“You didn’t choose,” I whispered into her hair. “No one chose.”
“I can’t be a blubbering mess around Jagger. He’ll think… I just can’t.”
“You can. He’ll think that you’re pregnant, and as happy as you are to have your husband, you just lost one of your best friends—your first love. You have to feel that, too.”
“It hurts,” she whispered.
“Yeah,” I said, knowing nothing could fill the void. “That part of feeling sucks.”
“Jagger’s out of surgery. He’s loopy, but he’ll be okay,” I said as I walked into Josh’s room. I’d taken the time to shower, so at least I didn’t feel like a ’90s grunge star.
“Okay, thank you. Grayson called. He made it to Kandahar. They’ll take Carter to Dover tomorrow.”
I didn’t miss the fact that Josh called him Carter, whom he’d hated, as if he had disassociated that guy from Will, our friend. He wiggled the fingers of his right hand, sporting a new black cast that peeked out from the blue sling.
“What time are we leaving tomorrow?” It was already afternoon. It would be good to get him home, settled.
“I’m leaving now, if you’d like a ride,” Senator Mansfield said from the doorway. He still wore a button-down, but he’d rolled the sleeves at the elbow. “I’ve seen my son, and it’s not like he’s going to let me feed him ice chips, so my work here is done.”
“Thank you for the offer, sir, but I’d rather stay with Josh.”
“Ember, as much as I’d like you to stay, there’s no point,” Josh said, taking my hand in his.
My head snapped back like he’d slapped me. “No point?”
He shook his head. “No, babe. I’ll leave for Ramstein in the morning, and it’s a military-only flight. I’ll see you tomorrow night at home.”
My heart deflated. “Oh.”
“My son won’t be leaving for another few days. I pulled strings, made sure Paisley could go with Prescott”—Senator Mansfield shook his head—“Jagger, but couldn’t do the same for you. I’m sorry, I tried, but you’re not married, and my power ends at that line,” he finished with a very political smile.
My eyes flew to Josh. I couldn’t leave him. Not now. What if he needed me? What if he wanted to talk about what happened and I wasn’t here? What if I missed the only opportunity he might give me to see what was going on behind that mask of his? “Okay, let’s get married.”
“What?” Josh exclaimed, his eyes huge with what I refused to see as panic.
“Marry me. It’s not like we aren’t engaged, and come on, they have chaplains. Marry me, and I can stay with you.”
“No. Hell no. Not like this.” He squeezed my hand. “Ember, we’re getting married on the top of a fucking mountain in Colorado, surrounded by our family, not in some hospital chapel with a bunch of strangers and…Jagger’s dad. No offense.”
“None taken,” Senator Mansfield answered.
“We have Jagger and Paisley. That’s all the family I need. I could stay with you.”
He shook his head, and I saw it—the look of determination he usually saved for the ice. “No. You would regret it. Ember, I don’t care about the next twenty-four hours; I care about the rest of our life.”
“I won’t regret it,” I pushed.
“I would.”
He would regret marrying me? The same man who had wanted me under any circumstances our entire relationship suddenly had caveats and lines he was unwilling to cross?
Air rushed into my lungs. This is not about you. Not about you. NOT ABOUT YOU. I repeated the mantra in my head as I slung my bag over my shoulder. “Okay, Senator. Thank you so much. I would love a ride home.”
His eyes volleyed between mine and Josh. “I’ll meet you in the hallway.”
I waited until the door clicked softly behind him, and then tried to emotionally solder every raw, gaping nerve that was screaming in agony around my heart. I turned to Josh. “Okay, well, I’ll see you at home?”
“December,” he whispered. “I didn’t say that to hurt you. I would never hurt you intentionally.”
I nodded. “Of course. I know that. I’m fine,” I lied with a smile. “Where do you fly into?”
“Baltimore,” he answered after a pause. “Then straight into Fort Campbell.”
“Do you want me to pick you up?” I asked, terrified of the answer.
His shoulders sagged. “Of course.”
“Okay. Do you still have the international cell to text me with details?” Hold yourself together. Just a couple more minutes.
“Yeah.”
“Perfect.” I leaned forward and kissed him lightly, unable to stop myself from lingering just a second longer, thankful that he was breathing, speaking, alive—even if he’d just pulverized my heart. “Then I’ll see you at home.” I forced a smile and backed away.
“I love you, December. Thank you for coming all the way here.”
Yesterday I would have told him that of course I came. He was here, where else would I be? But today was different. Today I felt separated from him in a way I never had before, and even if it was an emotional overreaction brought on by jet lag, exhaustion, and fear…well, it still fucking hurt. “Thank you for letting me.”