“He did that,” I countered. “He could have chosen Rachel.” The same way you could choose me. God, even when I was this utterly destroyed, I still looked for his excuse.
“I’m trying to give him that choice now. That’s what all of this was about—getting her on board so he’d have a chance with her. Yes, I used you, and that is unforgiveable, but I had the best intentions.”
“Well, you know what they say. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. So you did it for Rachel, and for Landon, you say. But you still lied to me every day, every moment since I met you. Is that why you got so close? To make sure I’d stay when she didn’t show up? To keep me happy? Did you ever honestly care about me, because I feel like some pawn in this huge chess game, and you’re just moving the pieces around like none of us are real people with real feelings.”
“Of course I care about you!” His brow puckered. “It’s complicated.”
“Yeah, well, it’s pretty fucking clear from where I stand. Was sleeping with me part of it? Getting me so wrapped up in you that Rachel would have to agree to stay when she got here? When she realized that you’d caged her on a ship with the one guy who broke her heart so badly that she can’t speak his name?” My mind raced. “I remember her saying there was someone who destroyed her, who dropped her and never looked back, and I can tell you that Rachel isn’t a forgiving person. There’s no way she would have agreed if she’d known he was here…if she’d known you were here.”
“I know.”
“Damn it, Paxton!” I cried, my eyes blurring for the first time. “You didn’t just use me, you manipulated me to get to Rachel. She’s my best friend!”
“And he’s mine!” he countered. He took a stuttered breath. “The first moment I saw you, I thought you were the most refreshingly beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Then I found out you were…well, you, and I knew I couldn’t touch you, that I had to put that instant connection somewhere far away before we ended up here. Yes, at first I wanted you to understand us, like us, want to help us so that you wouldn’t run when Rachel couldn’t make it, and I prayed you’d be the one who would convince her to stay when she showed up. But I never expected you. You had me from the first moment you hooked onto that zip-line with me. Hell, maybe even before that.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I shook my head. “None of it matters now. How am I supposed to believe anything you say? It was all a lie.”
“No,” he said, coming around the couch. “Not my feelings for you. Not what happens the moment I look into your eyes, or I touch you. I swear to God that none of that is a lie. All of it is real—way too real.”
“What am I supposed to do with that?” I asked, backing away when he stepped closer. “Are you seriously pulling the it-started-as-a-game-but-then-I-fell-for-you line?”
“It was never a game, I swear. Yes, I wanted to keep you happy, at first because I needed Rachel to get here, and then because I love to see you smile. I kept you close because I needed you to feel invested in me, my grades, the Renegades, all of it—and then because I couldn’t bear to not be around you. I don’t know what you’re supposed to do. I can only tell you what I hope you’ll do. I hope you’ll forgive me. I hope you’ll look at me and see that the only truth that matters is that what we are is extraordinary and epic, and worth the shit we’re going through. That someone planted that picture so you’d see it, so you’d walk away from me. That this is another way to sabotage us. Please see it, Leah.”
“Why would I?” I threw in his face.
“Because you love me!” he shouted back.
God, I did. I loved him so much that I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that the picture meant nothing, or that someone had planted it. Wanted to believe that it was out of love for his friend that he did this to me, love between Landon and Rachel. But it wasn’t enough. Not when he’d used me, lied to me, manipulated me, and even when things had “gotten real,” had never clued me in. “It’s not enough,” I replied. Not when he still needed me to keep Rachel from leaving the minute she got here. Not when he knew with one phone call I could destroy his plans. He still needed me. That’s why he was doing this.
His eyes went wild for a moment before he seemed to gather himself. “Because I’m in love with you.”
Everything stilled, as if the second hand agreed not to move, or all thousand people on the Athena stopped breathing. He’d finally said it, but now I couldn’t trust him, couldn’t believe what he was saying. “No,” I replied. “Love doesn’t lie, manipulate, or use people to get what it wants. If you loved me, you would have told me about Rachel. If not at the start, then at least in Istanbul, or before I gave myself to you in Mykonos. Love means that you put someone else above yourself, above what you want, and you never did that. Rachel was your endgame—for Landon or not—and I was never above that consideration. You never once put my feelings, my trust, my love, above your need to get Rachel on board. Love doesn’t do that.”
God, I’d given him everything. Not just my body but my past, my soul, everything I kept locked so deep that even I forgot it was there. And he’d only been after Rachel.
“Maybe your love doesn’t, because it’s perfect. You are basically perfect, Leah. But my love is messy, imperfect, makes mistakes, and is overwhelmingly selfish, because I need you. I need you more than air in my lungs or even the Renegades. So yes, I’m in love with you, and maybe you don’t like that because you can’t control it, but it’s the truth. You can choose not to forgive me for this—I’d understand—but you can’t stop me from loving you.”