“Well, maybe they shouldn’t, Nell!” I snapped back. “Maybe they should be worried about you. I know I am. You’re scaring me.”
“You’re my friend. You’re supposed to understand and support me.”
“I do. I am. But that doesn’t mean I have to sit by and let you s-sink.” I ground my teeth together at the stuttered last word, squeezing my eyes shut and focusing. I never stuttered anymore, especially not in public. “I know it’s only been a couple months, but you seem…worse, not better.”
She shrugged. “I don’t know what you want from me. He wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was my best friend. I knew him my entire life. I saw him every single day for eighteen years.” Her hand trembled and she squeezed it into a fist, her unpainted nails digging into her palm. “He was everything. And he’s gone. How am I ever supposed to be better?”
“I don’t know, Nell. I don’t. I know I can’t understand what you’re going through.”
“So stop trying.”
“But I—”
Nell leaned in and kissed my cheek. “I’m going. Thanks for the coffee. I’ll see you later.” She turned and left without a backward glance, slipping into the driver’s seat of her mother’s Lexus SUV.
I watched her drive away, heart burdened by worry for my friend. She didn’t seem drunk, but I worried I was being a bad friend by letting her drive when I’d smelled alcohol on her breath. And the scratching of her arm? I’d seen Ben do that before, and I knew for a fact he’d tried hard drugs. She wouldn’t lie to me and swear on Kyle’s grave about it. I knew Nell well enough to know that.
Right?
* * *
I found Jason in the gym reserved for the football team, using a weight machine to lift what looked to be an enormous amount of weight with his legs. He was shirtless, his body glistening with sweat, the muscles swollen from exercise. Even though I was upset, I couldn’t help the low growl of desire from rippling through me. I watched him lower the weight until his knees were bent to his chest, and then he blew out a slow breath and pushed to straighten his legs, visibly straining.
He was alone in the room, so I crossed behind him, unseen, the clink of the machine and the huffing of his breathing covering my presence. I waited until he had the weights resting before sliding my palms across his sweaty chest.
“Hi, baby.”
He tilted his head back to look at me upside down. “Hey, beautiful. What are you doing here? I thought you were hanging out with Nell?” I leaned down to kiss him, tasting sweat on his lips and Gatorade on his tongue. “I’m all sweaty. Isn’t that gross?”
“Have I ever been grossed out by you sweaty?” I brushed my fingers along his jaw. “It’s sexy. Watching you work out turns me on.” Even though we were alone, I whispered it.
He grinned at me, but he must have seen the troubled look in my eyes. “What is it, Beck? Where’s Nell?” He swiveled off the bench and stood up.
I didn’t let him wrap me in his arms, though; just because I liked the way he looked all sweaty and didn’t mind kissing him that way didn’t mean I wanted his sweat all over my clothes. Apparently he knew this, though, because he just held me by the arms.
“She left.”
“Already?” He unbuttoned my pea coat, one button at a time.
I nodded. “Yeah. I’m really worried about her, Jase. She showed up half an hour late, stayed for one cup of coffee, and then left.” I let him push the coat off my shoulders and set it across a rack of free weights. “We argued. We never argue. She was so closed off, so defensive.”
“She’s going through hell, Beck. You know that.” He grabbed a towel out of his gym bag on the floor and wiped his face, neck, and chest with it, after which I let him pull me into his arms.
I sighed against his skin. “Yeah, I do know. But…she was acting…off. Scratching her arm constantly, plus she smelled like she’d been drinking.”
That surprised Jason. “Drinking? At one o’clock on a Saturday afternoon?”
“Exactly. The way she was scratching her arm bothered me. Ben used to do that when he was on drugs. Like, bad drugs.”
Jason’s eyes narrowed. “Your brother shoots up?”
I shook my head. “Not anymore. He went through outpatient drug counseling last year, and he’s been clean since. He did that voluntarily, too. But Nell? I wouldn’t have thought she’d even know what drugs were, much less that she’d do them.”
“Did you ask her about it?” Jason’s lips touched my hair, my temple, the tip of my ear.
“Yeah, of course. She swore on Kyle’s grave that she wasn’t.”
He thought for a minute. “I don’t know, then. Maybe it was just a rash.”
I shook my head. “She had her sleeves pulled down over her hands the whole time. She wouldn’t show me her arm.”
“Well, what can you do? Tell her parents? She’s eighteen—they can’t force her into anything.”
“I know,” I said. “I just worry. She’s not herself anymore. She’s changed. I mean, yeah, I know she’s going through a lot, having lost Kyle, but…so have we all. We’re all coping with his loss.”
“Think she’d go to a therapist?” His hands massaged my shoulders, and then slid down my back, kneading as he went. “I did, and I know it helped me. And you know how I feel about shrinks.”
I’d had to badger him and threaten to refuse to have sex with him until he went to an on-campus therapist with me about Kyle’s death. He still went once a month, and it had turned into a healing process for him regarding his relationship with his father.
“I know. And yeah, I asked her about that, too. She said it wouldn’t do her any good. All she wanted was Kyle back.”
Jason just sighed. “I don’t know what to tell you. It all sounds worrisome. But…what can we do except keep trying to help her and be there for her if she needs us?” I nodded and tilted my chin up for a kiss. “I’m gonna rinse off real quick, and then what say we go have some lunch? I hear your stomach growling.”
“Now that I’ve been snuggling up against you, Mr. Sweaty Muscles, I’m gonna need a shower, too.”
His eyes heated up, and his fingers dug into the small of my back. “My roommate is gone for the weekend.”
“So’s mine,” I said, shrugging back into my coat.