Lifting the small copper circle into his large palm, he stared at it for a moment before a ghost of a smile appeared, fading as quickly as it had arrived.
He sighed in defeat, but the fight had just begun.
“I thought maybe …”
“What?”
“Someone else was here.”
“What?” I shrieked. The only thing in the apartment that wasn’t exactly the same when he’d left was me. I couldn’t fathom why he’d even think such a thing. The dress he’d slipped off me hours before was still hanging halfway off the wooden coffee table, my bra was still in a small, lacy heap in the bedroom doorway, and my panties were still tangled somewhere in the sheets.
Josh huffed, trying to reign in his temper. “You answered the door with the chain locked and then left me standing in the hallway like I’m some stranger you don’t want in your apartment … You’re acting all nervous and weird! What the hell was I supposed to think?” His voice rose as his frustration increased with each word.
“That I had someone in here the morning after we … Are you serious?” My stomach turned. Someone had to have done this to him before. He was heavily guarded, and I had only scratched the surface of his armor. His eyes widened, as if he knew I’d seen too much.
“Whoa,” he said, holding the coffees out in front of him. “Let’s start over.”
I crossed my arms across my middle.
“What’s going on with you, Avery? Why are you acting so strange? Is it because of last night? Is it too weird now? Are you not sure? About … me?”
“Stop. You’re overreacting,” I said, holding up my hands, palms out.
He looked at his watch and then sighed, a deep growl resonating from his chest. “I have to go. Please tell me what’s wrong. I’m gonna go nuts all day worrying about it.”
“Why?” I dropped my hands and groaned, exasperated.
He wrinkled his nose. “Huh?”
“Why would you worry about it?”
His face twisted, as if I had begun speaking a foreign language. “Avery, what the hell?”
“You’re so different.”
“So are you,” he spat back. “You were fine last night. Now that we’ve … you’re trying to bail.”
“I’m not trying to bail. But you … I’ve dated people. You don’t, you—”
“When?” he asked, his tone accusatory.
I frowned, insulted. “I’ve lived a long time before you came around, Josh Avery. You’re not my first relationship, if that’s what this even is.”
“If that’s what this is? What else would this be, Avery?”
“Well, the arrogance certainly hasn’t changed.”
He walked away with his fingers interlocked on top of his head. He let his hands fall to his thighs and then turned to face me. “You might have had boyfriends before me, but you haven’t been this way with anyone else. I know it. You know it. Stop bullshitting me. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“No one changes overnight, Josh. No one is one way their whole life and then changes for one person.”
Disappointment darkened his face. “I haven’t played games. I’ve put it all on the table, and now you’re … What are you doing, Avery? Is this the part where you try to push me away?”
“No,” I said, tears burning my eyes. Pressure continued to build inside my chest. “Think about it. Why is this so easy for you? Why is this so different with me than with anyone else? You act so different around me. What do expect me to believe? You’ve had an epiphany?”
“Yes, a fucking epiphany! Tell me!” he yelled.
I swallowed, afraid if I said it out loud, the dream would be over. “Did this happen because of the accident? Because you saw me get hurt?”
“Yes,” he said without hesitation.
Like a knee-jerk reaction, I sucked in a gasp, his confession feeling worse than the collision that had catapulted our relationship.
“Avery,” he said, setting the cups on the coffee table. “If they’re lucky, assholes like me have a moment where they wake up. Holding you after the accident … that was mine. It’s not because I feel sorry for you or I have some sort of God complex.” He took a breath, trying to calm down. “I’ve been begging you for dates and I’m standing at your door with coffee because I’m different. I’m different because I want to be the man you think you see.”
“You’re not an asshole,” I murmured.
“I was. We can agree this is a good change. I should have made a move a long time ago, Avery. I’ve wasted too much time already. Nearly losing you before I had you made me see that.”
I chewed my lip, waiting for him to come to a different conclusion. It was all too real, too soon, and it terrified me that I was giving my heart to someone who knew how to break it.
“Avery … baby …” He looked at his watch, and what he saw made his jaw dance under his skin. “I have to leave for work.”
I nodded. “It’s okay. Really. I’m sorry I brought this up now.”
“Tell me you’re okay. Tell me we’re okay.”
I nodded again, and he walked over to me. He pulled me into his chest and I breathed him in, already feeling better. This wasn’t a game or a challenge or post-traumatic stress. He cared about me. I just needed to believe I was worth caring about.
He kissed my temple. “Wait for me. I’ll be back later. We’ll talk more.”