Before he can answer, I’m out the door.
Chapter Thirteen
Have you ever been so embarrassed about something all you wanted to do was crawl in a hole and die?
Well, that’s exactly how I feel right now.
My feet move quickly up the stairs and down the hall to my room, where I throw open the door, close it behind me and lock it. I shrug out of my dress, humiliated at the fact I wore something special for a man who didn’t appreciate it. A man who didn’t want me.
I feel rejected for all the wrong reasons.
A day ago, Clark was just my friend. And without him even knowing, I have spent the last twenty-four hours contemplating our non-existent relationship beyond repair.
I quickly dress in plain black pyjama pants and a loose white tee; I slide on my slippers and retreat to a place I always feel welcome. Going the long way around to avoid our guests, I slip downstairs and out Bob’s private entrance to the side of the building. I tiptoe my way to the back entry, where my haven awaits me.
I shuffle over to the garden, but surprise has me screeching to a halt.
Clark sits at the bench by the tree beside my garden.
Sighing, I run my hand through my hair and take a small step forward. Clark sits with his elbows resting on his knees, his face in his hands. The sound of leaves crunching beneath my feet has Clark looking up at me. His eyes meet mine in an intense stare.
My heart rate spikes. “Hi.”
He looks at me a moment longer, and he looks at me as though I’m a stranger. “Hey.”
So very awkward.
Make it stop.
Clark doesn’t look up at me, but his voice comes out thick and low. “What’s happening with us, Cat?” When I don’t make an attempt to answer—because, quite frankly, I have no idea what to say—he sighs, “I know you know. Frankie warned me before I came out looking for you.”
I slowly make my way over to the bench and hesitantly sit by his side. I didn’t want to go here tonight, especially when Clark’s date is waiting for him inside, but there’s no avoiding it. “I don’t know anything. I thought she was joking.” I roll my eyes and nudge him gently with my shoulder. “You know how Frankie is; she’s sarcastic so often she even starts to believe her own bullshit.”
Much to my relief, he chuckles. “Yeah, I know, but she’s honest when counts.” He leans forward and places his elbows back onto his knees. “It’s true though; she wasn’t lying.” He turns his head and says sincerely, “I think I’m in love with you.”
My throat tightens, along with my gut. I’m finding it hard to breathe.
Love hasn’t worked out well for me in the past. It’s not something I associate with happy emotions.
“How do you know?” I whisper.
He barks out a humourless laugh. “I know, Cat. I just know,” he pauses, “or at least I thought I did. I’m not sure about anything anymore.” He looks over at me. “You know why I didn’t bring Michelle here earlier?”
I shake my head in complete silence.
He explains, “Because I wasn’t sure if I was in love with you, or if I was in love with Cat from three years ago.” He breathes deeply and continues on an exhale, “Then you came back to Mirage, and all these feelings came rushing back from where I hid them, but I was already seeing Michelle. I didn’t want to be unfair to her, so I delayed her meeting you all. So when I finally decided to bring her down here to meet you guys, Frankie took the opportunity to spill her guts to you, and when we got here, you start acting like a little kid who had to share her favourite toy.”
I flush and glare all at once. “I did not!”
He smirks. “You did, Cat. You really did.” Placing my hands on the bench, I bite my lip to stop myself from getting defensive. A warm hand comes over mine, and I look up into Clark’s eyes. He utters, “It’s okay. I would’ve done the same thing.”
My gaze moves to my garden—my pride and joy—and without permission, my mouth opens and reveals things I never intended to share. “I had the biggest crush on you.” I smile into the night. “You were my guy, but you didn’t even know it. I was fifteen when I saw you for the first time. I knew what Mirage was and why you were there, but I was never allowed near you, and I think in a lot of ways that made you safe. You were a really safe person for me to have a crush on.”
He smiles sadly, and I know this isn’t something he wants to hear.
I go on, “Then came time for my first initiation mission, and I had to work with you. And when I got to know you...” I pause for a moment, unsure if I want to tell him anymore. Acting against my gut feeling, I tell him honestly, “...I thought you were amazing, everything a girl could ever want in a guy. You were super smart and sweet. You were attentive and gave me your time, and I,” I swallow hard and whisper, “I was in love with you, for a very long time.”
Clark sucks in a quick breath. I can feel his eyes on me when he mutters, “I feel like there’s a but in there somewhere.”
A small smile tilts my lips. “But a lot has happened. It’s been years, and what happened with James...it hurt. There was a long time where I questioned my every feeling, because it felt like everything was a lie, and...” my heart sinks as I realise now is the time to be honest, cruelly so, “...and I forgot about you. You drifted into the background. I was locked out of Mirage and focused on training. I didn’t want to love you anymore, and subconsciously, I think I stopped.”
The silence wraps around us in a cocoon of discomfort, but if I have to be here with anyone, I’m glad it’s with Clark. He has a way of making a person feel better, just by doing nothing other than being in their presence.
A minute passes. Then two. Finally, he speaks gently, “This is so f**ked up.”
That being the farthest thing from what I imagined he would say, a startled laugh flies out of me. Relief loosens some of the tension in my chest. “Yeah. It is. Fucked. Totally.”
Clark smiles that mischievous smile I love and mutters, “God, it was fun watching you be all jealous over me.”
Infuriating man. “I was not jealous.”
He bumps me with his shoulder. “You were. Which brings up the questions: why were you jealous, and why do you care so much?”
Frustration causes me to bark out, “I don’t care!”
In a moment of serene clarity, my mind’s eye winks at me as the answer is presented plain and simple.