“You could,” she said.
“What?”
“You could ask me to choose.”
“What?” He sounded surprised. “I don’t want to.”
“I don’t want you to either,” she said. “But you could.”
“Georgie, I’ve seen you two together. You can’t even finish a joke without him.”
“Those are just jokes.”
“Really throwing around the word ‘just’ tonight, aren’t you?”
“You could ask me to choose,” she insisted.
“I don’t want to,” he said, practically growling.
“I wouldn’t even have to think about it, Neal. I’d choose you. I’d choose you again and again and again. Seth is my best friend—I think he’ll always be my best friend—but you’re my future.” Never mind that this wasn’t true yet in 1998. It was going to be true. It was inevitably true. “You’re my whole life.”
Neal exhaled. She could imagine him shaking out his head, blinking. Resetting his jaw.
“Please don’t be jealous of Seth,” she whispered.
He was quiet.
Georgie waited.
“If you promise me that I don’t have to be jealous,” Neal said finally, “that I never have to be jealous, then I won’t be.”
“You never have to be, I promise.”
“Okay,” he said. Then more firmly, “Okay. I’m taking you at your word.”
“Thank you.”
“Now take me at my mine, Georgie, for Christ’s sake—I’m not in love with Dawn. I never really was. Even if you break up with me and crush my heart, I’m never getting back together with Dawn. I know that the world isn’t flat now, I’m not going back.”
“So you’re saying that, if we break up, you’ll definitely hold out for somebody better than Dawn. That’s supposed to make me feel better?”
“You’ve ruined me for Dawn. That’s supposed to make you feel better.”
“Neal, I want to ruin you for everyone.”
“Christ.” His voice got closer, like he was pushing the receiver against his chin. “You have. You don’t have to be jealous of anyone. But especially not of Dawn, okay?”
“Okay,” she said.
He sighed. “Let’s never do this again.”
“Do what?”
“Be jealous and crappy to each other.”
“It’s easier for me than for you,” she said.
“Why?”
“Because you’re right. Seth is worse than an ex-boyfriend. Seth isn’t going anywhere.”
“Do I have any reason to be jealous of Seth?”
“No.”
“Then I’m not. End of story.”
Georgie asked Neal more questions about the railroad detectives. She could tell he wanted to talk about it.
Apparently he’d been considering the job more seriously than she’d ever realized.
She tried not to draw attention to the obvious problem with this career plan—that it would mean moving to Omaha. And Georgie was never going to move to Omaha.
She was going to work in TV, Neal knew that. And TV meant Los Angeles.
Part of her just wanted to tell him:
This isn’t going to happen. We stay in California. You hate it. But you grow your own avocados. So that’s something.
You like our house. You picked it out. You said it reminded you of home—something about hills and high ceilings and only one bathroom.
And we’re close to the ocean—close enough—and you don’t hate it, not like you used to. Sometimes I think you like it. You love me by the ocean. And the girls. You say it sweetens us. Pinks our cheeks and curls our hair.
And Neal, if you don’t come back to me, you’ll never see what a good dad you are.
And it won’t be the same if you have kids with some other, better girl, because they won’t be Alice and Noomi, and even if I’m not your perfect match, they are.
God, the three of you. The three of you.
When I wake up on Sunday mornings—late, you always let me sleep in—I come looking for you, and you’re in the backyard with dirt on your knees and two little girls spinning around you in perfect orbit. And you put their hair in pigtails, and you let them wear whatever madness they want, and Alice planted a fruit cocktail tree, and Noomi ate a butterfly, and they look like me because they’re round and golden, but they glow for you.
And you built us a picnic table.
And you learned to bake bread.
And you’ve painted a mural on every west-facing wall.
And it isn’t all bad, I promise. I swear to you.
You might not be actively, thoughtfully happy 70 to 80 percent of the time, but maybe you wouldn’t be anyway. And even when you’re sad, Neal—even when you’re falling asleep at the other side of the bed—I think you’re happy, too. About some things. About a few things.
I promise it’s not all bad.
“Georgie? Are you still there?”
“Yeah.”
“I thought you fell asleep.”
“I’m awake. It’s only ten here.”
“I was saying that I’d have to wear a gun—would that bother you?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “I’ve never thought about it. It’s hard to imagine you with a gun.” Neal didn’t even kill spiders. He teased them onto a piece of paper, then set them down gently on the porch. “Would it bother you?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe. I’ve always hated guns.”
“I love you,” she said.
“Because I hate guns?”
“Because everything.”
“Because everything.” She could hear Neal almost smiling. She could almost see him, too.
No . . .
Georgie was picturing her Neal. Her almost-forty Neal. Leaner. Sharper. With longer hair and crow’s-feet and a bit of gray in the beard he grew every winter. “What passes for winter,” he’d say. “My children are never going to know what it’s like to come in from the cold and feel the warmth work its way back into their fingers.”
“It sounds like you’re saying they’re never going to get frostbite.”
“I can’t have this conversation with someone who’s never built a snowman.”
“Our kids have seen snow.”
“At Disneyland, Georgie. That’s just soap bubbles.”