“Come on.”
“The guy isn’t important. It’s not like I dated him for two years,” I add pointedly.
“Ugh, don’t remind me.” But after a few seconds, he nudges my knee. “Go on.”
I sigh. “His name was Sébastien. He’s French. He attends a school ten minutes away from ours. And my aunt set us up.”
“Oy.” Josh winces. “The same aunt who lives below?”
“The very one. Tante Juliette is friends with his maman, and they invited us both to brunch last winter, not telling us that the other one would also be there. It was humiliating. But, oddly enough…we clicked. We dated quietly for a few months.”
“Dated quietly?”
“We didn’t want to tell our nosy families that their plan worked.” I pause for a well-timed grin. “So we didn’t.”
“Did anyone know?”
“Of course. Kurt knew. And Sébastien’s friends.”
“So…what happened?”
My gaze lowers. “Turns out, he wasn’t a nice guy. He didn’t really like Kurt.”
“I’m sorry.” Josh winces again. “How serious were you guys? Before that?”
“You mean did we have sex.”
He’s taken aback by my bluntness. He ducks his head, abashed.
“Yes,” I say.
He tries to cover his surprise. Again. I suppose everyone at school assumes that I’m a virgin – that is, if they don’t already think I’m banging my best friend.
“But we were never serious-serious,” I explain. “I mean, when you grow up half French, it’s not like sex is this big taboo. And, yeah, you have to be careful and you need protection and blah blah blah, but it’s not that American Puritanical be-all, end-all. You know? Sébastien was the only one, though. I don’t want you to get the wrong—”
“No.” He shakes his head rapidly. “I know.”
A long pause. “How about you?”
“The same. Just the one.”
The wind picks up, and I rub my bare arms. “But you loved her.”
“I thought I did.” Josh stares out over the city. “And then I knew I didn’t, and she knew she didn’t, but we stayed together, because…I don’t know why. Maybe because we thought we should be in love. At least I did. I wanted to be in love.” He looks back at me. “Have you ever been in love?”
“No.” Yes. With you.
A motorcycle passes on the road below. We listen until its guttural roar fades away. Josh glances at me, and then he double-takes. “You’re shivering.”
“Oh, I’m fine. I like the chill.”
But he’s already on his knees, removing his coat. He swings it up and around my shoulders, and the weight of it stuns me in more ways than one. My body weakens with lust. The coat smells like citrus and ink and him.
“I saw you that next night,” he says.
“Huh?” My eyes open. “What night?”
“Last summer. I went back to the café at midnight the next night, and I saw you there. I knew it was a long shot, but…I had this feeling you might be there. And you were.”
I know that feeling. I had that feeling. “Why didn’t I see you?”
“I never went inside. I saw you through the window, and you…”
“I was with Kurt,” I finish.
“So I kept walking. I felt like such an idiot. If only I’d known, I wish I’d known. You’d been so funny and flirty, and—”
“Flirty?”
“Yeah.” He grins. “I could kinda tell you liked me.”
“Ohmygod.” I’m mortified.
“No! It was cute. Trust me, it was really, really cute.”
“Yeah, nope. I want to die now, thanks.”
“No. I’m serious. I always liked you, but I thought you didn’t like me. You would never talk to me. So I didn’t think you were even an option, and then I got together with Rashmi, and that was that. But I realized last summer that you’re just shy.”
Back up, back up, back up. “You always liked me?”
“A supersmart hot girl who reads comics? Are you kidding? You were definitely on my radar.”
Hot. I’ve been upgraded to hot. No one has ever called me hot. Cute? Yes. Adorable? Yes, often, and it makes me want to punch them. I didn’t know short girls could even be hot. I thought I’d been permanently relegated to elfin-pixie-child status.
“Well, bloody noses.” I hug his coat tighter. “Those are definitely hot.”
Josh buries his head in his hands. He moans. “I can’t believe I did that.”
“I believe the laws of physics did that.”
“And my chin.”
I laugh. “But until that last part, it was pretty great, right? I mean, we had actual fireworks. Talk about a credits-rolling, happily-ever-after kind of a kiss.”
“If only I could take credit for those.”
“You know…you can always try again.”
He raises his head. “Setting off fireworks?”
“A second first kiss.”
“I think that’s just called a second kiss.”
I bump my knees against his. “Are you seriously going to make me ask again?”
“Um. No.” Josh quickly leans forward.
“Unless.” I put a hand on his chest. “Are you sure? Because. If you don’t want?”
He smiles. “You’re ruining our second first kiss.”
“I just…wanted to make sure,” I say.
“I’m sure.” But he stops before he reaches me. “Wait. Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure.”
“Okay. So we’re both sure.” Josh smiles again. He places one hand on each side of my face. His fingers are cold, but I warm beneath their touch. We stare at each other for several seconds. His smile fades, and then, slowly, he leans over and kisses me.
It’s a gentle kiss, lips slightly parted. Soft.
Josh pulls back a few inches. He studies my forehead. My cheeks. My chin, my ears, my nose, my lips.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“I wanted to know what you look like up close.”
“Oh.” It comes out like a breath.
“You have freckles on your eyelids,” he says.
I close my eyes, and he kisses them – one delicate kiss on each lid. His nose trails down the side of mine, and his mouth comes to a rest above my own. My arms wrap around the back of his neck. Our lips meet with more urgency. More exploration. We kiss until it can no longer be called kissing, it’s definitely making out, as his hands slide underneath the coat and around my waist.