I sigh deeply. “Because what I said was stupid. You didn’t need to hear that while you’re trying to get better. I had no right to judge you or be a bitch.” I pause. “A heartless bitch.”
His face softens. “Kind of a theme with you, huh? Judging people.”
If he wants to be a smartass, I’ll be a smartass right back. “Not people. Just you.”
His lips twitch. “What you got in that basket?” Not a second later, his stomach rumbles. Loudly.
I grin. “Got your appetite back?”
“Yeah. The shakes stopped this morning. I feel pretty average though, but at least I’m not puking anymore.”
“That’s great. Really. You’re handling this better than most. I’m sure.” No thanks to me. “You should be proud.” I’m almost shocked that I mean it.
His hands moves to gently scratch at his bandage and I know he thinks I’m talking shit. I don’t know what possesses me but I let him in on a secret. “You’re not the only person who f**ks up, you know. We all do. It’s part of being human. You have to learn to forgive yourself and get past it or it’ll eat you alive.” I hadn’t meant for that to sound so shaky.
He breathes deeply and then replies on an exhale, “You make it sound like you’ve done worse.”
My face remains void when I answer softly, “We’ve all made mistakes.”
His arms rise and he crosses them behind his head. He utters, “Okay. Tell me something you’ve done that was f**ked up.”
I know what he’s doing. He’s baiting me to see if I’ll answer him. He’s testing me.
Moving to the edge of his bed, I sit down, away from him and start, “I’ve been here forever. This has been my home since I was just a baby. Father Robert took me in and I knew my life would always be this church.”
“Were you forced into becoming a nun?” He actually sounds concerned.
“No. Absolutely not. In fact, Father Robert tried to talk me out of it multiple times. He thought I was only doing it to make him happy. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve gone up to my room to find college brochures there. He just wants me to be happy. And I am. But for a while there, I was really confused about what I wanted.”
I don’t know how to explain it any other way than just telling it straight. “You see, when I was sixteen, I started seeing a guy. An older guy. He was a bad guy.” I swallow hard as I think about James and try to tell my story in a vague way, hiding most of the details. “I was young and thought I knew what love was. I hid my relationship from everyone because it’s forbidden for a training nun, and I convinced myself that he was it.”
After a moments silence, Xavier prompts, “What happened?”
“Father Robert found out.” I chuckle humourlessly and scratch absently at my chest. “It was f**ked. Beyond f**ked. I was in a lot of trouble. Years of trust flew out the door. Everyone was so disappointed in me.” My voice turns to a hush. “I hated myself.”
Xavier sits up straighter. That definitely got his attention. “What happened to the guy?”
What happened to the guy?
My mind takes me back to that day.
James pulls me closer to him, his warm lips brush over mine and my knees weaken. I’m so in love with this man. I would do anything for him.
Anything.
“I love you, Cat.” I smile against his lips. He smiles, too, and then whispers, “I’m gonna marry you one day.”
My stomach dips. I’m so happy I could burst.
He wraps his arms tighter around my waist and pulls me deeper into his lap. I feel the thickness of his erection right up against my most private place and sigh. I’m so wet. I want more but James won’t let me.
He says it’ll happen when it’s meant to happen and we have no need to rush. We’ll be together forever. We have a lifetime of lovemaking ahead of us. And it’s going to be amazing.
We’re becoming more and more desperate to see each other. Tonight, James has become so desperate that he’s snuck into the church grounds, behind the building by the kitchen’s entrance. We sit on the bench under the oak and kiss furiously. Frantically. As if this will be the last time we see each other.
Who knew it would be the last time?
Ironic, huh?
I bite the inside of my cheek. My heart pounds. I try something I’ve never done before.
Reaching between us, I gently stroke his hard length over his jeans.
His mouth parts, his hazel eyes close and he mutters, “Oh, baby.”
That being all the encouragement I need, I become braver. My strokes become bolder, albeit jerky, but he seems to be enjoying what I want to give.
He runs a hand through his constantly chaotic light brown hair and lies back on the bench, allowing me better access. I stroke slowly but firmly. He lets me explore on my own a while before he places his hand over mine and grips himself so tightly I’m sure it must hurt him. He groans and bucks into our hands. His pace quickens as does his breathing, and just when I’m sure he’s going to fall apart, I’m startled at the sound of someone behind us.
A growl, “Cat, what the f**k do you think you’re doing? What’s he doing here?”
Bob.
My heart pounds. I know I’ve f**ked up. Badly.
I jump off of James and he moves to stand too. He looks Bob in the eye and tells him, “I love her. I can’t help it. She loves me too. We’re gonna get married as soon as we can.”
Bob glares at him. “Of course you love her. Every person that meets Cat falls in love with her.” He sneers, “She’s everything you’re not. You don’t belong together. You’ll corrupt her. Then when you turn her into everything you hate, you’ll leave and blame it on her too.”
James shakes his head. “No. It’s not like that. I really love her.”
I stupidly add, “I love him, Bob.”
Bob ignores James and looks down at me like he doesn’t know me. “You don’t know what you’re saying. He’s a f**king criminal, Cat.” He runs his hands through his hair. “I don’t f**king believe this. How long has this been going on?” Before I have a chance to answer, he places his hands up in front of him. “Don’t answer that.” He looks at me stone-faced. “This ends. Tonight.”
My heart stops. “No.”
Bob’s jaw tics. “You listen to me, girl. You end it.”