“Love is weird,” Penna said, her fingers furious on her keyboard.
“It generally sucks,” I said.
“I’ve never been in love, so I’m not really qualified here,” Penna said with a shrug.
“Never?” Leah questioned, her eyebrows nearly to her hairline.
“Nope. Never really had the opportunity,” Penna clarified.
“Bullshit.” I laughed. “I’ve never seen a woman who is surrounded by more beautiful men or more uninhibited opportunities to hook up with them.”
She closed the laptop and leveled me with a single glance. “First, I worked my ass off to get where I am. I’m at the top of a men-only division, and I’m respected for my abilities and not just my ass. There’s zero chance I’m going to give it up to any Renegade, or anyone who could open his mouth on the circuit and ruin my badassery. None.”
“And second?” Leah asked, her eyes wide.
Penna sighed. “I’ve never met someone willing to fight past the anti-testosterone barrier Pax and Landon have around me. The guys are all too busy trying to impress them or beat them. That isn’t exactly conducive to relationships.”
“I’d never really thought about it that way,” I told her. “I’m so sorry. As much as I hate what he’s done to me, as much as it hurts, I wouldn’t change it.”
Penna gave me sad smile. “That’s because you still love him.”
“I do.” There was no point lying to her or myself. “But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever give him the chance to do it again. This time is worse than the first, which is something I didn’t think I was capable of surviving. And the funny thing is that it doesn’t hurt. I’m just…numb. It’s like I’m in shock, and my body isn’t willing to admit that it’s somehow breathing without a heartbeat. If I just keep moving then it will be okay, but eventually the rest of me is going to catch on.”
“I know the evidence is damning, but the whole thing with sponsorships is so complicated—” Penna stopped midsentence when my glare cut her off. “Got it.”
“Let’s talk about something else, anything else,” I suggested. It didn’t matter how much I loved these girls—I wasn’t up for spilling my guts any more than I already had.
“Want to pick out a new teapot in Hong Kong?” Leah offered.
“Those are for when we get through the shit in our lives. Not while we’re in the middle of it.”
She squeezed my hand. “I have the utmost faith that you will.”
I was glad one of us did.
…
“Rachel.” Landon sighed my name like he’d seen a ghost or something.
“Don’t,” I said as I slid into my seat in Civ.
“Please,” he begged quietly.
Be strong. I looked over at him and did my best to mask any physical reaction I had to seeing him. He’d lost a little weight, but nothing to be concerned about. After all, his first priority was his sport, not my broken heart. But his eyes, those gorgeous hazel orbs that I had lost myself in too many times, were haunted. They reflected every ounce of pain I hadn’t let myself feel.
“I’m stuck here in this class with you for the next month, and there’s nothing I can do about that. But the least you can do is not make it hard on me to pull good grades. If you want to talk to me, fine, we’ll talk later. But please don’t make me feel like I have to skip class and avoid you. That’s not fair, considering I did nothing wrong.”
His shoulders slumped, and he nodded. “That’s fair.”
“Thank you.”
Dr. Messina took the podium and began our lecture, saving me from the potential disaster of communicating any more with Landon. Maybe he had it right the first time—it was easier to walk away when you didn’t have to see the person every day.
One by one we stood, presenting our small papers comparing and contrasting two of the cultures we’d been studying. I took copious notes, doing my best to concentrate anywhere but on Landon sitting next to me. On his eyes that watched every time I flipped the page in my notebook. On his hands that flexed on the desk like he had to keep himself from reaching for me.
Good job not noticing.
I presented and managed to keep my eyes locked on our professor, who sat in the back of the room. That effort alone deserved an A. When Landon spoke, I focused on my notepad and definitely did not listen to his comparison involving the Dani tribe and their courting rituals.
I did not think about the way I’d started to feel like he was my forever.
I did not remember his hands on my body.
Slamming my notebook closed, I got the hell out of there as soon as she dismissed class.
“Rachel!” Landon called down the hallway.
“You okay?” Hugo asked.
“I’m fine,” I assured him as I stopped. “Go ahead.”
He looked skeptical but left me in the hallway like I’d asked. Students walked around me, all headed to their various classes as I stood like a rock in a rushing stream, blocking the flow.
“Hey, can we talk?” Landon asked.
“Sure.” I hardened every single defense I could muster against him and followed him into an empty classroom. He shut the door behind us, and I held my books in front of me like they could shield my heart from whatever he was going to throw at me next.
He put his on the desk. Probably because he knows he has nothing to fear from me.