Lenny turned to me. I let my head drop back. I had hoped that today would be the end of my journey. But it wasn’t.
After a while, I said, “Let’s go.”
Chapter 45
When we gotback to the Airport Marriott, I told Lenny to go home. He said he would stay. I told him that I could handle this on my own—that Iwanted to handle this on my own. He reluctantly agreed.
I called Rachel. She was doing well. I told her what had happened. “Call Harold Fisher,” I said. “Ask him to do a thorough background check on Abe and Lorraine Tansmore. I want to know if there’s something there.”
“Okay,” she said softly. “I wish I could be there.”
“Me too.”
I sat on my bed. My head dropped into my hands. I don’t think I cried. I don’t know what I felt anymore. It was over. I had learned as much as I would. When Rachel called back two hours later, nothing she told me was a surprise. Abe and Lorraine were solid citizens. Abe was the first person in his family to graduate college. He had two younger sisters who lived in the area. Both had three children. He had met Lorraine during their freshman year at Washington University in St. Louis.
Night fell. I stood and looked in the mirror. My wife had tried to kill me. Yes, she was unstable. I knew that now. Hell, I probably knew it then. I didn’t much care, I guess. When a child’s face breaks, I put it back together. I can do miracles in the surgical room. But my own family fell apart and I did nothing but watch.
I thought now about what it meant to be a father. I loved my daughter. I know that. But when I saw Abe today, when I see Lenny coaching soccer, I wonder. I wonder about my fitness. I wonder about my commitment. And I wonder if I am worthy.
Or do I already know the answer?
I wanted so badly to have my little girl back with me. I also wanted so badly for this not to be about me or my wants.
Tara had looked so damn happy.
It was midnight now. I looked at myself in the mirror again. What if leaving this alone—letting her stay with Abe and Lorraine—was the right thing? Was I really brave enough, strong enough, to walk away? I kept staring in the mirror, challenging myself. Was I?
I lay back. I think I fell asleep. A knock on the door startled me awake. I glanced at the digital clock next to my bed. It read 5:19A .M.
“I’m sleeping,” I said.
“Dr. Seidman?”
It was a male voice.
“Dr. Seidman, my name is Abe Tansmore.”
I opened the door. He was handsome up close, in a sort of James Taylor way. He wore jeans and a tan shirt. I looked at his eyes. They were blue but tinged with red. So, I knew, were mine. For a long time, we just stared at one another. I tried to speak, but I couldn’t. I stepped back and let him in.
“Your lawyer stopped by. He”—Abe stopped, swallowed hard—“he told us the whole story. Lorraine and I stayed up all night. We talked it out. We cried a lot. But I think we knew right from the get-go that there was only one decision here.” Abe Tansmore was trying to hold on, but he was losing it now. He closed his eyes. “We have to give you your daughter back.”
I didn’t know what to say. I shook my head. “We have to do what’s best for her.”
“That’s what I’m doing, Dr. Seidman.”
“Call me Marc. Please.” It was a dumb thing to say. I know that. But I wasn’t ready for this. “If you’re worried about a long, drawn-out court case, Lenny shouldn’t have—”
“No, that’s not it.”
We stood there a little longer. I pointed toward the chair in the room. He shook his head. Then he looked at me. “All night, I’ve been trying to imagine your pain. I don’t think I can. I think there are places a man just can’t get to without experience. Maybe this is one of them. But your pain, awful as it must be, that’s not why Lorraine and I came to this decision. And it’s not because we blame ourselves either. In hindsight, maybe we should have wondered what was going on. We went to Mr. Bacard. But the fees would have added up to over a hundred thousand dollars. I’m not a rich man. I couldn’t afford that. Then a few weeks later, Mr. Bacard calls us. He said he had a baby that needed immediate placing. She wasn’t a newborn, he said. The mother had just abandoned her. We knew something was not quite right, but he said that if we wanted this, we’d have to go in no questions asked.”
He looked off then. I watched his face. “I think deep down, maybe we always knew. We just couldn’t face it. But that’s not the reason we came to this decision either.”
I swallowed. “What then?”
His eyes drifted toward mine. “You can’t do the wrong thing for the right reason.” I must have looked confused. “If Lorraine and I don’t do this, we’re not fit to raise her. We want Natasha to be happy. We want her to be a good person.”
“You might be the best ones to make that happen.”
He shook his head. “That’s not how it works. We don’t give children to whatever parents would be best to raise them. You and I can’t make that judgment. You don’t know how hard this is for us. Or maybe you do.”
I turned away. I caught my reflection in the mirror. Just for a second. Less maybe. But it was enough. I saw the man I was. I saw the man I wanted to be. I turned to him and said, “I want us both to raise her.”
He was stunned. So was I. “I’m not sure I understand,” he said.
“Neither do I. But that’s what we’re going to do.”
“How?”
“I don’t know.”
Abe shook his head. “It can’t work. You know that.”
“No, Abe, I don’t know that. I came here to bring my daughter home—and I find that maybe she already is. Is it right for me to rip her away from that? I want you both in her life. I’m not saying it’ll be easy. But kids are raised by single parents, by stepparents, in foster homes. There are divorces and separations and who-knows-what. We all love this little girl. We’ll make it work.”
I saw the hope return to the man’s thin face. He couldn’t speak for a few seconds. Then he said, “Lorraine is in the lobby. Can I go talk to her?”
“Of course.”
They didn’t take long. There was a knock on my door. When I opened it, Lorraine threw her arms around me. I hugged her back, this woman I had never met. Her hair smelled of strawberry. Behind her, Abe came into the room. Tara was sleeping in his arms. Lorraine let go of me and moved away. Abe stepped closer. He handed me my daughter carefully. I held her, and my heart burst into flame. Tara began to stir. She started to fuss. I still held her. I rocked her back and forth and made shushing sounds.