“Until you did,” I add.
“Exactly. And I felt like I had to keep up the pretense, you know? I was scared, Gabe. Scared you’d leave me once you found out the truth,” she admits softly. “Especially now, with everything that’s happening.”
I run both hands over my head, gripping my hair so hard I pull on it, making myself wince. Fucking hurts. All of this fucking hurts. Is she lying about the possible pregnancy too? Is this all one big trick and I’m just being played?
I never asked for this. I didn’t want a serious relationship this year. Hell, this is my last year of freedom and instead I get myself involved with a girl who’s nothing but shackles and chains. “I don’t know if I can handle this.”
She frowns. “Handle what?”
“All of it. The lies. The truth. The fact you might be pregnant with my baby. Or maybe you’re not. I don’t know. I can’t trust you to tell me the truth.” I drop my hands and stare at her. “I’m not ready for any this.”
Her expression freezes, eyes filled with shock and horror. “I-I understand. You have every right to hate me.”
Her words make me feel like shit. I don’t hate her. I could never hate her but…damn it, she lied to me. She betrayed me and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over it. Don’t know if I’ll be able to get over Tristan’s betrayal either.
Talk about a fucked up night.
How can I trust them? Tristan and I have been through ups and downs over the years so I figure we’ll work it out somehow. But how will I ever be able to trust Lucy again? For all I know this pregnancy talk is a bunch of bullshit.
“I should probably go,” she finally says in the lightest whisper, her head hanging down.
“That’s probably best.” I stare at her bent head, my lips aching with the need to kiss hers. But I gotta stay strong and resist the urge. “Can I—can I call you?”
Why did I have to go and say that? Shit.
She slowly shakes her head, the tears falling freely now. So freely they’re dripping off her cheeks and onto the ground. Seeing them fall breaks my already aching heart. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
And with those final words, she’s gone. Out of my life.
Like she never even existed.
“Are you skipping your marketing class again? You’re going to flunk out,” Gina calls from the doorway of my bedroom.
Gee, thanks for reminding me, Gina. I had no clue that could happen. I want to yell at my roommate but I restrain myself. Why make this worse? She’s been nothing but supportive since the night I came home a few days ago, crying so hard my stomach hurt, my face hurt…my entire body hurt. She comforted me, put me to bed and told me I’ll feel better in the morning.
I didn’t feel much better. I still don’t. I miss Gabe so badly my body aches.
“I can’t face him,” I say into my pillow, my voice muffled. “I’m going to try and withdraw. It’s too late to pull out completely but a W on my records is better than an F.”
“So true, I guess.” Gina sighs. “Then you should come with me.”
I lift my head off the pillow to look at her. “Where are you going?”
“Shopping.” Her face brightens, like she thinks she’s got me. “I need to go to the mall.”
I groan and drop my head onto the pillow once more. “That’s the last thing I want to do.”
She walks into my room, I can hear her footsteps on the carpet, feel the dip of the mattress as she sits on the edge of my bed. “I’m worried about you, Lucy. You’re not acting right.”
I just had my heart broken. It’s kind of hard to act normal when you’re insides are shredded into tiny little pieces and you’re fairly certain you’ll never be the same ever again. “I’m fine. I’ll get over it. Get over him.”
My words are total lies. I’m not fine, not even close. How can I get over him when I will have a constant reminder of his existence in approximately eight months?
Well, that’s not totally confirmed but I still haven’t started my period, which is just ridiculous. I have to be pregnant. I haven’t bought a pregnancy test because I almost don’t want it confirmed, which is stupid but I’m living in the land of denial and it’s kind of a nice place to be.
I’m just…scared of reality. I don’t know how I’m going to survive all of this but I’ll figure it out. I have to. I don’t have a choice. I guess I can drop out of school, get a job to support the both of us and pray like crazy that Mama won’t disown me.
Talk about history repeating itself. At least I’m a little older. But wiser? Yeah, I’m not so sure about that.
“Maybe you should see a counselor. Talk to someone about your problems,” Gina suggests.
I lift my head to look back at her. “No way.”
“Why not? It’ll make you feel better to get everything off your chest. They don’t judge. They give objective advice. And right about now, I’m thinking you need some objective advice from someone.” I confessed all to Gina so she knows what’s going on. And luckily enough she never said anything mean to make me feel bad.
More than anything, I think she feels sorry for me, which means I’m a total loser.
“I can’t afford counseling,” I say, lying my head back down on the pillow. It’s damp from my tears. That sounds like the title for a country song. I’m sure I could write a pretty good one right about now.