Denial could wreck a person. It obliterated any sense of reasoning, defeating your purpose and goals. It fed off your rejection, your bitterness and anger. It was emotionally cruel and the worst kind of mental torture to go through. Just like what had happened to Amelia, believing things that were made up from her obsession and fascination of the man she’d loved.
By accepting the bare truth, you adapted with it and lived the rest of your life trying to fill the void that sat heavily in your chest. You learned how to breathe again, one breath at a time.
You carried on with pride, believing that the greatest pain of all was to love and to be aware that the love was in vain.
Chapter 20
Toby
For the remainder of the morning, we gathered around in the sitting room. Blake worked away on his laptop. Sienna went through brochures and schedules, busy making calls for the PR firm she was interning with. Chad kept getting calls from Luke, seeming that there was a baby available for adoption and their coordinator was trying to get them an appointment.
They were a mad, chaotic bunch, but having them there meant the world to me. They somehow filled the silence and gloominess of the hospital. The sounds of the intercom, the ringing phones, people rushing past for a new patient that needed their help, the septic smell that permeated the air, the blandness of it all and the white walls—it all felt like too much. It bombarded me, slowly closing in on me before swallowing me whole. Having them there eased a little of the pain that was tearing my life apart.
Leaving them in their own world, I set to go into the adjacent NICU. I had been waiting for the results. It was ten past eleven and Dr. Letty hadn’t showed up yet.
Watching the baby with helplessness and fascination, I didn’t hear the doctor come in until she walked past me, saying, “Hello, Mr. Watson.”
“Hi. How did the tests go?” A patient man, I was not. Besides, I wanted to understand where we stood when it came to her chances and her health so I would know how to proceed from there.
Dr. Letty’s hands went into the deep pockets of her white coat before giving me the “stern doctor’s face”, the look they gave when they were about to tell you something important. “If you were waiting for me all morning, it’s because I was doing research. I was hoping there was an intricate way to approach it without risking her life. Señor, I’m so sorry to tell you that your baby’s vitals are dropping slowly. There’s a lot of factors to consider why this is happening; the impact on the accident possibly caused trauma or the premature labor itself—we don’t know.”
No. How could she after she promised that she was going to try? “How can you tell me that you don’t know? You’re a bloody doctor, are you not?” I yelled in her face, confused and angry from the downturn of the baby’s results.
She didn’t seem to be fazed about my outburst. Ever so calmly she addressed me, “It’s frustrating. I understand more than you realize, but babies born at twenty-one weeks, as I mentioned before, only have a tiny percentage in surviving. They live from two, three, maybe four days. The only thing we can give her is comfort. Make her hours as less stressful as she deteriorates.”
This was a nightmare.
Gripping the ends of my hair, I started to pace. “Is there a way that you can try to keep her alive?”
Her reaction was dismal. “Operating on her could be fatal.”
I let out a pained sound, not wanting to believe her. As much as I wanted the baby to survive, I couldn’t for the life of me make the baby go through surgery that might simply kill her in mere minutes.
“What should I do?” I begged in a pained whisper, hoping she could enlighten me.
“Pray for a miracle.”
+++
The rest of the day, I kept to myself, mostly checking on the baby whenever I could.
My friends were concerned and mourned with me. It was just so unfortunate that they had work and personal commitments before dropping by here for a day to give me support. They were busy folks, and for them to go out of their way to spend some time with me to make sure I was functioning, meant a great deal.
It was early in the evening when one of the nurses asked me if I wanted to hold her, and much to my naïve horror, I declined her offer even though she assured me that I wouldn’t hurt her. That was beside the point because she was hurting. Her vitals were steadily dropping and it wouldn’t be long until I was going to say my farewell. As of that moment, I wasn’t ready to part ways with her yet. Maybe when the time came, when I truly needed to make a decision—even just for a short while—I would be honored to hold her.
Sienna made sure to leave enough food for me on the nearby table and stocked the fridge with liquids before leaving. So here I was, browsing through news channels as I nibbled on a tuna sandwich when the door opened and in came Lucy.
“Hi. I just heard and I flew in straight away.” Her cheeks reddened as she mumbled her excuse. “I had exams, you see—” She let go of the door as she hesitantly stepped forward, halting mid-stride. “I feel quite terrible. I hope you didn’t think I’d abandon you in a time of need.”
She truly looked gutted and the inkling to bring her into my arms and smell her scent, so I could somehow forget about my troubles, almost made me beg… almost.
“No.” I shook my head, lying through my teeth. “Of course not. Thank you for coming, though you didn’t have to.” She hadn’t, but I had hoped she would. Seeing her now made things bearable.
She released a relieved sigh, softly walking towards the side of the room before taking a seat to my left. “How are you holding up?” Her teeth caught her bottom lip, as if she was nervous. “About the baby—I don’t know what to say. It’s just terrible. Such a grave situation.” It was. And if I had decided to open my thoughts about it, I wouldn’t be able to contain myself.
Needing to change the subject, I had to go for the usual redirecting questions. “Thank you. Can I get you anything? Sienna made sure the food was fully stocked. She even made sure there was dessert.”
Lucy cracked a smile—the smile that I loved to see. The kind where I felt my heart drop, skip a beat, and take my breath away. God, how I had missed her…
“Sienna and her sweet tooth. I haven’t had the chance to see them. As I said, it’s been quite hectic for me, school and the lot.” Her eyes lingered over my face, eyeing me with concern. “You look shattered. Have you had sleep at all?”