“Come here, Baby.” Nico tries to pull me to him, but I won’t allow it. I need to get it all out.
For the first time since I started speaking, I look up at Nico. His eyes are pained and filled with unshed tears of his own as he watches me cry and listens to my story. I take one more deep breath and look into his eyes when I speak, my words coming out quiet, but their meaning unmistakably clear. “I killed him. I knew where his gun was hidden and I shot him.” Nico’s eyes widen, he wasn’t expecting what I told him. “That’s why I know.” My voice is barely a whisper. “I know what you feel like.”
***
I cry until there are no more tears left. I don’t know how much time passes, but Nico holds me tight until my body is wrenched of every last sob and tear. And I let him. For the first time in my life, I let someone else hold it, even if it’s just for a little while. He holds the pain and the guilt and the burden, all of it. And with the weight lifted from me, I fall asleep. Sound asleep.
Chapter 41
Nico
Elle shifts in her sleep and I tighten my grip. She hasn’t budged in hours, not since she fell asleep in my arms. I eased my back down onto the couch and laid her out on top of me while I held her. My arms are numb from holding her so tight, but there is no way I’m letting go. Not ever.
I thought I understood what it meant to feel pain, but I had no god damn clue until I saw her face. Seeing her pain made anything I’ve went through pale in comparison. Worse than a blow to the chest, the pain is physical and emotional. The urge to hit something is almost unbearable. How could any human being do that to a woman, no less in front of a little girl? Forcing a twelve-year-old to defend her own mother at the cost of taking her own father’s life. No, not her father’s life. She took the life of a monster, who deserved it. I only wish it was me. Wish I could take it all away and let it be me who went through it, not Elle.
She looks so peaceful when she sleeps. I’m pissed off at myself for not being there for her when it happened. Deep down I know it’s irrational to hate myself for not protecting her when I hadn’t even met her yet…but it doesn’t make the feeling go away just because common sense tells me it’s impossible.
When I froze in the cage and beat myself up over it, this little angel reaches out to help me, knowing that it will only bring bad shit to the surface again for her. And what do I do when she puts herself out there for me? I basically turn my back on her. I’m so f**king self-centered…so worried about myself that I make her retreat. It must have taken everything she had to reach out and try to help me with what she bears herself. I’m a total ass**le.
Chapter 42
Elle
I’m confused when I wake up. I don’t even remember falling asleep. But I’m lying on top of Nico and he’s holding me so tight that for a minute I forget what happened last night. I told him. And now he’ll never look at me the same. Even my therapist and friends I met in group change when they hear my story. Everyone except Regina. She understands me because she has her own cross to bear. Some look at me with pity, others think I’m a monster…that there is no justification for taking another life. I know what they think.
I have no idea what time it is, but the sun isn’t peaking in through the window yet, so it must not be morning. I try to close my eyes and force myself back to sleep, but my bladder has other plans for us. I attempt to gently slip out of Nico’s arms as he sleeps, but his arms tighten around me and pull me back into place.
“Where do you think you’re going?” His voice takes me by surprise, I thought he was sleeping.
“I have to go to the bathroom.” I respond to his chest, I’m not ready to see his beautiful green eyes. The ones that used to look at me like I was special, like he wanted to devour me.
Nico’s grip loosens and I quietly get up without another word and make my way to the bathroom. I’m horrified when I look in the mirror. My face is all puffy, blotchy, and red and there are black streaks of makeup dried on both cheeks. My hair is a tangled mess on one side and the other side looks as if it was glued to my face. Wonderful.
I wash up and do my best to look presentable, but there’s not much to help a swollen face except time…and maybe some ice. I make my way back to the couch in the dark where I expect to find Nico, but he isn’t there. For a second I panic and think he’s already left me, but then I hear him walking behind me.
“Bath or bed? I feel like I’m gonna break that little girly couch you have every time I move an inch.” He wraps his arms around my waist from behind as he speaks and it takes me a minute to realize what he’s asking.
“Bed.”
I’m thankful that we manage to make it to the bedroom without turning on any lights, I’m not ready to see his eyes. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready, but I’m being selfish and just want to pretend nothing’s changed a little while longer. Nico waits until after I’m in bed before climbing in and then he climbs in next to me. Lying on his side, he wraps his arm around my waist as I lie on my back and he pulls me so I’m lying next to him. His big hand reaches up and pushes the hair that’s already fallen out of the hair tie I had just secured out of my face. He rubs his thumb up and down the side of my cheek and my eyes close, relaxing at his touch, so gentle and soothing.
“You okay?”
I think before I speak. “Not really.”
I can’t really see his face, but I feel him nod once, accepting my response.
A long moment of silence passes before Nico speaks again. “What are you most afraid of right now?”
I know the answer right away, but I think about how to respond to the question anyway. I don’t try to catch the few tears that roll down my face, hoping he won’t notice in the dark. But Nico’s thumb catches my tears.
I still haven’t summoned the courage to answer his question, when he speaks again. “I’m afraid I’m not good enough for you. That I’ll drag you down into the hell that I belong in with me.”
The few tears that had escaped become the eye of the storm and suddenly the torrential downpour hits and I can’t stop them. But I force myself to answer through them. “I’m afraid to see the way that you’ll look at me…now that you know who I really am.”
Nico pulls me to him and wraps me tightly in his arms. I cry…really cry, feeling years of pent-up tears flow from my body. It’s exhausting and strangely freeing at the same time. He doesn’t loosen his grip on me until I have nothing left.