“September 23rd? You had on a black Max and Mia drawstring waist dress with nude, Valentino couture bow platform pumps,” I reply as I head out of the kitchen and towards the front door.
“October 15th?” she asks, following me outside towards my car.
“J Brand skinny stretch jeans, black Stuart Weitzman knee boots and a fitted, emerald green Donna Karan ¾ length t-shirt,” I rattle off easily as I unlock my doors.
Charlotte stands next to the passenger side door, staring over the top of the car at me in awe. “Jesus Christ, you’re like the Rain Man of fashion. Why the hell are you working at Seduction and Snacks? You should be taking over Nordstrom’s.”
I roll my eyes and laugh as we both get into the car.
“Believe me, if I could find a way to make money talking about clothes, shoes and purses, I would be all over that shit.”
As we head towards the mall, I try not to think about Tyler or how much I hate my job. Charlotte is going to set me up with a new guy and maybe my life will finally start looking up.
Dating world, here I come.
Chapter 4 – You are NOT the Father
“I’d like to thank the Academy for this illustrious award,” I speak into the mirror in my room, straightening my imaginary tie. “I’m humbled that so many of my peers thought I was deserving of the Dapper Dildo Award.”
Do they give out awards at Seduction and Snacks? Eh, if they don’t now, I’m sure they will after I’ve been in their employ for a few weeks.
I can’t contain my excitement as I think about the fact that I have a real job. A real, honest to God job that I can be proud of and brag to people about on the street. I mean, The Gap was a pretty good gig - all the sweater vests I could handle and plenty of hot pieces of ass hitting on me every day. They were all g*y dudes, but whatev. They appreciated a good thing when they saw it.
I’ve been trying to get my foot in the door at Seduction and Snacks ever since I found out Gavin’s family owned the business. I make sure to keep myself current on all things sex. I’ve committed to memory the name, cup size and favorite sexual position of every female p**n star of the last decade. I’m an expert on all things fetish, from sacofricosis and ederacinism to mucophilia and oculolinctus. I’ve even volunteered on more than one occasion to be a human guinea pig for new Seduction and Snacks products. I have the organic plaster they were tinkering with for penis molds to thank for the fact that I couldn’t grow hair on my balls for three months. A few months of shiny, smooth balls were well worth the third degree burns I sustained on my taint when I tried to use a hair dryer to remove the plaster, especially if sacrificing a few pubes led to Liz realizing my full potential.
Maybe now that I have a good job, Ava will stop being such a bitch and sleep with me again. Grabbing my cell phone off of my dresser, I decide to shoot her a text and deliver the good news.
Hey there, loose labia. Wanna carpool in to work tomorrow? I’ll let you give me a bl*w j*b in the parking lot.
Satisfied that my news will thaw a little of the ice in her veins, I toss my phone back on my dresser and head upstairs to look for a good copy of my birth certificate.
Yes, I live in the basement of my parents’ home. I get twenty-eight cable channels, access to all the p**n my dad still has on VHS and meatloaf every Thursday night. Seriously, why would I leave?
Opening the door at the top of the stairs that leads into the kitchen, I stop in my tracks when I see my dad sitting up on the counter with his feet in the sink and my mom standing next to him shaving his legs.
“Oh, hi, sweetie! Do you need the sink?” my mom asks, smiling brightly as she squirts some extra shaving cream on my dad’s shin.
Alright, maybe there’s at least one reason to move out and get my own place.
“Mom, seriously? I just ate lunch. Do you want me to puke all over the floor?” I ask disgustedly as I avoid looking directly at them.
“Tyler, studies have shown that a man and a woman who share simple, every day experiences like this will have a long and fruitful sex life,” my dad says, looking up from what my mom’s doing and pushing his glasses up higher on his face.
“I shaved your father’s balls for the first time when we were twenty-one and look at us now! We’re still going strong twenty-six years later and our love making is more passionate than ever,” my mom tells me with a smile.
Shaking my head at them, I keep my eyes averted as I head over to the built-in desk on the other side of the kitchen.
“I like the feel of smooth legs. I totally get why women have been doing this for centuries,” my dad adds.
Really, their behavior shouldn’t come as any surprise to me at this point. My parents, Donna and Nick Branson, are sex therapists. There was a time when I attributed my love of sex to their constant discussion of the topic, but now I worry all this “sharing” is going to one day seriously effect my ability to keep it up. Last week when I got home from work, I found them in the living room practicing their cl**ax yells. Fully clothed, sitting on the couch, legs crossed like they were attending church services, screaming each other’s names in different pitches to see which one sounded the best.
Ignoring my parents’ giggles on the other side of the room, I dig through the desk drawers, tossing papers aside as I go. I grow more and more frustrated as I open drawer after drawer, and my parents’ laughter gets more and more intimate. I know if I don’t find what I’m looking for and get the f**k out of here, vegetables from the fridge will soon be added to the mix - and they won’t be used for tonight’s salad.
Where the f**k is it? I swear there was a copy in here.
“Sweetie, what are you looking for?”
Glancing up from the mess I’ve made on the top of the desk, I sigh, slamming the drawer closed. “I need something for my new job.”
“Oh, no! Did you get fired from The Gap? Were you trying on all the clothes na**d again? I told you they were going to be angry about that.”
Geez, you have one runway show after hours and everyone loses their shit.
It’s not my fault I didn’t realize they had security cameras in the storage room. And really, they should have used that footage for a commercial. I worked the SHIT out of those boxer briefs and scarves.
“No, this time it wasn’t my fault. They claim my birth certificate is a fake. Can you believe that? As if,” I complain with a roll of my eyes. “I got hired at Seduction and Snacks. I start tomorrow and need to take a non-fake copy in.”
My mom and dad look at each other nervously, sharing some silent communication shit before my dad hefts himself out of the sink.
“I think it’s time, Donna,” my dad tells her, grabbing a towel from the counter and wiping the shaving cream off of his legs.
“You’re right. It’s time for me to make dinner. Who wants meatloaf?” she asks with fake enthusiasm.
My dad grabs her arm before she can make it to the fridge, turning her to face him. I watch in confusion as he whispers a few words to her before they both turn to face me.
“Tyler, I think you should sit down,” my dad begins.
“Dude, this isn’t the end of the world,” Gavin tells me as I continue splashing cold water on my face in his bathroom.
I showed up at his and Charlotte’s apartment twenty minutes ago and have been in the bathroom the entire time trying to calm the f**k down.
“Not the end of the world? NOT THE END OF THE WORLD? I don’t know who I am! I don’t know where I came from. I’VE LOST MY IDENTITY!” I scream, shutting off the water and reaching blindly for a towel.
My hand brushes up against one and I quickly bring it to my face, wiping off the water that drips down my lips and chin.
“Oh shit, I wouldn’t use that towel if I were you,” Gavin mumbles.
I ignore him, scrubbing every inch of my face, hoping that maybe I can rub away the memory of the words my mother spoke to me.
“Tyler, your father isn’t really your father. I, um… I don’t actually know who your real dad is,” my mom admitted. “I really wanted a baby and I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time, so I went to a sperm bank. Also, when I say I wasn’t seeing anyone, I mean I wasn’t serious with anyone. I was still having lots of sex.”
“Son, what your mother is trying to say is that she was sexually adventurous in her twenties,” my dad added with a smile.
“If we’re going to be honest with him, we might as well do it right,” my mom cut in. “Tyler, I was a slut. Like, a really big one. I was young, though, and that’s what you’re supposed to do – sow your wild oats. I also went through a short lesbian phase, but that’s beside the point.”
I sank down into one of the chairs at the kitchen tabled and stared at them. “How in the hell did this happen?”
“Well, I picked out the sperm I wanted and then the doctor had me get on the table with my feet in the stirrups. Then he took a thing that looked like a turkey baster and shoved it up my-”
“NO! JESUS CHRIST, NO! Not that part! How the hell don’t you know who my father is if you used a sperm bank? Don’t they keep a record of that shit?” I asked in confusion.
“Well, normally that would be helpful, but I also had a foursome that same week. I’m pretty sure one of them was a woman I met in the food court of the mall, but the other two guys – no clue. I always made my partners bag it up, but something must have leaked because I found a little jizz in my-”
“MOM!” I screamed at her, shaking my head in disgust.
“Sorry, sweetie. Since sperm can live in a woman’s va**na for up to five days, I can’t be certain if it was donor sperm or…” my mom trailed off before glancing over at my dad with love in her eyes.
“Anyway, I met your father when you were a couple of months old and he adopted you. Sort of. We actually never filed the paperwork, but we made a very convincing copy of a birth certificate for you in Photoshop.”
My dad walks over to me and pats me on the back. “I think the best thing for us to do right now would be to sit down and talk about what we’re feeling. I’ll start. I’m feeling relieved that this is all finally out in the open.”
“I’m feeling like I want to puke all over this f**king floor!” I shouted.
My mom walked over to me and put her arm around my shoulder. “That’s it. Let it all out, sweetie.”
“Seriously dude, give me that thing,” Gavin says, interrupting my thoughts.
I pull the towel away and glare at his reflection in the mirror. He’s standing behind me with a look of disgust on his face and his hand out.
“What the f**k is wrong with you? I just found out that my mom was a slut and has no idea who my dad is and all you’re worried about is your precious towel?” I ramble, my voice getting that hysterical squeak to it. “What’s wrong? Is this one of Charlotte’s ‘good’ towels, reserved for guests or some shit? Fuck, are you pu**y whipped.”
Gavin shakes his head at me and tries reaching over my shoulder to take the towel. I snatch it away and turn to face him.
“What is your f**king deal? It’s a Goddamn towel!” I yell.
“Yeah, it’s a jizz towel, dude.”
I look at him in confusion, glancing down at the towel and back up at him when what he said finally sinks in. He’s biting his lip and I can’t tell if he’s trying not to laugh or if he’s trying to think of a way to run out of here as fast as he can.
“Hey, what are you guys doing in the bathroom?” Charlotte asks, suddenly appearing in the doorway. “Oh, my God! Did you just use that towel, Tyler?”
I quickly throw the towel away from me like it’s on fire and it lands in the toilet.
“Dammit, don’t throw it in the toilet, you’ll ruin it!” Charlotte scolds.
“I’m pretty sure you ruined it by putting jizz on it!” I scream. “Why the f**k would you leave a jizz towel on the sink where anyone could use it?”
Charlotte shoulders past us and uses the tips of her fingers to pull the towel out of the toilet and then tosses it into the sink.
“I’d never use it. I knew it was a jizz towel,” Gavin replies with a shrug.
“Oh, my God! I scrubbed my f**king face with a towel that had your dry, crusty jizz on it!”
I can’t believe this is happening right now. My mom had a foursome, my dad isn’t my dad and now I have jizz face. Moving as fast as I can, I jump into the shower and turn on the water, not even caring that I’m fully clothed.
“Do you want us to leave so you can take your clothes off?” Charlotte asks, as the water rains down on me, soaking my t-shirt and jeans.
“I am NOT taking my clothes off. There could be trace particles of jizz on them! I’m going to have to burn these clothes!” I complain.
I keep my face under the scalding hot water, taking in large mouthfuls, swishing and then spitting on the shower floor.
“Eeeew, don’t spit in our shower!” Charlotte scolds.
“I HAVE GAVIN’S JIZZ ON MY FACE! I WILL SPIT WHEREVER THE FUCK I WANT!”
Gavin grabs Charlotte’s arm and pulls her towards the door. “How about we just give you a few minutes alone? We’ll be out in the living room. There are clean towels under the sink.”
I give him a dirty look when he mentions towels.
“Any and all jizz that was previously on those towels has been washed off, I swear,” Gavin adds before exiting the room and closing the door behind him.
With a sigh, I stand under the water until it starts to get cold.
Chapter 5 – Dick Nipples