“Lovely fresh dreams. First-class nightmares. We got ‘em. Get yer lovely nightmares here.”
“Weapons! Arm yourself! Defend your cellar, cave, or hole! You want to hit ‘em? We got ‘em. Come on darling, come on over here . . . “
“Rubbish!” screamed a fat, elderly woman, in Richard’s ear, as he passed her malodorous stall. “Junk!” she continued. “Garbage! Trash! Offal! Debris! Come and get it! Nothing whole or undamaged! Crap, tripe, and useless piles of shit. You know you want it.”
A man in armor beat a small drum and chanted, “Lost Property. Roll up, roll up, and see for yourself. Lost property. None of your found things here. Everything guaranteed properly lost.”
Richard wandered through the huge rooms of the store, like a man in a trance. He was unable to even guess how many people there were at the night market. A thousand? Two thousand? Five thousand?
One stall was piled high with bottles, full bottles and empty bottles of every shape and every size, from bottles of booze to one huge glimmering bottle that could have contained nothing but a captive djinn; another sold lamps with candles, made of many kinds of wax and tallow; a man thrust what appeared to be a child’s severed hand clutching a candle toward him as he passed, muttering, “Hand of Glory, sir? Send ‘em up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire. Guaranteed to work.” Richard hurried past, not wishing to find out what a Hand of Glory was, nor how it worked; he passed a stall selling glittering gold and silver jewelry, another selling jewelry made from what looked like the valves and wires of antique radios; there were stalls that sold every manner of book and magazine; others that sold clothes—old clothes patched, and mended, and made strange; several tattooists; something that he was almost certain was a small slave market (he kept well clear of this); a dentist’s chair, with a hand-operated manual drill, with a line of miserable people standing beside it, waiting to have their teeth pulled or filled by a young man who seemed to be having altogether too good a time; a bent old man selling unlikely things that might have been hats and might have been modern art; something that looked very much like a portable shower facility; even a blacksmith’s . . .
And every few stalls there would be somebody selling food. Some of them had food cooking over open fires: curries, and potatoes, and chestnuts, and huge mushrooms, and exotic breads. Richard found himself wondering why the smoke from the fires didn’t set off the building’s sprinkler system. Then he found himself wondering why no one was looting the store: why set up their own little stalls? Why not just take things from the shop itself? He knew better, at this point, than to risk asking anyone . . . He seemed marked as a man from London Above, and thus worthy of great suspicion.
There was something deeply tribal about the people, Richard decided. He tried to pick out distinct groups: there were the ones who looked like they had escaped from a historical reenactment society; the ones who reminded him of hippies; the albino people in gray clothes and dark glasses; the polished, dangerous ones in smart suits and black gloves; the huge, almost identical women who walked together in twos and threes, and nodded when they saw each other; the tangle-haired ones who looked like they probably lived in sewers and who smelled like hell; and a hundred other types and kinds . . .
He wondered how normal London—his London—would look to an alien, and that made him bold. He began to ask them, as he went, “Excuse me? I’m looking for a man named de Carabas and a girl called Door. Do you know where I’d find them?” People shook their heads, apologized, averted their eyes, moved away.
Richard took a step back and stepped on someone’s foot. Someone was well over seven feet tall, and was covered in tufty ginger-colored hair. Someone’s teeth had been sharpened to points. Someone picked Richard up with a hand the size of a sheep’s head, and put Richard’s head so close to someone’s mouth that Richard almost gagged. “I’m really sorry,” said Richard. “I—I’m looking for a girl named Door. Do you know—” But someone dropped him onto the floor and moved on.
Another whiff of cooking food wafted across the floor, and Richard, who had managed to forget how hungry he was ever since he had declined the prime cut of tomcat—he could not think how many hours before—now found his mouth watering, and his thinking processes beginning to grind to a halt.
The iron-haired woman running the next food stall he approached did not reach to Richard’s waist. When Richard tried to talk to her, she shook her head, drew a finger across her lips. She could not talk, or did not talk, or did not want to talk. Richard found himself conducting the negotiations for a cottage cheese and lettuce sandwich and a cup of what looked and smelled like home-brewed lemonade, in sign language. His food cost him a ballpoint pen, and a book of matches he had forgotten he had. The little woman must have felt that she had got by far the better of the deal, for, as he took his food, she threw in a couple of small, nutty cookies.
Richard stood in the middle of the throng, listening to the music—someone was, for no reason that Richard could easily discern, singing the lyrics of “Greensleeves” to the tune of “Yakkety-Yak”—watching the bizarre bazaar unfold around him, and eating his sandwiches.
As he finished the last of the sandwiches, he realized that he had no idea how anything he had just eaten had tasted; and he resolved to slow down, and chew the cookies more slowly. He sipped the lemonade, making it last. “You need a bird, sir?” asked a cheery voice, close at hand. “I got rooks and ravens, crows and starlings. Fine, wise birds. Tasty and wise. Brilliant.”
Richard said, “No, thank you” and turned around.
The hand-painted sign above the stall said:
OLD BAILEY’S BIRDS AND INFORMATION
There were other, smaller, signs scattered about:
YOU WANTS IT, WE KNOWS IT, and YOU WON’T FIND A PLUMPER STARLING!!!! and WHEN IT’S TIME FOR A ROOK, IT’S TIME FOR OLD BAILEY!! Richard found himself thinking of the man he had seen when he had first come to London, who used to stand outside Leicester Square Tube station with a huge hand-painted sandwich board that exhorted the world to “Less Lust Through Less Protein, Eggs, Meat, Beans, Cheese and Sitting.”
Birds hopped and fluttered about small cages that looked as if they had been woven out of TV antennae. “Information, then?” continued Old Bailey, warming to his own sales-pitch. “Roof-maps? History? Secret and mysterious knowledge? If I don’t knows it, it’s probably better forgot. That’s what I says.” The old man still wore his feathered coat, was still wrapped about with ropes and cords. He blinked at Richard, then pulled on the pair of spectacles tied about his neck with string. He inspected Richard carefully through them. “Hang on—I knows you. You was with the marquis de Carabas. On the rooftops. Remember? Eh? I’m Old Bailey. Remember me?” He thrust out his hand, pumped Richard’s hand furiously.