The look in Slade’s eyes was almost enough to convince me he wanted me. I could see the struggle within himself while he was asking me to stay. Asking a girl to stay with him is not something he’s used to. I think we both know that it wouldn’t last. I couldn’t commit myself to the pain of losing a man as great as him. I already feel attached and I barely know him. I can’t even imagine how I could feel in a few months. I would fall hard and fast . . . right on my face.
I have to go. Home is where I need to be.
I already know that Jay is outside because I hear a car door slam. He’s most likely opening the trunk for my luggage. I just hope Slade didn’t hear it, because I can’t face seeing the hurt in his eyes. He didn’t speak to me the whole way back to the house. It killed me. I just need to slip out of here unnoticed. I can’t let my heart break anymore tonight.
I grab my suitcase, stand up and drag it over to the door. When I open the door, I look around but don’t see Slade anywhere. I should be happy.
Right?
I find myself standing here for a moment, not wanting to move. I feel stuck. I allow myself a few moments of pity, suck it up and make my way outside. The first thing I notice is that Slade’s motorcycle is gone. Not sure how I missed him leaving, but he’s gone and the ache in my chest returns. I’ll probably never see him again. The thought kills me.
Why does it hurt so much? Why do I wish he was here so I could see him one last time?
Jay stands next to the trunk, but doesn’t make a move to help me as I drag my suitcase across the ground. Usually, this wouldn’t bother me because I’m used to him being this way, but right now, it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Slade may be all tough and closed off, but he would help me without a second thought. I know that and I love that about him. He’s more than what he shows the world. There’s a really great side to him that I love and want more of.
Dammit, this is so hard.
I feel numb and closed off as I step up beside Jay and look at him. I thought I would be happy for this moment . . . but I’m not. I’m f**king miserable right now. Seeing him is doing nothing but making me angry. The feeling of wanting to kiss him has now been replaced with wanting to punch him. Unlike Slade, he wouldn’t get off on it.
Fucking Slade. Why can’t I stop thinking about him?
I stop and look around as if I expect Slade to just pull up on his bike, jump off and kiss me; save me from this possible mistake. The thought gives me the ultimate rush like it did when he kissed me in the bar with the assumption that guy was trying to pick me up. I loved that. It made me feel sexy and wanted. Something I’ve never really felt with Jay.
What the hell is wrong with me?
“Come on,” he says while looking down at his phone impatiently. “I have to be to work early and it’s a long drive.”
I let out a soft breath and struggle with tossing my suitcase into the back. He doesn’t even notice. He’s too busy on his damn phone. I really feel a lot of hate for him right now; enough to almost stay.
I get ready to say something, but he looks up and smiles. It’s the sweet smile that I fell in love with. “Missed you, gorgeous.”
I feel a little bit of my anger fade, but not enough. “I missed you too,” I say while shutting the trunk and walking over to get inside the car. I feel like shit because to be honest with myself, I don’t mean it; not one bit of me.
I just hope I’m not making the biggest mistake of my life
Chapter Seventeen
Slade
Two weeks later . . .
It’s been two weeks since Aspen left and I still feel like the biggest ass for not fighting harder for her to stay. The one thing that made my life worth a shit I let slip through my fingers. I couldn’t even face her. Instead, I left. I couldn’t stand to stick around while she packed her shit to leave. I f**king left and rode for hours just thinking back on my life and all the f**ked up things I have done over the past couple of years. It took her for me to realize that I’m not proud of what I’ve become; not one f**king bit. In the end I may not have her, but she has helped me in more ways than she knows and I will always be thankful for that.
I owe her a lot for finally waking me up and I still think about taking my ass to Rockford and showing her how much I have changed, but I know it would be pointless. She made up her mind. I don’t blame her for not wanting to give her heart to an ass**le like me. I meant what I said when I told her she deserves better than me. We both knew that. That’s why she left. She did what she had to do to protect her heart. She could probably see that things would turn out disastrous. She chose to stay far away from me; choosing to walk away when I couldn’t.
It’s a Friday night at Walk of Shame and I’m working the bar with Sarah. Hemy and Cale are working on training some new kid, Stone, or some shit. The kid looks like he’s having a f**king blast; probably fresh out of school and dying to get his unexperienced c**k wet. He’s like the old version of me: dark, dirty and out for a good f**k. Well, this kid is in for the ride of his life here.
“You okay, Slade?”
I lean against the bar next to Sarah and nudge her with my shoulder. “Don’t I look it,” I ask teasingly. “You’ve been asking me that practically every f**king day. You’re starting to sound like a damn broken record.”
She lets out a little laugh and squeezes my arm. “It’s f**king weird,” she says.
“What?”
“Not having you out there. How am I supposed to get used to this shit? You not taking down every woman in your path or slamming back shots and getting naked. It’s a big f**king change. Are you sure you’re okay? Have you talked to-”
“Don’t even bring her up, Sarah.” I take a deep breath and slowly exhale. “I’m cool, okay. It’s just going to take a little while to get used to the changes. You can’t expect me to do this forever. I just need a change of scenery.”
She nods as I walk away to help a young woman waving me over with a flirtatious smile. She’s beautiful; long brown hair, big blue eyes and a body you just want to taste and f**k. You would think she would be enough to tempt me back into my old ways, but no. Surprisingly, she does nothing for me. I’m not sure how the f**k to feel about that. All I know . . . is that I’m feeling for the first time in years. It’s a scary feeling, but I think I’m going to go along for the ride; I have to.