When he turned to her, she got sucked in by his gaze and had to fight the most insane urge not to fist his jacket and pull him close. For comfort.
For more.
The thought caused an inner heat barely doused by the cool flakes falling on them. But she couldn’t go there, couldn’t think about Adam like that, not with her dad still missing.
Actually, she shouldn’t think about Adam like that, ever. “So…to the caves?”
He turned away. “In the morning.”
Oh boy. “You mean—”
“It’s time to stop for the night.”
Something low in her belly quivered. Anxiety, absolutely. But also something else, something that had nothing to do with her missing dad. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“We’re going to find him.” His voice said there was no other acceptable option. “Just not until daylight.”
She stared out into the night, thinking of all the reasons why her dad hadn’t been in touch with her, not a single one of them good. She swallowed hard against the building fear and nodded. They were stopping for the night.
It was going to be a long one.
Eight
Adam gathered wood for a fire, keeping an eye on Holly. She was sitting on a log, hands clenched, staring down at her feet as if she wasn’t quite sure how they’d gotten her here.
She was cold, wet, and tired. He knew because he was those things, too. But discomfort was something he had learned to simply endure, and his own was insignificant compared to the discomfort and other various emotions pouring off the unusually silent woman in front of him.
The best thing he could do for them both was get the fire going, put food in their bellies, and make sure they got some sleep. It would also keep his mind off the fact that they were going to Kaniksu tomorrow.
The f**king caves.
He shook that off for now, he had no choice. They couldn’t both lose it at the same time. Not that he intended to lose it at all.
The fire only took a moment. Another to access the food he’d brought and push some of it on her. Water, too. The altitude could be a real killer if they didn’t stay hydrated. He was good at this part, at surviving. Even when others didn’t. What he wasn’t good at was emotions, and Holly was emitting them as fast and furious as the falling snowflakes. He sure as hell wasn’t in the mood to face yet another of his failures, but there she sat, his biggest one.
Needing him.
He, a man who could barely commit to a dental appointment much less another human being.
And yet he couldn’t fail her.
Not again.
He concentrated on Milo for a minute, getting him watered and fed. Checking his paws again, making sure everything was okay. When he’d finished bustling around like a damn housewife, he sat across the fire from Holly. Across was best. Far enough away that he wouldn’t be tempted to touch. Distance was the key here.
She appeared to be holding it together, but the cracks were showing. She was trying to be tough, trying to hold her own, and she was breaking his heart.
She lifted her head and stared at him with those gorgeous eyes. As always, her face and body language told him everything he needed to know about what she was thinking and feeling. She was upset, scared, unsettled, and…depending on him. There’d been a time where he’d have done anything to have her look at him like he was her everything. That time had passed. “It’s going to be okay,” he said, hoping to God that was true.
She nodded. Then shook her head. She put her hand to her chest. “I really thought we’d have found him by now.”
Aw, hell. He rose and moved to her side.
“I’m okay,” she said, breathless. “I think I’m just having a very mild, very overdue anxiety attack. Ignore me.”
Yeah, right. He reached out to pull her in, but a quick glance at her face confirmed how much of a mistake that would be. Smoothly he adapted and tossed another log into the fire instead.
A wolf howled and was joined by a few others, and Holly tensed, and then scooted closer while still managing not to actually touch him.
“The fire will keep them back,” he said.
“I know.” But her eyes darted to the forest beyond.
“You’re not breathing.”
“I am so.” She proved this by attempting to drag in a breath, which had her body brushing his. A quick tactile memory hit him, the feel of her warm skin and the soft weight of her br**sts in the palm of his hand. The taste of her pebbled nipple as he sucked her in his mouth. The sound of her ragged, aroused breathing in his ear…
The ragged breathing wasn’t a memory. She was going to hyperventilate. “Sometimes when people get anxious, they breathe too shallowly, from the upper chest. It’s a natural response to stress. But your body responds with an increase in blood pressure, and then even more stress hormones are released, so it’s counterproductive.”
“I’m not anxious,” she said.
She was sitting ramrod straight so she didn’t accidentally touch him. Respecting the space bubble, he kept his hands to himself. “Yeah, I can see that.”
She managed to roll her eyes, so she couldn’t be too far gone. “Okay,” she said. “So maybe I’m a little anxious.”
“Breathe deeper,” he said, and then, as had been done for him while in the midst of a knockout, drag-down anxiety attack of his own, he showed by example, inhaling deeply.
She attempted to do the same, the air catching in her lungs.
“Again,” he said.
She was cold and shivering. Fuck distance, he thought, and slipped an arm around her to impart some of his body heat.
She made a soft sound that he couldn’t even begin to interpret. Gratitude? Relief? Sorrow? He was completely out of practice in translating women sounds. “More deep breathing,” he said, and set a hand on her stomach. “Let your belly go soft and relaxed, and breathe from your lower abs.”
The wind picked up. She shivered again and he tightened his arm on her. Surprising him, she turned to face him and burrowed in.
Well, hell. He opened his jacket and pulled her in even closer. They were silent for long moments, until finally, he felt her relax.
“How did you learn that breathing thing?” she murmured.
“The hard way.” He paused. “In therapy, after I got back.”
“What else did you learn?”
He let out a mirthless laugh. “Patience.”
“Patience?” She gave him a wry grin. “I think I’m speechless.”
His mouth quirked. “I know. Miracles never cease.”
She stared into the fire and sighed, the sound filled with self-disgust. “I’m tougher than this.”
He shook his head. “Somehow it doesn’t matter how tough you are. You can be tough as hell and still be leveled flat without warning.”
She looked at him. “What do you do when you’re leveled flat?”
“You make a plan, you move on that plan, and you keep breathing.”
“I like the breathing part.” She drew in a couple of deep breaths. “Some sugar would be even better.”
He pulled a candy bar from his pocket.
She snatched it so fast he nearly lost his fingers.
Taking two bites in quick succession, she moaned in sheer pleasure.
Adam stared at her, knowing she had no idea how sensual the sound was or what it could do to a man.
She glanced at him, then took a longer look and blushed. “Sorry. Guess I really needed a fix.”
“I can see that,” he said, voice a little thick. “Good?”
“Amazing,” she said, and licked her lips and then her fingers. When she caught him watching that with rapt attention, she stopped. Then the only sound, other than the crackling flames and whistling wind, was Holly swallowing hard.
To give them both a badly needed moment, he ran a finger over the gold chain at her neck, lifting the small, dainty charm.
“It’s the Chinese symbol for strength,” she said softly.
“You don’t need a symbol for that. You’ve always been strong.”
She shook her head. “Not always. It’s from Derek.”
And she’d kept it. He absorbed the pang of…jealousy? That didn’t make much sense. Adam had left her. It was none of his business how much she’d loved someone else that she’d kept a piece of him around her neck.
“He forgot my birthday,” she said. “My twenty-first. I guess I’d thought it would be a big deal…”
It should have been a big f**king deal, he thought.
“That’s when I first started to know it wasn’t going to work, that I wasn’t important enough. But he tried to make it up to me, gave me money to buy myself a present. I’d seen the necklace in an upscale jewelry store…” She shrugged as if embarrassed. “I keep it because it’s a reminder of what my life once was,” she said softly, “and why I should be glad that I moved on.”
Adam could see the fire reflected in her eyes, and much more, and wondered at how much this one woman could make him feel. Letting out a breath, he laced his fingers in hers, squeezing her hand. “I’m proud of you, Holly.”
“For what?”
“For moving on. For being strong. For becoming a pretty damn incredible woman.”
Her eyes never left his. “Not so incredible, really.”
“You do what you think is right, always. Not what’s easy, but what’s right. You came out here after your father when no one else would.”
She looked at him for a long moment. “You never talk much about your father.”
No, he didn’t. He tried not to think about him too much, either. “Not much to tell.”
“There’s got to be something,” she insisted.
“He was Texan, and his first love was football. Women were his second love. He lived big and loud and was by all accounts a decent guy, up until he died in a car wreck.”
“You were young,” she said.
“Five.”
“That must have destroyed your mom,” she said.
“I don’t know, to be honest. She’s not big on emotions and feelings. Or at least on sharing them.” He slid her a look. “Yeah, yeah, I inherited that from her.”
She smiled. “You do okay when you want to. You ever see her? Your mom?”
He shrugged. “Some.”
“She lives about an hour outside of Sunshine, right?”
“Yeah.” In a double-wide, which was all she’d let Dell and Adam do for her. It was no secret that Nila had given up custody of her boys, leaving them to face the foster system. Guilt kept her from accepting their help now. “Dell sees her more than I do,” he said. “He drives out there every other week and works a few hours, giving vet care to those who need it.”
“That’s sweet.”
“That’s Dell. I don’t go out there unless I have to.”
“Have to?”
“Once in a while something on her trailer breaks and I go fix it.”
“When you have to,” she said.
“Yeah.”
“How’s that not as sweet as what Dell does?”
Jesus. “Didn’t we do this already? I’m not sweet, Holly.”
“No, you said you weren’t cute.”
He wasn’t either of those things, and she knew it.
“When’s the last time you saw her?” she asked.
“A while ago. We had a disagreement.”
“About?”
“Water.” He and Dell had wanted to put some money into her well, to get her better-quality water, but she absolutely refused their help. Adam had done it, anyway, started the process to make the improvements, and Nila had called off the job. She’d made a rare appearance in town, at the animal center in fact, to tell him that his money wasn’t welcome. He’d looked into her dark eyes and known it was nothing less than one hundred percent pride. That she regretted not ever spending money on her sons, and in light of how things had gone down, she didn’t have a right to their money now. Adam didn’t give a shit about any of that. He liked to think he didn’t give a shit about her at all.
But he did. And all he’d wanted was to make sure she had some clean water, dammit.
But there was one thing Nila could do better than her sons. She could out-stubborn them. Adam told Holly the story in as few words as possible and she snuggled in a little bit more. “I don’t know,” she said softly. “Sounds to me like you have a little sweet in you, after all.”
He tilted his head down to give her a look.
“You do,” she insisted.
“I don’t.”
“You’re here with me,” she reminded him. “Because I asked.”
His arms tightened. “I’m here because I want to be.”
She ducked her face into the crook of his neck, but not before he saw the sheen in her eyes. He gave her a moment because the last thing he wanted was tears. He felt helpless against her tears.
“Adam?”
“Yeah?”
“Tell me again that we’re going to find him.” Her lips brushed his skin with each word, so that he barely was able to suppress a full body shiver.
“We’re going to find him,” he said.
She nodded, her frozen nose bumping into his ear. Snowflakes dusted her hair and shoulders. He found his hands sliding beneath the jacket, moving slowly up and down her back, warming, soothing.
Wanting…
She lifted her head and looked at him, then his mouth.
And like Pavlov’s dog, his body stirred.