any other time in my life. “Again, I apologize for interrupting your day. I’ll see myself out.” Straightening myself, I started to move away while he remained expressionless.
“I wish you all the best, Ava.”
See, that was the problem. Why couldn’t he just let me leave without adding more to my injury? He wished me all the best? What an asinine thing to say after what he had just hurled.