So … what? Huh? That’s what I felt like saying: huh?
She was asking me to stay because I had the same blood type? She was advising me to stay because of the compounds?
What had the hug meant?
It felt like it meant everything.
I guess she was hugging me because … I was a nice guy. I was her friend.
I stuffed a couple sweatshirts into my backpack.
“Well?” she said.
“I don’t know what to say, Astrid. I have to go with my brother. We have to stick together.”
“Then get him to stay, too. He’s logical. Alex will know it’s the right thing to stay.”
“No, he wants to go. He thinks this is our only chance to find our parents. He’d never stay.”
“We can’t go! We’ll kill somebody!”
I turned to her.
Tears were streaming down her face. She wiped at them with the back of her hand.
“Please, Dean.” Every time she said my name it was like a warm knife, slicing my heart right through.
“Astrid,” I said. “We’ll wear gas masks the whole way. They’re going to sedate us and tie us up. We won’t be able to help them, but we won’t kill them either.”
I shoved some jeans in my bag.
“Who knows? Maybe Niko is right. Maybe we’ll make it just fine.”
“No,” she said, near hysterics. “I can’t go. I can’t go. I can’t go!”
“You’ll be fine—”
“I’m gonna have a baby.”
“What?” I said.
She crossed her arms over her chest.
“I’m pregnant.”
“Are you sure?”
She nodded. “Been sure for a while now. I’m four months. Maybe more.”
“Four months?”
She lifted up her sweater and undershirt.
I saw the creamy skin of her beautiful diver’s body. And yes, there was a bump there. A swelling. Right under the navel, a rise. How had I not noticed it before?
She dropped her shirt and put her hands up to cover her face. She was crying softly.
“Oh, Astrid,” I said. And I stepped to her. Took her in my arms and held her.
“But don’t you think it means we have to go?” I said quietly. “We should go so we can find a doctor. Don’t you think?”
“I thought about that,” she said. “But what will happen to the, you know, the fetus, if he’s exposed to the compounds? What if he’s like us, Dean?”
And then she lowered her voice. “Or what if he blisters?”
I will not share the grisly images that came into my mind.
“What the heck, you guys?” Chloe said, charging into the aisle. “We’re almost ready to go.”
* * *
It was mayhem, everybody scrambling and putting things on the bus and then Josie taking some of the things off (“No, Caroline, you can’t bring wind chimes for your mom!” “But Dean said we could!” “Okay, fine!”), and Niko trying to get everything into some kind of order.
“Finally!” he said when he saw us.
Niko had just finished making Chloe take a sleeping pill. He had ground it up in a teaspoon of jelly.
“I gave her the full dose,” he said. “Hopefully she’ll sleep the whole way. I’m gonna dose you now, but first I want you to help me get Brayden on board.”
Josie and Sahalia were helping the kids get into their layers of clothing.
“Okay,” Niko said as we walked toward the Automotive aisle where Brayden was.
He took out a piece of paper from his pocket.
It was a checklist.
“We have food, water, first aid, extra clothes, valuables to trade—”
We heard Luna barking.
“Shoot,” he said. “We need dog food.”
“Max,” I called back. “Food for Luna!”
He nodded and ran for the Pet Department.
Niko kept reading: “Air masks, layers of clothing, rope, matches, tarps, backpacks, oil, knives, one gun, bullets.”
He looked up at me.
“What else?”
It was an impressive list.
“I can’t think of anything,” I said.
* * *
Sahalia was with Brayden. She had taken over his care and now seemed somewhat territorial about him.
She was wearing her own layers of clothing and was struggling to get Brayden into his.
“We’ll help,” I told her.
Niko was right, Brayden looked green.
As carefully as we could, we put zip-front hoodies onto him. Niko dealt with the sweatpants.
“Brayden,” Niko said softly. “We’re going to move you onto the bus.”
Brayden didn’t acknowledge he’d heard Niko. He was limp and clammy.
“Let’s slide the mattress over, then we’ll lift him in.”
So the three of us slid the air mattress to the bus.
All the while I was thinking about what the hell I was going to do.
Josie lay down blankets for Brayden on the second seat of the bus.Niko and Josie and Sahalia and Alex and I lifted Brayden awkwardly and got him onto the bus. He was able to walk, a little, when we got him up, but then he collapsed into his seat.
“We’re going to get you help, Brayden,” Sahalia said. “You’re going to feel better soon.”
As Niko and I left the bus she asked Niko, “We have pain meds, right? And antibiotics.”
“A whole bin full,” Niko assured her.
Sahalia had grown up a lot in the last couple days.
* * *
I wish I was the strong and silent type who never cries and never shows emotion.
But I saw my brother standing there, working with Astrid to take down the plywood wall over the gate, and tears welled up, making everything blurry and shiny.
My dear, serious, smart brother.
How could I do this to him?
“Don’t start taking down that plywood until we are all in our clothes and have our face masks on!” Niko said to them.
“Jeez, what about the gate?” I said, turning to Niko.
“I figured out how to retract it,” Alex said.
I nodded and looked away from him, turning my head so he wouldn’t see the anguish building up in me.
All the others were already in their many layers of clothes. They all had their masks in their hands. Sahalia came off the bus to get her mask.
They were ready.
“Where’s Chloe?” Niko said.
“She got very, very sleepy, so I put her in the bus to have a rest,” Josie said.
I guess a sleeping pill works pretty fast on an eight-year-old.
“Alex, can I talk to you?” I said.
“Here are your layers, Dean,” Josie said, handing me a stack of sweatpants. “And I have your ‘vitamins,’ too.”
“I want vitamins!” Caroline said.
“Me too!” said Henry.
Josie shushed them.
“Alex, I need to talk to you,” I said.
“You can talk on the bus,” Niko said, pulling on his clothes. “Put your layers on.”
I looked to Astrid. Josie was dressing her, pulling sweatshirts over Astrid’s head and helping her to stick her arms through the sleeves.
“Come on, Astrid,” Josie said. “Help me out here.”
Astrid was crying. She caught my eye, pleading with me over the heads of our busy friends. Our best friends. Our family.
“No,” I said. “I’m not going.”
Heads turned.
“Astrid and I are staying.”
Josie looked at Astrid’s face.
“What is he talking about?” she asked.
Astrid nodded, miserable.
“That’s not funny, Dean,” Alex said. He took the sweatshirt Josie was still holding and pushed it into my hands.
“Put it on!”
“We’re staying,” I said.
“No, you’re not!” he shouted.
“We have to stay.”
“You have to come!” Alex yelled. Tears were springing to his eyes. His lips were drawn in a straight line.
“It’s not safe for us to be on the bus,” I said.
“Niko, tell them they have to come! Make them come!”
Niko continued to dress himself.
“Niko!” Alex yelled. “Tell them!”
“No,” Niko said. “They’re right. It’s safer for them and safer for us if they stay.”
Alex screamed and hit Niko. Then turned and attacked me.
I grabbed him and hugged him tight to me.
“Alex, listen to me,” I begged him. “You are going to find our parents.”
“No.”
“And you will know exactly where I am. And you’ll all come get me.”
“Please, Dean. Please!”
“It’s safer for us and safer for you if we stay,” I repeated what Niko had said.
“You’re staying…” He struggled for a breath. “You’re staying…”
He pushed away from me and wiped the snot off his face.
“You’re staying for a girl!” he spat at me. “You’re choosing her over me! Over our mom and dad!”
He walked away from me.
“You love her so much you’re never going to see your family again! I hate you!”
And he turned and boarded the bus.
“Alex,” I said, tears streaming down my face.
Niko put his hand on my arm. He had all his layers on by that point.
“If you guys are staying we need to rethink how we deal with the gate,” he said. “Also, I think you should keep Chloe.”
I looked at Astrid and she nodded.
“She’s not going to like it,” Josie said. “Being left behind.”
She would be furious, when she woke up.
But, really, she would be safe with us and the others would be safe from her.
I carried her warm, heavy body off the bus and laid her on Brayden’s dirty air mattress.