“Don’t mention it. Any of the guys would have done the same.”
“Would they have given up every Sunday night to hang out with some boring girls?”
“You’re hardly boring. I wanted in on the family dinner nights. Besides, Lee is still one of my best friends, despite our epic efforts to screw that up last year.”
He popped the top on the can and leaned against the counter across from me. Josh had hated this guy until the Blackhawk course had made them friends, but here, just the two of us, I saw why Paisley had loved him. He had an uncompromising sense of right and wrong that could be as infuriating as it was endearing. It just depended what side of the line you were standing on.
“So, Morgan?” I pushed again.
He made a face at me. “I have mad respect for you, Ember, I do. But I’m not sure we’re close enough to discuss my love life.”
“Paisley is one of my best friends.”
He lifted his beer in salute. “Correct. Then maybe we’re too close.”
“You’re family,” I said with a shrug. “You wanted in on the vacations, the dinners, the whole…well, family, so this is part of it. Now spill.”
“You really think she’d want to sign on with someone who wants to fly SOAR? Who wants the no-warning deployments? Impossible schedules? Classified locations?”
“That girl is in love with you.” I took a long sip of my beer while he debated opening up.
He took a swallow and sighed. “Yeah, well, I’m not sure Morgan really understands what love is.”
“And you do?” I said it softly, so he’d know I wasn’t mocking him.
“Yeah. Love is when you’d lay down everything about yourself for the other person’s happiness. Be what they need you to be, grow into the best version of yourself because it’s what they deserve. Love is knowing when to fight for that person, and when you might not be the best fit. Love is letting go, and the crushing pain that comes with it.”
Like when I left Josh back in Colorado. I nodded, understanding more than I wanted to. “Yeah, I get that. You don’t think she loves you that way?”
He ran his hand over his close-cropped brown curls. “Morgan is amazing. She’s gorgeous, and funny, and reminds me of who I am underneath all the bullshit. I don’t doubt that she could love like that. I’m just not sure I could love her like that, and if I’m not one hundred percent certain, I have no business asking her to wait for me.”
Understanding dawned, and my heart ached on his behalf. “You’re still in love with her.”
His forehead wrinkled. “Paisley? No, just as friends, I swear.”
I shook my head. “Her sister, Peyton.”
Will’s eyes flew to mine, and I saw it there, the wild, echoed grief that still hollowed Mom’s eyes from time to time—the dark, horrible void Dad had left in her that still lingered when she wasn’t careful to mask it.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it. I’m sorry for pushing. It’s absolutely none of my business.” I could have kicked myself. After all the insensitive questions I’d had tossed at me the last couple of years, I should have known better.
“No,” he said with a sad smile and another sip of his beer. “It’s okay. I think maybe you’d understand more than most people.” He started to peel the label from the bottle. “I’ve loved Peyton ever since I knew how to define the emotion. She was like life bottled under pressure, shaken up, and when you took the cap off…God, she flew. Being around her was intoxicating and addictive. She didn’t know how to sit still, or how to come in second place.” He laughed. “She could be utterly exhausting one moment, and yet feed my very soul in the next. She was my best friend, the only woman I ever wanted, and when she died, I did, too—right there on that field. I physically felt my heart stop the very second hers did, and I just never got the right rhythm back.” His face twisted, and my eyes prickled as though I was taking on a piece of his pain.
“Everything I’ve done since then has been for her. Taking care of Paisley, pushing myself through the Academy, fighting for the top of the Order of Merit List…it’s all been because I know she’s watching. She knew every limit I had and accepted none, just pushed me past where I thought my barriers were. So I succeed. I choose the right path no matter what. I can’t fail. I can’t tolerate second, because she never would. And I can’t…love. Not in the way someone like Morgan deserves. It’s not that I don’t want her.” He rolled his head back and blew out a long breath. “God, Morgan is…perfect. But I just don’t know how to give away a heart I don’t own.” He set his beer down and crossed his arms over his chest as if the motion would hold him together. “She’s like you—she’s not the woman who is going to put her career on the back burner for me while I run off and fly for SOAR. She deserves better than someone with no time and half a heart, and I won’t make the same mistake with her that I did with Paisley.”
We stood there in silence, connected in a way I didn’t share with a lot of people, recognizing that grief lasted a lot longer than people had the right words for. So instead of offering him some kind of placating words he didn’t need, I simply gave Will a soft smile and the truth. “Maybe you should tell her that. Let her decide if she’s willing to battle special ops and Peyton’s ghost. She might surprise you.”