I don’t want to argue with her. “Marna—”
“That’s pants!” she shouts. “What’s the problem?”
I turn to face her. “She can’t tie herself to a bloke like me and expect to come out of it white as snow. It won’t work!”
Marna’s eyes soften as if she’s finally getting it. But then she says, “She loves you. And you love her. You’re not going to soil her soul, babe.”
What if I do? “My past has to be taken into account.”
“Your past is in the past,” Anna says. “And it’s not going to . . . rub off on me or something. You know it doesn’t work like that.”
Do I? Because I’ve always had the Midas touch, only the things I touch don’t turn to gold. They turn to ruin and brokenness and depression. It’s one thing to dream of being with Anna, but to actually take that chance is too much. I feel the eyes of the room on me and realize I’m alone in my way of thinking.
In the next moment, Belial is in my face, his horned head large and fierce.
“Don’t play games with me, boy. Do you love her or not?” he hisses.
One glance at the others in the room and their wonder makes it clear I’m the only one hearing this conversation.
“Yes, I love her.” I press this thought at him silently.
“Then what is your fear?”
I swallow. “That once she’s been with me, she’ll not be able to use the sword. Because of who I am, because of what I’ve done.”
“You have to let go of that fear. Let go of your past, and focus on your love. You are changed, and it’s time to embrace your future. You’re not that same self-serving boy I drove away from my daughter. Marry her and buy yourselves time to fulfill this prophecy. Otherwise Pharzuph will find her and learn the truth. This is what will keep her safe. Do you understand?”
He sounds so certain, but it feels impossible. A wedding? Anna deserves the whole nine yards, but that can’t happen.
“With all respect, Duke Belial, we don’t have time for a wedding.”
“Leave the details to me.”
“But—”
“If you love her,” his voice rumbles in my ear, “you will marry her. End of discussion.”
Everyone’s eyes are still on me, suffocating me. “I need some time to myself,” I mutter. I need air.
I turn and make a beeline for the back door, flinging it open and letting the sea breeze blast me with its warmth. I stand on the edge of Blake’s deck, staring out at the magnitude of the Pacific Ocean, and allow myself to feel small.
Marry Anna.
Perhaps that is what Belial had in mind all along. For someone, hopefully Kope, to secretly marry Anna and keep her safe from my father. But Anna and Kope didn’t fall in love, did they? No, it was me.
All my life I’ve been selfish. I don’t trust the instinct inside me, shouting, Yes, make her yours and finally be with her! What if I only want this for selfish reasons? I press my thumbs into my eyes and think of Anna up there on the stage at the summit in New York so long ago. I remember the fear when I was so certain Duke Rahab would kill her. My only thought was that my knife would be through his head before his finger could reach the trigger.
I am capable of selflessness.
I close my eyes. Time to sort out the facts.
I’m the only man who Anna loves. And I’m the only man who loves her. Therefore, only I can do this for her. The fact that it will fill me with immeasurable joy does not make me selfish. It makes me a living, breathing man with something worth living for.
I’m tired of being ruled by fear.
I fill my chest with fresh air and turn to go back inside and face my future. Anna meets me at the door, and the sight of her is exhilarating. I take her hand and she twines her fingers between mine. I lead her down to Blake’s theater room, my favorite place in this mansion.
We sit in the red velvet chairs and I turn to face her, still holding her hand. I’m nearly bursting with all I want to say. But Anna opens her mouth first.
“Look, I don’t know what my dad said to you, but don’t let him pressure you. You don’t have to do this. I’ll find a way to hide from Pharzuph.”
Before I address what her father said to me, I need to make something clear. “You can’t hide from him forever, Anna.”
“Yes, but I don’t want that to be our sole reason for getting married.”
I look down at our joined hands. Fear may have prompted this decision, but is it the driving factor behind it? Would Belial give his blessing if we weren’t in peril? Would I care?
“I’m telling him no,” she says.
My eyes snap to her. I’m doused with loss. She tries to stand, but I grip her hands. “You don’t want to get married?” Is she having doubts?
“Of course I want to, but you have to want it, too. And it has to be for the right reasons.”
“I’d do anything for you—to keep you safe,” I try to explain. “When I think of what those sons of Thamuz could’ve done—”
“Wrong reason,” Anna whispers. “We can’t do this.”
She tries again to pull away, and I want to curse myself. I’m not explaining myself well. I’m better at talking in facts than feelings.
“Anna—”
“Let me go, Kai.” Shite, now she’s upset. I’m mucking it up.
“No, please,” I beg. “God, I’m just not good at this, luv. Any of it. I know this is something you’ve always wanted.”