Kamal shifts in his chair, he nods, slowly. He doesn’t say anything. This means I’m to go on, I’m to keep talking.
‘I was actually really happy there, with Mac. I lived with him for … God, it was about three years, I think, in the end. I was … nineteen when I left. Yeah. Nineteen.’
‘Why did you leave, if you were happy there?’ he asks me. We’re there now, we got there quicker than I thought we would. I haven’t had time to go through it all, to build up to it. I can’t do it. It’s too soon.
‘Mac left me. He broke my heart,’ I say, which is the truth, but also a lie. I’m not ready to tell the whole truth yet.
Scott isn’t home when I get back, so I get my laptop out and google him, for the first time ever. For the first time in a decade, I look for Mac. I can’t find him, though. There are hundreds of Craig McKenzies in the world, and none of them seems to be mine.
Friday, 8 February 2013
Morning
I’m walking in the woods. I’ve been out since before it got light, it’s barely dawn now, deathly quiet except for the occasional outburst of chatter from the magpies in the trees above my head. I can feel them watching me, beady-eyed, calculating. A tiding of magpies. One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret never to be told.
I’ve got a few of those.
Scott is away, on a course somewhere in Sussex. He left yesterday morning and he’s not back until tonight. I can do whatever I want.
Before he left, I told Scott I was going to the cinema with Tara after my session. I told him my phone would be off, and I spoke to her, too. I warned her that he might ring, that he might check up on me. She asked me, this time, what I was up to. I just winked and smiled and she laughed. I think she might be lonely, that her life could do with a bit of intrigue.
In my session with Kamal, we were talking about Scott, about the thing with the laptop. It happened about a week ago. I’d been looking for Mac – I’d done several searches, I just wanted to find out where he was, what he was up to. There are pictures of almost everyone on the internet these days, and I wanted to see his face. I couldn’t find him. I went to bed early that night. Scott stayed up watching TV, and I’d forgotten to delete my browser history. Stupid mistake – it’s usually the last thing I do before I shut down my computer, no matter what I’ve been looking at. I know Scott has ways of finding what I’ve been up to anyway, being the techie he is, but it takes a lot longer, so most of the time he doesn’t bother.
In any case, I forgot. And the next day, we got into a fight. One of the bruising ones. He wanted to know who Craig was, how long I’d been seeing him, where we met, what he did for me that Scott didn’t do. Stupidly, I told Scott that he was a friend from my past, which only made it worse. Kamal asked me if I was afraid of Scott, and I got really pissed off.
‘He’s my husband,’ I snapped. ‘Of course I’m not afraid of him.’
Kamal looked quite shocked. I actually shocked myself. I hadn’t anticipated the force of my anger, the depth of my protectiveness towards Scott. It was a surprise to me, too.
‘There are many women who are frightened of their husbands, I’m afraid, Megan.’ I tried to say something, but he held up his hand to silence me. ‘The behaviour you’re describing – reading your emails, going through your internet browser history – you describe all this as though it is commonplace, as though it is normal. It isn’t, Megan. It isn’t normal to invade someone’s privacy to that degree. It’s what is often seen as a form of emotional abuse.’
I laughed then, because it sounded so melodramatic. ‘It isn’t abuse,’ I told him. ‘Not if you don’t mind. And I don’t. I don’t mind.’
He smiled at me then, a rather sad smile. ‘Don’t you think you should?’ he asked.
I shrugged. ‘Perhaps I should, but the fact is, I don’t. He’s jealous, he’s possessive. That’s the way he is. It doesn’t stop me loving him, and some battles aren’t worth fighting. I’m careful – usually. I cover my tracks, so it isn’t usually an issue.’
He gave a little shake of the head, almost imperceptible.
‘I didn’t think you were here to judge me,’ I said.
When the session ended, I asked him if he wanted to have a drink with me. He said no, he couldn’t, it wouldn’t be appropriate. So I followed him home. He lives in a flat just down the road from the practice. I knocked on his door, and when he opened it, I asked, ‘Is this appropriate?’ I slipped my hand around the back of his neck, stood on tiptoe and kissed him on the mouth.
‘Megan,’ he said, voice like velvet. ‘Don’t. I can’t do this. Don’t.’
It was exquisite, that push and pull, desire and restraint. I didn’t want to let the feeling go, I wanted so badly to be able to hold on to it.
I got up in the early hours of the morning, head spinning, full of stories. I couldn’t just lie there, awake, alone, my mind ticking over all those opportunities which I could take or leave, so I got up and got dressed and started walking. Found myself here. I’ve been walking around and playing things back in my head – he said, she said, temptation, release; if only I could settle on something, choose to stick, not twist. What if the thing I’m looking for can never be found? What if it just isn’t possible?
The air is cold in my lungs, the tips of my fingers are turning blue. Part of me just wants to lie down here, among the leaves, let the cold take me. I can’t. It’s time to go.
It’s almost nine by the time I get back to Blenheim Road and as I turn the corner I see her, coming towards me, pushing the buggy in front of her. The child, for once, is silent. She looks at me and nods and gives me one of those weak smiles, which I don’t return. Usually, I would pretend to be nice, but this morning I feel real, like myself. I feel high, almost like I’m tripping, and I couldn’t fake nice if I tried.
Afternoon
I fell asleep in the afternoon. I woke feverish, panicky. Guilty. I do feel guilty. Just not guilty enough.
I thought about him leaving in the middle of the night, telling me, once again, that this was the last time, the very last time, we can’t do this again. He was getting dressed, pulling on his jeans. I was lying on the bed and I laughed, because that’s what he said last time, and the time before, and the time before that. He shot me a look. I don’t know how to describe it, it wasn’t anger, exactly, not contempt – it was a warning.