I shook my head, trying not to think too much about his question.
When Dr. Z dismissed the class, I realized I hadn’t taken a single note. The first half, I’d spent staring at the back of Cy’s infuriatingly beautiful head, and the second, I’d tried not to think about the memory Benji unknowingly pulled to the surface.
Cy stood after gathering his things. He traded just a few quiet words with the professor and then quickly found his way to the hallway. Part of me wanted to stop him and ask about the frightened look in Kevin’s eyes the night before. I hadn’t seen that kind of raw fear since the night my parents and Sydney—the night I refused to think about. I wanted to know what Cy had said to Kevin that was so frightening.
Benji watched me put away my laptop. “Cy seems like an okay guy, but it’s weird that, other than last night, I’ve never seen him outside of this class.”
“Why is that weird? Some days, I don’t see you outside of this class.”
“Yeah, you do.” He slipped on his backpack and then helped me with mine. “He disappears after he leaves here. One day, I followed him, but he turned a corner and…poof.”
A corner of my mouth turned up. “I’m a little jealous that I’m not the only one you stalk.”
“I wish you were jealous.”
I shook my head.
Benji laughed once. “I wasn’t stalking him. I was just curious.”
“No worries. I’ve seen him outside of this class.”
“Like a…like a date?”
“No, like he’s Dr. Z’s research assistant.”
“I thought you were?”
“We both are.”
“Oh. I thought he was temporary. You’re still working together every night?”
“Every night.”
He shifted his weight nervously. “Even over break? Is that why you’re not going home?”
“Yes, over break. I’m not going home because, at the moment, Kempton is my home, and no, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Oh.”
I laughed. “C’mon, I’m starved.”
Benji managed a smile and followed me out of the building and off campus to Gigi’s Café. Benji and I had been eating there fairly regularly since we started studying together. Now, the waitresses were under the impression we were dating even though I’d set them straight plenty of times.
We walked out to the wooden patio and watched the traffic until our server came out to take our drink orders. We were enjoying a rogue fifty-five-degree November day, and I wanted to spend as much of it outside before I was cooped up in the windowless lab.
“I’ll have a water.”
“Me, too,” I said, watching his nonreaction.
He always made fun of how I drank so much water, but now, he seemed preoccupied.
Benji picked at a sugar packet, looking uncomfortable in a plaid button-up oxford. The sleeves were rolled up to just below his elbows. It was his way of dressing down. He clearly wanted to have a conversation, but he was holding off.
Finally, I kicked his leg under the table.
“Ow!”
“What is it?” I said, trying not to giggle at my grade-school antics.
“What is what?” he said, bending down to rub his shin.
My eyes narrowed. “What are you not saying?”
“I’m not, not saying anything. If you sense hesitation, it’s because I’m trying to phrase what I want to say in a way you haven’t heard before.”
“Is this because of Cy?”
“Because of a lot of things, Rory. I…wanted to wait. I wanted to have this conversation on your terms, especially after what happened with Ellie. I didn’t want to risk running you off again. But if I wait, with you and Cyrus spending so much time together—”
“Benji, don’t.”
“Don’t tell me don’t. You’ve stopped me from telling you how I feel about you once a week since we’ve met. I know there are things I don’t know about your past. Maybe I don’t need to know them. Maybe one day you’ll tell me, and I’ll wish I didn’t know. Either way, my feelings for you won’t change. I don’t need to know your past to know that I have feelings for the person you are now.”
“I don’t even know who I am now. I just know I’m not who I was then. You can’t have feelings for someone stuck in limbo like that.” I looked away from him. Purgatory would be more accurate.
“You’re you.” He shrugged and smiled. “The woman sitting in front of me is who I want to spend time with, who I want to hold the way I did last night as much as I want. As much as she wants. If you’d just give me a chance—”
The server brought our waters and smiled. “Ready to order?”
“Uh”—I looked down at the menu—“I’ll just have the shredded chicken southwest quesadilla.”
“The same,” Benji said.
“Now, you’re just being a suck-up,” I said, handing the menu to my left.
The server took it and then spoke, “Actually, that’s his usual.”
How did I not notice that after coming here so often with him? Was I so focused on not letting him have feelings for me that I overlooked him completely? How could he care about someone like that?
“Thank you, Chelsea,” Benji said, not taking his eyes away from mine. “See? Something in common.” Chelsea walked away, and Benji folded his arms on top of the table. “How do you feel about me? Think I’ll ever make it back out of the friend zone alive?”
I stared at the pedestrians and traffic passing by. Benji was obnoxiously happy and irritating, and in the beginning, I didn’t think he was my type at all, but I suddenly feared that if I didn’t say something in the realm of him having a chance, I might lose him. His friendship was comforting even if I wanted to kick his ass half the time, and as long as I was being truthful, I wasn’t one hundred percent sure he was just a friend.
Regardless of his feelings or mine, I was very possibly on my way toward committing a federal crime. Dr. Z and Cy needed me right now, and that didn’t leave any time for a burgeoning friendship to try to become a relationship. Benji obviously came from very respectable stock, and I was every mother’s nightmare. And then there was the small matter of a traumatic life event and my immortality. That was a lot for something new and iffy to push through.
“I never meant for us to get in this deep,” I said.