Perhaps one of them should have given this nonrelationship a bit more thought, because she could feel it slowly destroying her.
It wasn't the sharing, it was the loss. When Chase walked away, it meant she would awaken alone, dreaming his arms were around her.
That knowledge that there was nothing to hold on to throbbed inside her like a vicious wound. There hadn't been anything to hold on to in far longer than the past two years, and she hadn't even realized it. Until tonight.
As she stared out the windows, she didn't count the minutes or the hours. She stared, and remembered Chase. Touching her, holding her, his eyes locked with hers, her imagined feeling that he was touching not just her body, but her soul.
That she was touching him, that her touch went deeper than his flesh.
She was really quite good at fooling herself, she decided. Because for a few precious moments tonight, she had imagined he felt more for her than desire, more for her than the other women he had taken.
Those women he had spent the night with.
Those women he had taken to the opera, to dinner, to the clubs he frequented. Those women he was seen with in public without shame.
And the only time she was seen with him was when they were leaving. Disappearing.
She wiped the tears from her cheeks as the sun began to peek over the horizon. She sniffed back any sobs that might escape and reminded herself that she shouldn't have expected more.
He hadn't promised her emotion. He hadn't promised to warm her.
He had just promised her the pleasure.
She had no right to complain, no right to feel slighted. But the woman he touched, the heart that beat inside her, felt very, very slighted.
Chapter 7
Sleep came only in fits and spurts. Kia finally gave up and moved from the couch. Slipping on her house slippers she stepped out onto her balcony and let the brisk winter wind whip around her as she stared into the brilliant blue of the morning sky.
Where did it leave a woman when she realized how empty her life had become? When she looked in the cold, dark yawning recesses and realized how weak and lonely she has become? So lonely that she let herself believe that a few hours of pleasure would be enough. That she was courageous enough, immune enough to the needs other women had, that she was trading her heart for that pleasure.
Chase had only come to her twice. There had been no phone calls in between those times, no dinner, no lunch. There had been nothing to indicate that he wanted anything more than that pleasure.
Chase wasn't a subtle man. He was dominant, forceful, quiet, and controlled, but he wasn't subtle. If he had wanted more from her, he would have demanded it.
And really, could she blame him for not wanting more? Her anger and outrage two years before had risked his reputation as well as the reputations of the men and women it was his job to protect. And when she had retracted her statements, she had moved out of society as much as possible, disillusioned with the friends she had thought she had, suddenly left adrift and uncertain which way to turn.
So she had hidden. Here in this huge, lonely apartment, she had hidden and forced herself to be content with it. Because the wounds had gone so deep, had been so ragged, that she'd had no idea how to heal them.
The night Drew had come to her with champagne and flowers, wanting to repair the rift that had opened between them, she had wanted to believe him. She didn't handle champagne well, or any alcohol, actually; her tolerance was very low. It hadn't taken him long to get her drunk enough that she was dazed and confused.
When he had carried her into their bedroom, she had felt like a princess. When he undressed her, she had closed her eyes and imagined love. And then she had felt another man's hands.
She shook the memory away. The horror of her husband and another man holding her in her bed. Drew holding her down as she fought, as she cried and begged them to let her go.
It had finally been the third who had stepped away, then tore her husband away from her long enough for her to escape into the bathroom, where she locked herself in, sobbing in fear. It had been that third, and she still didn't know who he had been, who had argued in the bedroom with her husband, nearly fought, she believed, before he slammed out of the room. And it was only minutes later that her father had arrived, apartment security behind him, responding to a call that his daughter was in trouble.
Drew had never told her who that third person was. When her father arrived at the apartment, one of his security personnel from the company headquarters accompanying him, Drew had been enraged.
Her father had been coldly, dangerously furious. He had wrapped her in his jacket, wrapped his arms around her shaking body, and he had taken her back to the home she had been raised in.
Her parents had sheltered her for as long as they could. She had used her father's lawyer, Lenore Zimmer, to file for divorce from Drew. Lenore had made certain Drew was out of the home before Kia returned, that he paid the bills until the divorce was final. She had been a godsend to Kia. But nothing, no amount of comforting, no settlement amount, could make up for the knowledge that her dearest friend, Rebecca, had been telling everyone she knew the information Kia had given her while she had been practically in shock and struggling to understand why her husband had attempted to hurt her as he had.
Everyone does it, Drew had screamed at the bathroom door. That bitch Tessa Andrews you think so highly of, her husband is one of the head members. That son of a bitch you eat with your eyes every chance you get, Chase Falladay, all our fucking friends, you stupid bitch. Why the hell do you think I've been encouraging those friendships?
And he had. There had been Tally Rafferty, Ella Wyman, so many others. People she knew but had never been friends with, people she couldn't imagine living the lifestyle he had attempted to force her into.
As she rubbed at her cold arms and stepped back into the apartment, she admitted she couldn't truly blame Chase for what she was feeling right now. Perhaps she expected too much from him, as Drew had accused her of expecting too much of him.
It wasn't his place to fill her bed at night. To hold back the cold. He hadn't made her any promises, she thought sadly, closing the doors behind her. He had promised her pleasure, and he had delivered well on that promise. She had no right to ask anything more of him.
So where did that leave her? At this rate, if she didn't get her head straight and figure her own life out, then she was going to become old and bitter before her time. Twenty-six was much too young to give up on life or having friends entirely.
Chase had taught her that. Through the pleasure he gave her, the warmth that surrounded her when he gave it, and the cold that filled her when he left, he had shown her she couldn't live in such isolation. And she was tired of being alone.
She could have friends. It just might take her a while to find the right friends, she thought. And those friends only needed to know the most basic information about her. Anything about her marriage or her divorce, she didn't have to answer. She didn't want to answer.
She had made a mistake two years before. She had hid, licked her wounds, and tried to make sense of what happened in her life. There was no making sense of it. She should have picked herself up, held her head high, and forced herself to remain a part of the world she and Drew had inhabited.
But now, how to fix the problem? Perhaps her mother could help. Wasn't she forever inviting Kia to lunch or dinner with her and her friends? They were older, yes, but invitations were still invitations.
As she frowned at that thought, the doorbell chimed.
Kia's head jerked to the door. Few people came to her apartment. Her parents always called first.
Chase?
She moved to the door, lifted herself to her tiptoes, and stared into the peephole before pulling back, biting her lip, and wondering why the hell they were out there.
The sound chimed again.
Disengaging the lock, Kia opened the door slowly and stood back, staring at the pair in confusion. Ella Wyman and Tessa Andrews were dressed for shopping. Shopping was a serious game in Alexandria. Flat-soled shoes for Ella, low-heeled pumps for Tess. They each wore slacks and stylish camp shirts and carried larger purses.
"Can I help you?" She was standing in her robe, her hair mussed, her feet pushed into ugly fuzzy mules, staring back at the two of them in confusion.
"Yes, darling, you can move back so we can come in." Ella smiled at her gently, her gray eyes twinkling in a face that appeared much younger than what Kia knew her actual age was. Ella Wyman was forty-four years old, several years older than her handsome, charming second husband, James.
Kia moved back slowly.
"She looks like we've come to lynch her up, Mom," Tessa's low laughter passed Kia as they entered the apartment.
Ella stopped just inside the foyer. She stared at the couch, the low gas fire, and read much more into it than Kia would have appreciated her knowing.
The blanket on the couch, the pillow on the arm. The print of Kia's slight body was still in the cushions, testifying that the young woman used it often to sleep in. It was more than likely her bed, and the knowledge of that was sad indeed.
Ella knew that kind of loneliness. The soul-deep, bottomless pit of cold that a large bed only intensified.
Kia closed the door and watched the two warily. "Are you certain you meant to come here?"
Ella Wyman was friends with her mother, and she knew Ella's husband did quite a bit of business with her parents.
"Have you had coffee yet?" Ella turned to her, her soft auburn hair swinging around her shoulders as she stared back at her with the same expression her mother used when attempting to convince Kia to do something she didn't want to do.
"Yes," Kia answered her slowly. "Would you like some?"
"I'll fix it." Ella waved her hand dismissively and headed to the open kitchen. "You need to get a shower."
"I do?" Kia watched her cautiously now, aware of Tessa standing back, her amused expression and sparkling gray eyes, so like her mother's, filled with warmth and a little too much purpose.
Ella moved into the kitchen and began opening cabinet doors as she turned back to glance at Kia.
"We're going shopping," the older woman informed her. "Dress for comfort, because the sales are numerous and the crowds are horrendous."
"Why are we going shopping?" Kia asked, carefully keeping her voice level despite the fear that a madwoman had invaded her home.
Her cabinet door slammed as Ella rounded on her, propping her hands on her slender hips and glaring back at Kia.
"Your mother should be ashamed of herself for allowing you to hide as she has. I had a very interesting discussion with her last night, and Tessa and I have decided to take you in hand. Now, get your shower, and get ready to shop. Consider yourself in our hands and don't screw your face up like that. It isn't becoming."
Kia instantly smoothed the scowl from her expression, then frowned again when she did so.
"What does my mother have to do with this?"
"I love Celia like my own sister." Ella shook her head. "But it's obvious she had no idea what to do with you. I do."
"Do you now?" Kia crossed her arms over her breasts and regarded the other woman with mock curiosity. "What is that?"
"By informing you that you have allowed your ex-husband to win, you've tucked your fluffy little tail between your legs and disappeared."
Her fluffy little tail? Kia had an insane urge to reach back and see if she had somehow managed to add additional pounds there without meaning to.
Drew had dealt a blow to her pride that had been hard to overcome.
"So you care if Drew thinks he's won, why?" Kia tilted her head to the side as Ella continued making coffee in a kitchen that was not her own.
Ella Wyman had balls. Kia's mother had always made that statement accompanied by affectionate laughter.
"Sweetheart, if the only ones we care about are ourselves, then we're no better than that trash that tried to destroy you. Now, take that shower. I'm fixing breakfast and coffee, and then we're going shopping. It's girls' day out, so get prepared for it."