“Wait. He kissed you? Or you kissed him?”
“Does it matter?” My drawl was more pronounced as I drew out the words.
“Yes.” His voice wasn’t hard. Oh, no, it was soft. Quiet.
“He kissed me—”
“That son of a bitch!” He jumped to his feet, heading for the door.
“—but I kissed him back. I am just as much to blame.”
Will looked from me to the wall, his expression slack, his mouth hanging slightly agape. “You kissed him back?”
My nails bit into the skin of my wrist. “Yes.”
“You liked it.”
My cheeks heated. “Yes.” I’d loved every second.
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this? What does this mean?”
“I don’t know, but I had to tell you.”
He fastened his hands behind his neck. “Do you feel better now that you have it off your chest?”
Shame burned, coming up my throat like acid. “Mercy. No, Will. This isn’t something I planned.”
“Well, what is it, Lee-Lee?”
“He… I…it’s complicated.”
He dropped his hands and backed away until he reached the end of the couch. “You can’t be seriously considering starting something with him.”
Protectiveness swept through me and took over my mouth. “And what if I am?”
“You’re kidding!”
“I’m not,” I said softly. “It’s not in my nature to go around kissing people who mean nothing to me, Will. You should know that.”
“Are you trying to break up with me?” He crossed his arms in front of him.
Was I? “I…I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far. It just happened.” Could I stay with Will? Was it even a possibility now that I knew what blatant desire felt like?
“No. We’re not breaking up, Lee. I’m not losing you over a one-time lapse in judgment. Not when we’ve come this far and been through so much together. What do you think Pey—”
“Oh, no, Will!” I shouted, anger coursing through me instantly. “Don’t you dare bring her into this. She’s in every part of my life. I carry her in my heart every day, and you don’t get to use her in this. Peyton would tell me to be happy and push me to take a chance. And you know what? She’d want you to be happy, too.”
“I am happy!”
“Sure seems it.”
“You’re not happy?” His eyes flickered between mine, like he was searching for something.
“I love you, Will. But you and I both know there’s something missing here. You treat me like I’m made out of glass. Even making love is a constant worry for you! Tell me the last time you’ve let yourself enjoy sex, because it wasn’t with me. Not with the constant checks to my heart monitor and holding yourself back.”
“So this is my fault? You kissed someone else because I’m not good enough in bed for you? My stick buddy? I fly with him every day, Lee-Lee!”
“Stop calling me that!” I closed my eyes and concentrated on calming my racing heart. All of this because of one kiss. One kiss brought my world tumbling down around me. One kiss transformed me into something I hated and broke the man I loved into pieces. One kiss that I could still taste and couldn’t bring myself to regret. Oh, I was surely headed to hell in a hand basket over the likes of Jagger Bateman. “I love you, Will. I have always loved you. You’ve been the one I could depend on. I never meant for this to happen.”
“I want to know exactly what happened.”
Images skyrocketed through my brain. Jagger on top of me, his eyes devouring me, the feel of his mouth caressing mine, the way he shot lust through me as though he’d injected a needle. “No, you don’t.”
“You let him touch you!” His anguish ripped me apart. “You kissed him!”
“Yes.” I deserved this. I deserved whatever he wanted to throw at me as long as he didn’t bring up Peyton again.
“Do you regret it?”
“Will…” Lying was something I couldn’t—wouldn’t—do.
“Do. You. Regret. It?” His voice shook me to the core.
I bit my lower lip, still tender from Jagger’s kiss, and shamefully, I wanted more. “No,” I whispered.
A cry ripped from his throat. “I love you! I’m careful with you! I know how to take care of you! Why, Lee? Why?”
Because there’s something in me that can’t stay away from him, that’s drawn to him like a bleepin’ magnet. “I don’t know. But if I loved you the way you deserve to be loved, there’s no way I would have kissed him back.” I walked toward him. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness or your understanding. What I did was appalling, and I don’t expect you to understand or absolve me.”
He stroked my cheek. “And if I want to? If I want to say, ‘I forgive you,’ and we go back to life as usual?”
I pulled away. “We just…can’t. It shouldn’t have happened, but I can’t go back.” Not now that I know what a kiss is supposed to feel like.
“I’m not letting you go this easily. People make mistakes.”
Ding! Ding!
“Pizza’s here,” I whispered. Such a normal activity happening during the second-biggest upheaval in my life.
“I got it.” Will slid past me, taking out his wallet, and opened the door. “How much do I owe— What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?”