But he knew he couldnt do that. When he got home, he was still warring with himself over whether he should even tell Zane about what had happened tonight. Hed outed not only himself, but Zane as well, without truly thinking it through. And then there was the kiss.
It wasnt like Ty had ever been celibate. Zane knew hed gotten around and wasnt shy about sex. But Ty had never been with anyone hed hidden from Zane, and since theyd been partnered permanently, Ty hadnt been with anyone else, period. Ty knew it was just a simple kiss, but for him there was no gray area when it came to sex. Either you cheated or you didnt.
He didnt believe Zane was f**king anyone else, but just the thought made Ty cringe. It seemed so unlikely, since they were together so much… but really they weren’t. Obstacles and commitments separated them every day: different projects at work, the softball league, AA meetings, Tys running and Zanes weightlifting, various and sundry other off-hours pursuits. Throw in the very necessary secrecy that shrouded their relationship, and it was kind of amazing that they were still together at all. But they were, every night that work allowed, despite everything that tried to divide them.
Ty didnt know if Zane wanted his loyalty, but he had it nonetheless. Semper Fi. The real question Ty found himself grappling over was how Zane would take it when he told him about tonight. Would he see it as a threat? Emotional blackmail? Ty didnt think so, but hed found there were still times he couldnt predict how Zane would react.
It was dark and quiet in the house. Zane must have gone to bed. A wave of desperate relief washed over Ty, and within minutes he was sitting on the back step with a cheap cigar and a couple of bottles to help extend the buzz and ward off the winter chill.
Uncounted minutes later, his entire body still pinged pleasantly, courtesy the two hard lemonades on top of the beer hed had at the bar. He was just drunk enough that he didnt have to think too hard about what had happened tonight anymore. He held the cheap cigar in his fingers, puffing on it occasionally and blowing smoke rings into the dark. He didnt like to smoke the good ones when he was drunk. It seemed a waste.
The door behind him creaked open, drawing Tys attention, and he closed his eyes as Zane stepped out onto the stoop. Nerves assaulted him all over again.
“Ty?” Zane asked hesitantly. “Yeah, Im here,” he answered immediately, not even entertaining the idea of not doing so. He had yet to take advantage of his partners inability to see, even for fun and games. He wasnt about to start now.
Zane stepped just outside the door. “I smelled the cigar. You guys have a good time?” Ty lowered his head as another wave of guilt and anger and regret and desire coursed through him. It was such a wash of confusing emotions he wasnt quite sure how to deal with it, and the alcohol wasnt helping. He looked back up and took another drag of the cigar, holding in the fragrant smoke and then exhaling heavily. Smoke billowed out in front of him. “I outed myself tonight,” he told Zane in a marginally surprised voice.
Zanes eyes widened as his unfocused gaze shifted in Tys direction. “What?” “I told them,” Ty said in the same shocked voice as he looked up at Zane. “About us. There was this pretty little waitress and….” He shook his head and looked off to the side, as if trying to figure out how it had happened. “I told them I wasnt interested,” he tried to explain before putting the cigar to his lips again. He looked down, embarrassed to have to say it again. “They called me on it, and I told them I was in love.”
Zane shifted uncomfortably as he slid his hands into his pockets. He didnt have a jacket on, just a thin, long-sleeved Henley. “Howd they take it?”
Ty shook his head, looking at the cigar with a heavy feeling that settled deep in his chest. He couldnt shake the memory of the look of disgust and anger on Owens face.
“Owen stormed out of the bar,” he answered in a hoarse voice, pushing those feelings away for another day. “Apparently being g*y makes you incapable of having someones back in a fight,” he said bitterly. Zanes shoulders stiffened, and he frowned deeply, his lips pressing together hard. Ty nodded, flushing and looking away from Zane again. “The others took it pretty well,” he went on, swallowing heavily. “Kelly was… very interested in the logistics of it all.”
He took another long drag. He didnt plan on telling Zane what the other men thought of him. He knew Zane hadnt been in top form when theyd met him. He knew that wasnt the real Zane theyd seen, the Zane that Ty loved.
He closed his eyes, heat coursing through him once more as he remembered the way Nicks lips had felt against his. The embrace had felt right, in a way, at the same time as it felt so very wrong to be kissing anyone but Zane.
But two years ago, if Nick had kissed him like that…. Ty shook his head to push away that line of thought. He could torture himself endlessly with uncertainties and questions. Should he tell Zane what had happened? Would it sound like a threat? Would it seem like Ty was giving him an ultimatum? Tell me you love me, too, or I’m leaving?
Ty didnt want that, and he would never do that. But not telling Zane about the kiss felt just as wrong. It felt like… cheating. “Nick kissed me,” he blurted to Zane as he looked up at him. Zane froze utterly, like he did when he was very upset… or very angry. Then he tipped his head just a bit, the motion indicating he wanted Ty to keep talking.
Ty shook his head, still in slight disbelief over the tale he was relating. He was sure he wouldnt have been able to do it if Zane could actually see him. “We were walking home because he was sort of… I thought he was drunk, but….” He trailed off and shook his head again, unable to meet Zanes sightless eyes as his cheeks flushed. “One minute he was ranting about risking your life for your country and being able to tell your friends the truth, and the next he was looking at me… and he kissed me,” he rambled helplessly, telling the story with a variety of hand motions and numb, helpless looks up at Zane.
“And then?” Zane asked softly. Ty stared at Zanes blank face, wondering at the emotionless reaction. It was like he was just relating another night on the town to his partner, instead of telling his lover about a kiss shared with someone else. He knew closing off like this was how Zane reacted to being devastated, but it still hurt Ty deeply. Why did Zane still have to hide from him?
It took him a long, painful moment to push the twisting sensation in his gut back down. Somewhere out there Nick OFlaherty was lying in a hotel bed alone, wondering if hed done the right thing, hoping Ty would call him, hoping Ty wouldn’t call him, thinking about what might have happened if theyd just told each other the truth eight years ago when theyd been discharged. Somewhere out there was a man Ty didnt have to put up a front of strength for. Someone he didnt have to fight with day in and day out. Someone hed always liked and respected. Someone he didnt love but could surely f**k until sunup every night and no doubt be happy and angst-free with for the rest of his life. Nick and Zane were as different as the sun and the moon.