From the outside, it seemed a good deal. I really did need the money. I also liked being around him. He was about a bazillion times more fun than I’d ever known. Whatever happened, this was bound to be a hell of a ride. And if I knew he would leave, up front, there’d be no risk of getting overly attached. I’d just enjoy the time I had with him and then say good-bye. This could very well be fantastic.
“Alright,” I said at last. “You have pulled my ass out of the fire. Thanks for that. But I’m still not completely convinced about this girlfriend plan. I guess we’ll see how it goes.”
He clapped his hands in glee. “You won’t regret this. I won’t mess with your life. Much.”
“Much?”
“And you know I’m a f**king delight to have around. People don’t always get that about me. Plus, I’ll open jars and lift heavy shit. I hear those are issues for women.” He bounced around the room. Good god, this man had energy to spare like he snorted sugar. “So, what should we do tonight? Wanna order some food? What do you feel like?”
I slumped back in the chair, tired from just watching him. “Mal, I don’t have money for that, but you go ahead.”
“Would you stop worrying about money? That’s why I’m here. Everything’s fine. Now what do you feel like?”
“Whatever you want is great.”
“That is so the correct answer. We are going to be the best fake couple ever, pumpkin.”
“Please don’t call me that.”
“Puuuumpkin,” he drawled, eyebrows waggling. “It’s a great nickname. Your hair is kinda that color and we’re a couple now. Couples always have dumb-ass names for each other. C’mon, you think up one for me.”
“I’ll get right to work on that.”
“Cool. Then we’ll have touching time.” He rubbed his hands together. “Actually, never mind, we can do that later in bed.”
My mind scrambled for purchase. “Bed? Touching time? Is that a euphemism? I thought we weren’t having sex. You said we were just pretending.”
“Geez, relax. We’re not having sex, we’re just sleeping together. The whole plan will totally collapse if we start having sex. What I need is a respectable long-term-looking relationship. We start f**king and you’ll be all ‘Oh Mal, I never dreamed such ecstasy was possible. I cannot live without you! Fuck me, Mal. Pleeeeease.’” His knees buckled until he fell flat onto the floor. It was an impressive performance. The man knew how to bat his eyelashes.
I giggled like a vapid schoolgirl. A noise that pretty much made me want to shoot myself on principle.
“And then everything will go all psycho Fatal Attraction. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen and it’s not pretty. So let’s keep it strictly above the belt. Get your mind out of the gutter, Anne.”
“You’re that good, huh?”
He leveled me with a look. “Miss Rollins, you have no idea.”
“You know, I honestly can’t decide if your ego is repulsive or just impressive.”
“You want me to lie to you instead?”
“Mal, I can barely tell when you’re being serious as it is.”
He rolled onto his hands and knees, then crawled over to me, eyes full of mischief. “If I’m talking to you, I’m serious. Now, we’ll have to kiss in public, obviously. And what if we’re out to dinner and I stick my tongue in your ear and you get all weirded out? People might start to wonder. So we need to practice the touching thing.”
“Your tongue? Really? I don’t know …”
“Lucky for you, I’m here and I do.” He stood and picked up a cell phone, his finger flicking over the screen. “We need to make sure we look tight. Lauren’s been over f**king constantly. We can’t risk separate bedrooms. Do you know she doesn’t even knock, just bursts on in like she owns the place? Some people, no manners.”
I was too overwhelmed to point out the irony in that statement.
“Yes, but we could lock the door,” I suggested, growing slightly palm-sweaty desperate again. Though, to be honest, I’d never really stopped.
Me sleeping with Mal? No. Not a good idea. Him bouncing around my apartment half-naked was enough. Touching in the dark would do me in for sure. I’d attack him despite my best intentions. Given we’d be living together for the foreseeable future, pushing for more would be a freaking disaster.
“We can’t just lock the door,” he said. “Lauren went and got another key made. You need better security, pumpkin.”
“Very true.”
“Hey, you don’t snore do you?”
I gave him my very best withering glare.
“Just asking.” He backed away, still playing with his phone. “And I’ll make sure I keep any hookups on the down low, okay? I won’t embarrass you with any of that.”
“Thanks.” I shouldn’t have been surprised. But I was. Stupid, stupid me. “Were you just setting this up last night? Was that what it was all about?”
“Well, yeah.”
I opened my eyes wide. Painfully wide. I took a deep breath in through my nose. It didn’t matter really. My pride had taken a hit, but I had a roof over my head for the foreseeable future. Time to suck it up.
This sleeping-together thing wouldn’t work. It couldn’t. The fact that I was buzzing with tension just from the thought of it confirmed as much. But me playing his girlfriend part? I owed it to him to try. It could even be fun. Serious fun. And god knew I was overdue for some of that in my life.
I sat up straight, took a deep breath. “Okay, I’m agreeing to everything but the touching time.”
He opened his mouth to protest but I plowed on before he could get a word out. “And tomorrow we put a sliding lock on the door to keep Lauren out and you start sleeping in the spare room. These are my conditions.”
“Look at you, all assertive. I like it. Though really, I’d prefer it if you thought of me as being beyond boundaries.”
“I’m serious, Mal. Take it or leave it. I just got out of one clusterfuck of a roommate situation. I won’t fall straight into another.”
Mal crossed his arms and looked down the length of his nose at me. At first, I thought he would argue. Some evil subversive part of me might have even hoped he would, at least on the sleeping front. But he didn’t.
“Very well, I accept your terms. Tell you what,” he said slowly. “Why don’t I hit the couch tonight?”