I rock my hips against River and he groans, his hand sliding down the front of my neck to my breast. I’ll admit it, despite my distrust for him, it still feels so good. Makes my body yearn for more. But right as he’s about to brush his fingers across my nipple, I snatch hold of his wrist and bite his bottom lip. This time he moans out in pain and I feel satisfied. In control. I almost own him. But not completely. I need to own him completely to feel in control again.
The memory starts to become hazy as I straighten up my posture. “Did you like it?” I ask River, my lips moving on their own accord, completely separated from my mind. I’m not Maddie at the moment. Not Lily either. But some weird in between person where both of us have control.
He seems apprehensive with my question, like he wants to pull his hand away, but doesn’t dare. “I don’t know, Maddie… It was different.”
My brow meticulously arches. “Different good or different bad? Tell me River, did you like it when I was rough?” My tone is demanding and I press my fingertips roughly into his wrist, until I can feel his pulse hammering, hammering, hammering. He’s afraid.
Good.
But I feel wrong for making him afraid. For hurting him.
That’s because you’re weak. You need to be stronger, like me.
Pitter-patter… pitter-patter… pitter-patter… I can feel the rain falling… hear the thunder… feel the fear… Feel it… it’s clutching onto me and I want nothing more than to not feel it.
Let me help you, Lily coaxes. Let me show you how to be immune to the pain.
“Maddie, you’re hurting me.”
The sound of the pain in River’s voice snaps me back to reality and I jolt back, releasing my hold on him. “I’m sorry.” Get up and leave. No more questions. “I need to get home.” I practically jump to my feet as I summon up every ounce of energy I have to shove Lily away.
River stands up, too. “Do you need a ride?” He tucks a strand of my sweaty hair behind my ear again in an affectionate way that makes me want to drop to my knees again and vomit some more. Don’t touch me, I almost lose my voice again and growl at him, but I manage to regain control and snap my jaw shut.
“No thanks. My car’s outside,” I manage to say politely, straining to ignore vertigo when it slaps me in the face. I feel like I’m slowly leaving my body and someone else is taking over my legs.
He follows me as I hurry to the bathroom, feeling hollow inside as I trudge down the hallway, desperately trying to summon up last nights memory of when I went down it and then locked myself in the freezer. Just like the first time I lost my memory there’s no spark of anything, only this time there’s no accident and I can still remember everything else, except for part of last night.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” River asks as I grab my bag from the cubby and head for the front door. The fresh air out front feels weird and my stomach still feels like it’s on fire.
I turn around, hitching my bag over my shoulder. “Actually, do you know if anyone else was in here at all this morning? Or if you saw me with anyone wandering in the direction of the freezer?”
“No, not that I’m aware of…” He skims the bar, chairs turned up onto the tables, floors swept, the air smelling of Clorox. Someone has cleaned up in here and closed up, which is usually Bella’s and my job. And Bella would have a fit if she did it on her own. In fact, I once asked to get out of it, leave early, and she took off out the front door so I’d be the one to do it—and she barely helps out when she does stay. His attention lands back on me. “Why are you asking about the freezer?”
“It’s where I woke up this morning.” As soon as the words leave my lips, I want to retract them. He shouldn’t know that. It’s weird. Crazy. I’m crazy. He’s going to see the crazy in me.
“You woke up in the freezer? Jesus. How long were you in it?” He scans my body as he continues to scratch at his arms. It doesn’t make any sense—why I can’t at least remember that part. I know I couldn’t have gotten that drunk after I left his office, but I can’t even remember going back up. I’m concerned that maybe all those thoughts about letting Lily take over finally might have made it happen. Perhaps that’s why she’s being so calm about this. Maybe when I blacked out, I turned into her. God, what if I turned into her?
“I’m not sure…. Who cleaned up here last night?” I ask, hugging my arms around myself.
“Bella, I think… Leon was here pretty late too,” he says and I swear he flinches when he says Leon’s name.” I think he might have a thing for her or something because I don’t remember him being that motivated to help out before. But then again, it’s been a while.”
“How long has it been since you’ve seen him?”
“Oh, I’d say about ten years or so,” he says with a shrug. “But even so, he’d pretty much just stop by as he was driving through town. I think he’s kind of a drifter or something. Never stays in one place too long.”
I try to recollect meeting this Leon person, the alleged trafficker, but I’m drawing a blank, yet at the same time it feels like I met him.
River crosses his arms, studying me. “Maddie, are you sure you’re okay? You seem, I don’t know…” He extends his arm toward me and brushes his finger down my cheekbone. “A little confused. Nervous. Lost.”
“I’m fine. I promise. I just need to go home and get some rest,” I assure him, moving away from his touch. Then I swing around him and push out the front door before I can say anything more. The last thing I want to do is discuss in details what’s going on inside my head right now. I just want to remember what I did and why the f**k I woke up in the freezer with blood all over my arms… why I’m hearing voices outside of my head… more than just Lily’s…
Swirling in my own confusion, I make my way across the parking lot. Fuck, it’s bright out here. And my ears and head are ringing. Plus the chilled air is stinging against my skin. I’m rummaging in my bag for keys, when I stumble across a white button shaped like a heart and an oval bright red one. I shake my head. Even in a drunken stupor, the obsession still gets to me. I stuff the buttons in my pocket and then start digging around for my car keys again. I’m pulling out the contents—lipstick, brush, a pack of cigarettes—when I notice red and blue flashing lights in the parking lot across the street at the One Stop Quickie Mart. Cop cars are parked in it, an ambulance, people crowding around, gawking. I know that scene. Something bad has happened and I want—I need—to know what it is. I’m not even sure if it’s an obsession this time. More like a need to find out if I’m connected to it at all. Lily grows extremely silent almost like she’s left my body entirely.