I realize the moment my lips touch hers that the day she came running up to the pool house to save my ass with her legs trembling, but her voice confident, something changed inside me. I have no idea what it is, but I know I want her, so f**king bad and I’ve never wanted anyone. Not like this. Want equals dependency and that is not what I’m looking for in my f**ked up life.
I feel my way down her body, sucking her tongue into my mouth, and she lets out the sexiest moan I’ve ever heard as she traces her fingers down the sides of my neck and grips at the fabric of my collar. I move my mouth away from hers, but only to trail soft kisses from the corner of her mouth, down her jawline, to the arch of her neck. My dick is pressed up against her and her warmth is radiating through my jeans. It feels so f**king good.
“Oh my God…” She lets out a plea combined with a moan as my hand glides up to her breast and grips it. Her small body trembles in my arms and I swear I’m going to lose it right then and there. I’ve never felt like this before, with anyone. It’s against the rules of surviving.
“Callie,” Seth’s voice drifts up from somewhere. “We gotta go!”
I’m not ready to let go of her yet and allow the world to catch up with me. I clutch at her waist, wishing we could just stay up here, in the quiet. My head is tipped down as I breathe heavily against her neck with her chest heaving in my face as she tries to regain her breathing.
“Kayden.” Her voice is soft, cautious, like she senses something’s wrong. “I think we need to go back down.”
Nodding, I inhale through my nose, and elevate my face away from her chest. I lower her legs to the ground and we head back across the bridge without talking to each other. When we reach the bottom and duck out of the curtain, Seth and Luke are waiting with a couple of guys in ratty t-shirts and torn jeans.
“You can’t be up there.” The tallest one says, spitting something nasty onto the ground.
“We were just leaving,” I mutter as I shove by them and march for the parking lot, taking strides that are as long as possible, wanting to leave it all behind.
By the time I reach the truck, the night crashes into my chest; the flirting, the games, the way she felt when I touched her, and how she reacted. I feel everything and I need to get it out of me.
Chapter 9
#43 Face Your Fears Head On and Tell Them to Fuck Off
Callie
I drive home with Seth from the carnival. Kayden looks like he’s going to be sick, so I don’t ask too many questions when he says he needs to ride back with Luke and call it a night.
When we get to my door, the red scarf is on the knob again and I frown. Seth and I don’t say anything as we walk across the campus yard in the chilled air and go into his empty room. He sinks down on his bed and starts to unlace his boots as I slip off my sneakers.
I stand there in the middle of the room, recollecting every detail that happened. The way Kayden’s hands touched me, the feel of his lips, how it felt so incredibly good.
“Do you want to share what that weird look on your face is about?” Seth kicks his boots into the corner and lies down on his bed with his hands tucked behind his head.
I lie down next to him and rest my cheek on the pillow. “You really want to know?”
He glances at me from the corner of his eyes. “Heck yeah. You look like you’re high.” He pauses, propping up on his elbow as he pivots to his side. “Wait a minute. Is that what you were doing up there? Were you getting high?”
I swat his arm. “No… we were… kissing.”
He laughs at me. “You say that like it’s so wrong.”
I shrug, picking at my fingernails. “It feels like it should be wrong… the last time someone kissed me that’s how it felt.”
He shakes his head and sighs. “That’s because the last time it was wrong, but not this time. This time it was right and both of you wanted it. Right?”
I nod slowly, trying to hold back a smile, but it sneaks through. “It was a really nice kiss.”
He springs up on his knees and puts his hands on top of his legs. “Okay, tell me how it went. What were you doing? And how did it happen?”
I sit up and lean against the wooden headboard. “He said that whole challenge thing was a set up to get me up there.”
Seth rolls his brown eyes. “Well, duh. I got that they were up to something.”
“Really?” I feel stupid. “I thought they were just being guys.”
“Oh they were,” he assures me. “Relax, it was all for fun and he got to kiss you just like he was trying to do the whole night.”
I pull the pillow onto my lap, reliving it over and over again in my mind. “Yeah, but did Kayden seem a little offish when we left?”
Seth shrugs. “He seemed tired, but not offish.”
I yank the elastic out of my hair, gather the strands into a messy bun, and secure the band around it. “What happened with that guy you were talking about?”
He reaches his hand into his pocket and takes out his phone. Flicking the screen with his finger, he shows it to me. “I got his number.”
“I’m so happy for you.” I incline back against the headboard. “Are you going to go out with him?”
“Maybe.” He drops the phone onto the desk at the foot of the bed and then lies back down, glancing at the picture on the wall. “God, it was such a great night.”
I slide my body down and lay flat on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “It really was.”
And at that moment, I mean it.
***
I wake up in the middle of the night dripping in sweat, unable to tell where the hell I am. The sound of heavy breathing drifts up from the warm body lying beside me. I sit up, blinking around the dark, clutching at the blankets, panting feverishly, trying to shake my dream.
“Callie, listen to me,” he says. “If you tell anyone about this, you’re going to get into trouble and I’m going to have to hurt you.”
My small body trembles, my muscles are sore, and my body and mind is bruised. Tears stain my eyes as I blink up at my bedroom ceiling with my hands lifeless at my sides, my fingers clutching the comforter.
“Callie do you understand me?” His face is getting red and the tone of his voice is sharp.
I nod, unable to speak, gripping the blankets tighter.
He climbs off me and zips up his pants, then backs away to the door, putting his finger to his lips. “This is our little secret.”
When he disappears out the door, I gasp for air, but my lungs won’t work. I can’t breathe. Letting go of the blanket, I stumble off the bed and run to the bathroom, leaning my head over the toilet bowl. I heave my guts out until my stomach is empty, but I still feel dirty inside, spoiled, rotten, foul. It’s killing me, gnawing away at my insides and I need to get it out.
I shove my finger down my throat, desperate to get rid of it. I push and gag until my throat bleeds and tears slide down my cheeks. My shoulders shake as I stare at the trail of blood on the floor and listen to the sounds of the kids just outside, laughing and playing hide-and-seek.
I gasp for air, dragging my fingernails down my neck. “Go away. Go away,” I whisper and Seth lets out a loud snore.
I hop out of bed and search the floor for my shoes, needing to get rid of the feelings beginning to surface. But I can’t find my shoes. It’s too dark. I yank at my hair wanting to rip it out and scream.
Finally, I give up and sneak out the door bare foot. The hallway is vacant and I run to the end of it where the bathrooms are. Locking myself in the farthest stall, I kneel down on the cold hard tile floor, lean my head over the toilet, and jab my finger down my throat.
As the vomit surfaces I start to feel better. I keep pushing and pushing until I brink the end and my stomach is empty. Calmness settles over me as I take back control.
Kayden
The next morning, after Callie and I made out in the jungle gym, I wake up with my mind crammed with a lot of shit. I climb out of bed and start packing a bag, shoving in a few shirts and an extra pair of jeans. Then I zip it up and swing the handle over my shoulder.
Luke is lying on his bed, face down and I shake his shoulder. He rolls over with his fists up, ready to take a swing at my face. “What the hell?”
“Hey, I need a favor.” I collect my wallet and phone off the dresser.
He relaxes. “What favor? And why do you have a bag packed?”
“I need to borrow your truck.” I adjust the bag higher on my shoulder. “For a few days.”
He blinks again, still out of it as he reaches for his watch on the nightstand. “What time is it?” He rubs his eyes and then gapes up at me. “It’s six o’clock in the f**king morning. Are you crazy?”
“I need to get away from here for a while,” I say. “I need to clear my head.”
Sighing, he scoots up so he’s sitting. “Where are you going?”
“Back home,” I say, knowing it’s stupid to go back, but it’s all I know. There is nowhere else for me and staying here means dealing with shit I just can't deal with and Callie deserves better. “I thought I’d go check up on my mom and make sure everything is okay there.”
He rubs his forehead and glances at the sun rising over the mountains. “You know I’m going to be stranded here if you take my truck? What am I supposed to do? Stay here for the entire weekend?”
“You can borrow someone else’s car.” I turn around, looking for his keys and then scoop them up from off the desk.
“I guess I can get a ride from Seth.” He frowns. “God dammit. This better be important.”
My stomach tenses. “It is. In fact, it’s kind of a matter of life and death.” I walk out the door without saying another word, the bandages beneath my shirt hidden, but I feel the pain. It’s all I feel.
***
Driving back home is a f**king downer, but if I hang around the campus, I’m going to want to be near Callie and it’s unhealthy for both of us. I do the only thing I know. I go back home, hoping I can clear my head of her.
When I park the truck in front of the two-story house, though, every single memory rushes back to me. The fists, the beatings, the yelling, the blood. It’s all connected to me, like the veins under my skin and the scars on my body, along with this house, and what’s inside it—it’s all I have.
It takes me a second to work up the courage to open the truck door. My boots land in a puddle as I step out. Leaning back inside, I grab my bag from the passenger seat, and slam the door. Draping the handle over my shoulder, I head up the path lined with red and green Venus Fly Traps. The leaves from the trees have fallen, and the neighbor’s son is out raking them up from the grass.
Each year, my mom pays someone to come clean them up, because my dad hates them in the yard. They’re dead and pointless and look like shit, he says.
I wave at him as I trot up the stairs to the front porch. Freezing in front of the screen, I take a deep breath and step inside. It’s exactly the same as when I left. There is no dust on the pictures in the foyer or on the banister leading upstairs. The floor has been polished, the glass on the windows are wiped clean. I walk up to a family portrait hanging on the farthest wall and squint at it.