He would take the blame for that. It wasn’t like he’d made a full-fledged effort to try and talk to her about it. Quite the opposite. Instead of telling her how he felt last night when they’d come back to his place, Xander had, for lack of a better term, chickened out.
And to make matters worse, Xander had convinced himself that she had needed some time and distance to sort through what she was feeling. So he’d left her alone.
“Why didn’t you say something?” she whispered.
He could barely make out her words, but he heard enough to process the question, but for the life of him, he wasn’t sure what exactly she was referring to. Surely she wasn’t asking why he hadn’t just come out and told her that he loved her and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Not after what had transpired at Devotion.
She must’ve realized he was at a loss because she continued. “Did you not even think to question what happened between us last night?”
Last night?
Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the sight of her tears, but Xander wasn’t functioning on all cylinders. He knew it wasn’t the alcohol because he hadn’t had enough to even get buzzed, much less enough to jumble his thoughts.
But seeing Mercedes cry… that was enough to tear him up inside. In all the time he’d known her, never once had he seen her cry.
“I didn’t have a reason to question last night,” he told her now, trying to put two and two together, but still coming up short. Sure, there were other nights he had thought to question, like the first time they made love, or every time after that.
“No? You used your safe word, Xander. You backed out of the scene, but you didn’t ask any questions.”
Xander stared at her. “Me? What about you? Did you think to question me? Did you think to ask why I couldn’t go through with it?”
“I did ask you why!” she countered. “You didn’t answer me.”
She was right. He hadn’t answered her. And for very good reason. The last damn thing he had wanted was to profess his love for her in a glass room at a fetish club. He had more class than that. “I didn’t want to say it then,” he admitted, realizing he was being vague.
“Why? Because I failed?” she asked on a sob. “Because I pushed too hard? I don’t blame you, Xander. I know I failed. I tried to manipulate the scene because I was invested, but I was too attached to see clearly.”
“That’s not why I used my safe word. I used it because I didn’t want to go any further. I didn’t want another woman, Mercedes. Don’t you understand that?” Xander moved closer because he couldn’t stand to be so far away from her.
“Stop,” she snapped, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “I don’t need your pity, Xander. I know what you think of me. I know you’re trying to find a way to let me down easy, but I’m here to tell you not to bother. Our five days are over. You win.”
“Win?” Xander couldn’t control his outrage. As his heart rate doubled, fear digging its talons deep into his soul, he swallowed, then bit out, “How the fuck do I win if you walk away?”
“You did what you set out to do. You proved that I’m submissive. I don’t hold a candle to you, Xander. I’m not built the way you are. I gave up too easily. So, yes, you were right.”
“I wasn’t out to prove anything,” Xander growled, ignoring her request for him to stay back. He moved until he was practically up against her. He tipped her chin with his finger, forcing her to look up at him. “I wanted to be close to you. You gave me that. So, if you want to think I won, then yes, maybe so. But only because I had you with me.
“You know me, Mercedes. You know how I think. I didn’t just come up with this out of the fucking blue. I found an opportunity, and I exploited it. That’s what I do. I go after what I want. And I want you. I’ve always wanted you.”
Mercedes honestly looked shocked by his admission. Xander inhaled deeply, lowered his voice and continued, “And after that first night at Devotion, I knew for a fact that what I felt for you was real. There was – no, there is – something between us, Mercedes. I’m not willing to ignore it any longer. That was the reason for this. Not because I wanted to prove something. I don’t give a damn about any of the rest of it. I care about you.” I love you, he thought to himself. He didn’t say the words because he knew she wouldn’t hear him. She didn’t want to hear him right now, he could see it in her eyes.
“But now you know how easy it was to get me to submit to you,” Mercedes responded, confusion riddling her words.