I stand listening until I hear movement in the bedroom. I am terrified when I push open the partially- closed door to find her cramming clothing into her duffle bag. “What are you doing, baby?” She makes another trip to the closet, returning with more clothes before turning to face me. Her eyes are red-rimmed, and I can tell she’s been crying. I want nothing more than to take her in my arms, but her posture is so closed –off, that I know to keep my distance.
“I’m going to stay with Rose for a while. I need time to process everything that’s happened today.”
Feeling fear rise to choke me, I walk over to push the duffle bag away, as if it will stop her from leaving me. “You can do that here. I’ll help you.”
“Just like you helped me by telling me about my father?” I flinch at her words, hearing the hint of betrayal behind them. “I see you’re not surprised that I know. I guess you and dear old Daddy talked about me as soon as I left.”
“Baby…it’s not like that. I didn’t think you could handle anything else right after the attack. I was trying to protect you.”
She picks up the damn duffle bag again and continues to put clothes inside it. “Well, it was certainly better the way it happened today. It’s so much easier to be blindsided than to have someone you love be honest with you, right?” Her calm statements are completely unnerving me. I’d feel better if she were screaming and throwing things. I don’t know quite how to deal with this quiet, disappointed tone she’s using instead.
I hiss audibly, knowing I don’t have a leg to stand on here. Maybe I did it for all the right reasons, but she’s right; I kept something potentially life-altering from her. This isn’t the way I wanted to do this, but I can’t let her leave here without telling her how I feel. My voice sounds rusty when I say the words I haven’t uttered to a woman in so many years. “Lia, I love you. Please don’t leave.”
She freezes in mid-motion. The shirt she had in her hands to pack is suspended in mid-air. She whirls around looking unbelievably beautiful…and furious. Not exactly the reaction I was looking for after my profession of love. “Don’t you dare say that to me now when I’m leaving! I’ve longed to hear those words from you but not when you’re under duress!” Her movements are jerky now as if she can barely control her anger. “I have let you keep your secrets, Lucian, because they’re a part of who you are. I didn’t freak out and run for the door when I found you snorting cocaine in the middle of the night because, in some screwed-up way, I understood the need to escape, no matter what the means. She looks so fucking sad that I prefer the anger of a few minutes ago.
“We’ve hit a roadblock now. Your secrets are tearing us apart.” She picks up her bag, along with her purse, and walks toward me. “If you really do love me, as you say, and want to save this relationship, then I need to know it all. No more walls, Lucian, and no more lies. Please, don’t contact me until you’re ready to do that.” She goes up on her toes and drops what feels like a final kiss on my lips before leaving the room and our home quietly.
I have no idea how long I stand frozen in place before I move forward and sink to the bed. I drop my head in my hands. I’m at a crossroads in my life, and I’m terrified. One path leads to Lia and my possible redemption and the other leads to a continued life of self-loathing hatred. Of the two paths, the first is somehow the most daunting because my love for her has given her complete control over my destiny.
Then another staggering thought rocks me. God, she might be pregnant. Has either of us given thought to what that could mean? We haven’t really discussed it since the night she told me about her doctor’s appointment. I don’t know if we’re in complete denial, or maybe some part of us doesn’t want to get our hopes up and have them dashed when it doesn’t happen. She has a follow-up appointment next week, and there is no way in Hell I’ll let her go alone.
I get to my feet and walk to the door with complete resolve. It’s past time for Lia to know everything I’ve been keeping from her. I can only hope that afterwards she’ll still love me. Because without her, my heart is fractured beyond repair.