All night, I talked to other people. I didn’t look in his direction, but I always knew where he was. I was painfully aware of him. When he was nearby, my body hummed.
When he was away, there was this dull ache. With him near, I felt everything.
He was sitting next to Anika, and he said something that made her laugh. I could feel my heart pinch. I looked away.
Tom stood up and made a toast. “To Belly and J-Fish, a really”—he belched—“amazing couple. Really freaking amazing.”
I saw Anika give Taylor a look, like you think this guy is cute? Taylor shrugged back at her. Everyone lifted their beer cans and wine glasses, and we clinked. Jeremiah pulled me to him and kissed me on the lips, in front of everyone. I pulled away, feeling embarrassed. I saw the look on Conrad’s face and wished I hadn’t.
Then Steven said, “One more toast, guys.” Awkwardly, he stood up. “I’ve known Jere my whole life. Belly too, unfortunately.”
I threw my napkin at him.
“You guys are good together,” Steven said, looking at me. Then he looked at Jeremiah. “Treat her right, man.
She’s a pain in the ass, but she’s the only sister I’ve got.”
I could feel myself tear up. I got up and hugged him.
“You jerk,” I said, wiping my eyes.
As I sat back down next to Jere, he said, “I guess I should say something too. First, thanks for coming, you guys. Josh, Redbird. Taylor and Anika. It means a lot to have you here with us.” Jere nudged me, and I stared up at him, waiting for him to mention Conrad. I gave him a pointed look, but he didn’t seem to get it. He said, “You say something too, Belly.”
“Thanks for coming,” I echoed. “And, Conrad, thanks for this amazing meal. Really freaking amazing.”
Everyone laughed.
After dinner, I went up to Jeremiah’s room and watched him while he got ready to go out with the boys.
The girls were staying behind. I’d told Taylor she could go and get her flirt on with Redbird, but she said she’d rather stay. “He ate his steak with his hands,” she’d said, looking sick.
Jere was putting on deodorant, and I was sitting on his unmade bed. “You sure you don’t want to come with us?” he asked.
“I’m sure.” Suddenly, I said, “Hey, remember that time when you found that dog on the beach? And we named her Rosie until we realized she was a boy, and then we still kept calling her Rosie anyway?”
He looked at me, frowning slightly, remembering. “It wasn’t me who found her, it was Conrad.”
“No, it wasn’t. It was you. And you cried when her owners came and got her.”
“No, that was Conrad.” His voice was hard all of a sudden.
“I don’t think so,” I said.
“It definitely was.”
“Are you sure?” I asked him.
“I’m positive. Steve and I gave him so much shit for crying.”
Had it really been Conrad? I’d been so sure of that memory.
We had Rosie for three glorious days before someone claimed her. Rosie was sweet. She was yellow and she had soft fur and we fought over whose bed she would sleep in at night. We decided to take turns, and my turn was last, so I never got to keep her in my bed.
What else had I remembered wrong? I was a person who loved to play Remember When in my head. I’d always prided myself on how I remembered every detail.
It scared me to think that my memories could be just ever-so-slightly wrong.
Chapter Forty-four
After the boys left, we went up to my room to do nails and practice makeup for the wedding. “I still think you should get your makeup done,” Taylor said from my bed.
She was doing her toes a pale, chalky pink.
“I don’t want to spend any more of Mr. Fisher’s money. He’s spending enough as it is,” I said. “Besides, I hate wearing a lot of makeup. I never look like me.”
“They’re professionals—they know what they’re doing.”
“That time you took me to the MAC counter, they made me look like a drag queen,” I said.
“That’s their aesthetic,” Taylor said. “At least let me put false eyelashes on you. I’m wearing them. So is Anika.”
I looked at Anika, who was lying on the floor with a cucumber face mask on. “Your eyelashes are already long,” I said.
“She’s making me,” Anika said through gritted teeth, trying not to crack her mask.
“Well, I’m not wearing them,” I said. “Jere knows what my real eyelashes look like, and he doesn’t care. Besides, they make my eyes itch. Remember, Tay? You put them on me for Halloween, and I took them off as soon as you had your back turned.”
“A waste of fifteen dollars,” Taylor sniffed. She slid off the bed and sat next to me on the floor. I was trying on the different lipsticks Taylor had brought with her. So far it was between a rosy pink lip gloss and an apricot lipstick.
“Which do you like better?” I asked her. I had the gloss on my top lip and the lipstick on my bottom lip.
“The lipstick,” Taylor said. “It’ll pop better in pictures.”
At first we were just going to have Josh take pictures—
he’d taken a couple of photography classes at Finch, and he was the official frat photographer for all their parties. But now that Mr. Fisher and Denise Coletti were involved, we’d hired an actual photographer, someone Denise knew.
“I might still get my hair done,” Taylor said.
“Go for it,” I told her.
We all changed into our pajamas, and Taylor and Anika presented me with a wedding gift—a lacy white babydoll nightie with matching panties.
“For the wedding night,” Taylor said meaningfully.
“Uh, yeah, I got that,” I said, holding up the underwear. I hoped I wasn’t blushing too red. “Thanks, guys.”
“Do you have any questions for us?” Taylor asked, perching on my bed.
“Taylor! I, like, live in the world. I’m not an idiot.”
“I’m just saying …” She paused. “You probably won’t like it that much the first couple of times. I mean, I’m super tiny, which means I’m really little down there, so it hurt a lot. It might not hurt as bad for you. Tell her, Anika.”
Anika rolled her eyes. “It didn’t hurt me at all, Iz.”
“Well, you probably have a large vagina,” Taylor said.
Anika thumped Taylor on the head with a pillow, and we all started giggling and couldn’t stop. Then I said,