“It doesn’t matter,” Kenny said, with an expression of pure disgust. “I’ll live. But I would like to know why you can’t live without drinking.” He poured a full glass of vodka and stared at it.
Evan took a deep breath and exhaled. He walked over to the bar and said, “Don’t, Kenny. I’ll go home with you now. I’m sorry. We’ll talk about it in the morning.”
Kenny lifted the drink, stared at it, and hesitated. Then he put the drink down and said, “No more talking. I’m moving back to Dad’s tomorrow. I thought things had changed, but I guess I was wrong.”
Evan felt a sharp pain in his chest. He knew he’d fucked up and there was no turning back now. He looked up and glanced around the room. Candy and Grayson were sitting on the sofa, not sure where to look. Cadin was near the piano with his arm around Michele. For a moment, Evan felt a slight sense of relief. He knew his good friends would be there for him in spite of what he’d done that night. That’s how it had always worked. Kenny might not be able to forgive him for years to come, but Cadin and Michele understood him and they would never turn their backs on him. They might remain mad at him for a while, but never for long.
Then it dawned on him that his relationship with both Cadin and Michele might have been part of his problem. They were such good friends they never questioned him or gave him any ultimatums that lasted for long. They talked a good game, but they let him get away with anything. Here they were again: all three single, all three recently disappointed in relationships they probably knew wouldn’t work in the first place, and now they could all wallow in self-pity. In fact, all three of them were so fucked up that when they got together and sat around comparing sob stories, they seemed to feed on the negative things instead of the positive things. When Evan realized this was part of what he had been trying to change in his life all along, he turned toward the front door and said, “Let’s go home, Kenny.”
Oh, he wanted to have another drink. He wasn’t drunk enough, not by any means. The craving overwhelmed him so much he felt weak in the knees. But he knew, deep down, that if he could refrain from having another drink that night he might be able to refrain for the rest of his life. And even though Kenny might never forgive him for this night, there might still be hope for the future. And that was about all he had left.
“You can stay here if you want,” Michele said. Her tone had softened by then. “I’ll make up the guest room.” She smiled at Kenny. “I’ll take care of him. Don’t worry.”
Cadin said, “It might be a good idea, Evan. We’ll make a pot of coffee and talk for a while.”
Evan walked over to them and hugged them both. He kissed them on the cheek and looked over his shoulder at Kenny. He loved his friends, but knew they were part of his problem. He smiled and said, “I think I’d rather go home with my son. I’ll be fine. That is if my son still wants to go home with me.”
At that moment, Kenny had been staring down at the floor, with his hands in his pockets and his head tilted to the side. It reminded Evan of the way he’d stood in line at school when he’d been a child. Evan used to walk him to school every morning and he’d kiss him good-bye at the gate. But Evan never left right away. Evan had stood behind a fence where no one could see him, watching his son get in line with the other kids, making sure he was safe. Not even Kenny knew this, and it was something Evan would never tell anyone.
Kenny looked up and sent Evan a smile. “Of course I want to go home with you.”
*****
When they were outside on the street, Kenny put Candy and Grayson in a taxi and told them he’d call them in the morning. Then Kenny and Evan started walking downtown, hoping to find another cab. There didn’t seem to be that many around, and those that passed were already occupied. So Kenny suggested they take the subway and Evan agreed it was the fastest way to get home. Evan could still feel the effect of the vodka he’d had, but not to the point of slurring his words or staggering while he walked. The worst part was he still wanted more, yet knew he couldn’t do that.
They didn’t speak much on the subway. They sat next to each other, facing forward with their hands on their laps during the ride downtown. Evan was too exhausted to talk about anything and Kenny seemed deep in thought. Evan had no idea what he was thinking and he didn’t want to push his luck anymore that night. He knew he’d disappointed his son, and he’d already accepted the fact that he might not be able to change his mind about moving back to Jeffery’s. But more important, Evan knew it might be the best thing for Kenny to move back with Jeffery.
When the subway dropped them off about three blocks from Evan’s apartment and they were on the street again, Evan reached for Kenny’s hand and said, “I’m really sorry about tonight. I know I can’t make it up to you. I know I said I’d never drink again. But everything just started to get too confusing. I wish I had an explanation for you to make you understand. But I don’t.”
They’d just passed a group of three guys leaning against the side of a building with a long, narrow, dark alley. Evan had no idea that when he’d reached for Kenny’s hand one of the guys leaning against the building had seen him do this. Evan was still holding Kenny’s hand when the three guys walked up behind them and one of them said, “Isn’t this adorable? Two little fags walking hand in hand down the street.” He glanced at his two buddies, made a fist, brought it to his lips, and made a blow job gesture.
Kenny stopped and pulled his hand out of Evan’s.
Evan felt a lump in his throat and a surge of panic shot through his entire body. He turned and said, “This is my son, not my boyfriend. Don’t be an asshole.”
The big guy with a deep voice grabbed Evan’s arm and laughed. “I’ll bet you’re a good daddy to your son. I’ll bet you take good care of your boy when you get down on your knees and suck his cock. You’ve got that kind of mouth, with those full lips that were made to suck cock.”
“Let go of me,” Evan said. “He is my son. We live a few blocks from here.” He worked hard to remain calm, trying not to antagonize them.
Kenny made a face and tightened his fists. “Let go of him.”
The last thing Evan wanted to see was his son get into a fight. He knew these guys were capable of serious harm. Their type had no regard for human life. All they wanted that night was something to amuse them.