“So why didn’t you take them?”
“One night Eric called me and told me that he’d made up his mind. He’d watched a documentary on loupism. It affected him deeply and he realized this was his calling. In the chaos of post-Shift Atlanta, he realized that shapeshifters, with their regeneration and resistance to diseases, would be overlooked. The attention of the medical community would center on human diseases, because regular humans would be the most vulnerable. Normal people saw shapeshifters as monsters, and monsters would be the last on the list no matter how much they needed help. He felt he could make a real difference by working to aid shapeshifters.” Doolittle looked up at me. “He didn’t know I was one of the ‘monsters.’ He saw people in need being neglected and he chose to help them. He felt it was his duty, while I was selfishly trying to select the best combination of benefits and money. I decided then that I could do no less.”
Jim’s father had died for what he believed in. One day he was brought a child who’d gone loup and committed multiple murders. Despite this, he had hidden her rather than euthanizing her, as required by law. The crime was discovered, he was convicted, and in the first week of his jail sentence, another inmate stabbed him to death. Years later Jim had tracked down his father’s killer and made him pay.
“I had joined the Pack,” Doolittle said. “Took a new name. Beatrice, Aunt B, had vouched for me. She and my wife had been best friends.”
“I didn’t know you were married.”
“She passed away a long time ago. In another life.”
“If you hadn’t become the monster doctor, would you still practice medicine?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Hugh and I would still practice murder. We’re two sides of the same coin.”
“Exactly,” Doolittle said. “The opposite sides. Why did you choose to work for the Guild?”
“Partially because I was hiding in plain sight.”
“And?”
It was my turn to sigh. “Because I wanted to be happy with what I did with my life. I had done some things when I was a child. I don’t blame myself for them. I did them because the adult in my life directed me to do them and praised me when I succeeded. But when I grew up, looking back at what I had done became difficult. I wanted to help someone for a change. The Guild let me choose which jobs I took, and I got to be ‘the good guy,’ if only for a while.”
“And that’s the crucial difference between you and Hugh. He’s an aggressor, and you’re the protector.” Doolittle leaned forward. “You could’ve been a hired killer or someone’s private weapon. Instead you chose to protect everyone around you. It’s as natural to you as breathing and I selfishly count myself to be very lucky to benefit from that, even if that urge sometimes takes you too far.”
The way he said “too far” threw me right back to a few months ago, when he had come to after Hugh had healed him. I sat down so we would be on the same level. This had to be said. I just didn’t know how to say it. I decided to just barrel right through it. “You don’t have to worry. I know how you feel about my particular brand of magic. I hope it never comes to that, but if it does, I won’t pull you back from death like I did Julie.”
What I had done to Julie wasn’t healing. She didn’t know it, but it made her unable to refuse a direct order from me. I remembered the fear in Doolittle’s eyes when he regained consciousness and thought I had taken away his free will with my magic. Sometimes I dreamed about that, too.
Doolittle froze for a painful second. His voice was quiet. “Was I that easy to read?”
“You had just come back from death,” I said.
“I meant no offense. When I spoke about going too far, I meant that your urge to protect sometimes ends with you being hurt. You take on too much. But we might as well get this out in the open. I appreciate everything you’re willing to do, but I won’t live as anyone’s slave. My family has been legally free since 1865 and I won’t surrender my freedom no matter how benevolent of a master I’ll get. I would rather be dead.”
“I understand,” I told him.
We sat quietly for a few long moments.
Doolittle reached over and touched my hand. “Your brand of magic is . . .”
“Evil?”
“I was going to say frightening. I don’t fear you. I don’t fear who you want to be. I do fear who you might become in spite of yourself. But you don’t need to be defined by your magic or an old man’s fears. There is a good word for the kind of person you are—honorable. It might be old-fashioned, but it fits. I’m glad I have the privilege of knowing you.”
I forced a smile. “Even if I don’t follow your prescriptions and you have to drug me with your iced tea to keep me off my feet?”
Doolittle smiled. “Even so. Speaking of prescriptions, you are to stay off your feet for as long as you can.”
“Absolutely.” I got up. “I’ll open the door for you.”
Doolittle growled. “At least have the decency to wait to ignore me until I leave.”
“Ehh, sorry.” I held the door open for him.
“My life would be much easier without so many hard cases in it,” he grumbled.
“You love us, Doc. You know you do. We keep you busy. Without us, there’s no guessing what sort of trouble your idle hands would lead you into.”
11
I WENT TO my room, took a shower, and lay on the ridiculously large sofa in our living room. Curran’s quarters were sized to his beast form. The bed, the tub, the sofas, everything was built to accommodate an enormous prehistoric lion. But in all of our time together, I had never actually seen him use the sofa as a lion. On the rare days when he trotted into our rooms in his fur, he usually lounged about in the tub or lay on the floor, and I usually ended up on the floor with him, leaning against his side and reading a book. Maybe it was the principle of the thing.
I missed him. Still no word on whether he was dead or alive.
I glanced at the clock. Eight forty-five a.m. Three hours and fifteen minutes until Hugh’s deadline.
They should’ve found Curran by now.
I would take Hugh apart. I would wipe that smug grin off his face. He wouldn’t have a face once I was done.
But I had to wait. Wait for Double D, wait for Hugh’s next move, wait for Curran to be found. I fucking hated waiting.
I forced myself off the couch. I had to get dressed and be seen. With Curran gone, the Pack would look for me. The People would be moving on us soon. I needed to check our defenses and to field questions from the Pack Council. I needed to check on Derek, Desandra, and Ascanio.