“I was working in a merc unit on Nicu Tertius, nothing glamorous. The noble who employed us was a shit-eating lummox, an imperial hopeful who had about as much chance as my left bollock at winning the purple robes.”
“Sounds like a real charmer.”
Jael flashed her a wry half smile. “Oh, he was. Prince of a fellow, and his commander was worse, a bundle of filthy rags where his brain ought to be.”
“Why were you working for them, then?”
“Clearly you’ve never been homeless or hungry, love. I fought for them because they’d have me, no questions asked. It might’ve been a terrible place, but . . . it was mine.”
She understood that, better than he might imagine. “Right. Go on.”
“There was a remote village, and the lord wanted it cleared. The property was in dispute. He said it belonged to him . . . his neighbor disagreed. This had been going on for turns while the people went about their lives unconcerned. My employer got the bright idea to turn us on the peasants. If there was no income potential, then his rival might lose interest. It wasn’t the first time he’d aimed us at petty matters, diverting us from his Imperial campaign, just the worst conceived use for a full merc unit.”
She didn’t have to prompt him. Jael closed his eyes and finished the story though she already knew how it ended. “I followed orders. The universe is full of quietly terrible men who blame their sins on other people, on the necessity of following orders. So we wiped that village off the map. Everything burned, and there was this awful naphtha smell in the air, hanging, along with the stink of charred flesh. I can still hear the women screaming, the children crying.” When his lashes fluttered up, she swore she saw flames crackling in them.
Hell is our own memories, our bad choices.
Dred wasn’t sure what she’d craved in this information exchange, but she’d learned he wasn’t a man who could do something so terrible and feel unmoved. That meant he was better than Artan, at least. He’d known no remorse for any of his atrocities and taken pleasure in pain, as if it were sweeter than honey.
“Come to bed,” she said then.
34
Darkness Falls
“Don’t take this the wrong way, love, but I’m not in the mood.” Jael tried on a smile, but he couldn’t quite fasten the thing properly.
His teeth clicked in more of a snarl with the sickness of that old wrong simmering in his head. He couldn’t even believe he’d answered her, just because she’d asked. She must have some kind of insane power over men because otherwise he’d never have emptied himself all over her bunk, as if he were pissing on an alley wall. Jael just . . . he never did this; it was too far below skin level, down close to the bone.
“Me either. So my invitation’s not for that. Just . . . stay, if you want.”
Mary, why would he want to be in a woman’s bed if not for that? He had no precedent, but her power over him didn’t diminish. If anything, he was more of a puppet than ever as he settled beside her in the bunk. It was just large enough for two, but only if they turned on their sides. He had no idea how it functioned with both Tam and Einar in here, but he shunted those questions aside. For tonight, if only for tonight, she’d chosen him. Jael would deal with the fallout from that later.
“What do you want from me?” he asked, hearing the raw confusion in his own voice.
“I’m using you as a magical talisman tonight.”
“Against what?”
“Everything else.”
She wrapped an arm around him, and he had no idea what to do. He’d never lain with a woman like this. There were bedroom tussles; he was good at those, but always, he rolled away with a smile or an exchange of credits afterward. By degrees, he relaxed against her and curled her closer to him. Her leg twined with his. Before long, her breathing leveled off. It was always hard for him to fall asleep, either a product of his accelerated physiology or a result of his precarious lifestyle. This time, however, it took only minutes instead of hours for his brain to power down.
Later, he woke in confusion, his face nuzzled into the softness of a shoulder. Recollection came quickly. His first instinct was to shove her away and run. This seemed much weightier than her fingers, briskly bringing him off. Jael couldn’t make his muscles respond; he only wanted to pull her tighter. His whole body ached in that sleepy, needing way.
She pressed closer, drowsy and delicious with it. Half-awake, she kissed him, her lips soft and warm on his throat, and his heart stuttered. Not like this. I won’t survive if the first time is like this. Everything was too raw, too real, and he’d had no chance to erect any defenses.
No, but plenty of time for other erections.
“I sense you changed your mind.” Her voice was husky.
She moved against him, a thigh cradling his hip. Nothing coherent emerged from his mouth in response. There were so many reasons this was the wrong time, but he was beyond control for just as many. Jael told himself it was because it had been so many turns since he’d felt a woman like this—any man would react the same.
Then she kissed him, sweet and deep, all heat and luxurious languor. If anything, her dreamy slowness increased his fever. He made a sound against her mouth, one hand digging into her hip. He wasn’t like this. Oh, please. Please, just—
And then she did, thank Mary. It was just right, exquisite, and he moved with her in short, frantic lunges. He was only barely aware that the thing was only half-done, that their clothing was still in the way, but he was mad enough not to care. He watched her eyes with hungry intensity and saw the moment she fell into it. That was all it took. They clung together, shivering, then reality set in.
“I highly suspect you’re a witch,” he said, falling back with a groan. “I don’t usually forget to take my pants off.”
She was smiling down at him, propped on an elbow. “I didn’t mind. There’s something to be said for efficiency.”
“Stop. I’ll die of shame.”
“I don’t think that’s possible, especially for you. And even if you do, you’ll get better.”
From anyone else, the joke about his otherness would bother him, though he’d feign a laugh and act like it didn’t matter. With her, it was all right because she knew the worst things about him and accepted him. It was better, somehow, that she could tease him.
You’re not a person. You’re a thing.
No, he told the scientist who raged in his brain. I am not.